What is sapiosexuality, what does it mean, and how can it affect our relationships?

Attraction. Sometimes it can be hard to define but there’s no denying that we like what we like, and exploring and embracing those desires can be great not only for our relationships, but our mental health, wellbeing, and sexual satisfaction.

If you’ve ever found yourself feeling more attracted to someone’s mind over their body, it could be a sign that you may be sapiosexual.

What does it mean to be sapiosexual?

Sapiosexuality means that you find intelligence sexually attractive or arousing. A type of sexuality, in order to feel sexually attracted to someone, sapiosexuals first have to feel intellectually stimulated.

In use since 1998, the term has become more mainstream since the mid-2010s, when dating sites began including sapiosexual as a sexual orientation option. The term itself is derived from the Latin sapere, meaning to be wise or to have sense.

If you are sapiosexual, the first thing you might notice about a potential partner is likely to be their intelligence. You find the way other people’s minds work, or how intellectual they are, to be attractive. You may not find other common points of attraction people talk about (e.g. height, shape, hair colour, humour, body type, facial features) to be something that you find attractive or stimulating in and of itself. Sapiosexuals often do not feel lust, desire, or sexual gratification without first being stimulated on an intellectual level.

Can anyone be sapiosexual?

Anyone can identify as sapiosexual alongside being heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, or any number of other sexualities. You may find yourself attracted to men, women, those who identify as trans, nonbinary, genderfluid, or those of any gender or sexual identity.

One 2011 study revealed that intelligence may actually be one of the top three traits we look for in a potential partner – meaning attraction to intelligence could be a lot more common than we realise.

Is sapiosexuality the same as demisexuality?

Being demisexual is not the same as being sapiosexual. Someone who is demisexual needs to form an emotional bond before they can feel sexual or romantic attraction. A sapiosexual may immediately feel attraction if they experience intellectually stimulating conversations or debates.

Is sapiosexuality really an orientation?

As a relatively new term, it does come with some controversy, as some believe sapiosexuality is not an orientation, but a type of attraction (alongside types of attraction such as romantic, emotional, sexual, physical, or platonic). However, many who describe themselves as sapiosexual say that intelligence, for them, is more than just one quality they appreciate in a potential partner: it is the driving force behind their sexual attraction.

For some, using the term can be seen as controversial, as some critics have called sapiosexuality a form of discrimination, as well as calling it elitist, Read more

Breakups are rarely easy. But what if moving on after a relationship isn’t as easy for you as it is for others?

Ending a relationship can be… tough. Perhaps you’ve drifted apart and things have ended amicably; maybe communication had broken down, or your emotional connection has faded over time. Infidelity, money troubles, toxic or excessive jealousy, trouble making things work long-distance – there are more reasons than you can count for a relationship to end. Yet, for many of us, that doesn’t make the healing process any easier.

The average American adult will experience three major relationship breakups during their lifetime, taking six months to get over each fully. Yet, according to research, on average we give ourselves just four days to ‘wallow in sadness’ (or rather, grieve for the relationship we have lost) immediately after it has ended. For those ending a more long-term committed relationship like a marriage, studies have estimated it can take up to 18 months to feel ready to move on.

So, why do some of us seem to be more affected than others when it comes to moving on from our relationships? And could taking longer to ‘get over’ your ex be a sign of something more serious?

Relationship breakups: What’s normal?

The end of a relationship can come with huge life changes. If you shared a home, you may find yourself needing to move; if you shared bills, you’ll need to take another look at your finances. If things weren’t amicable, who gets to ‘keep’ your shared friends? And that’s not even touching the emotional turmoil that can leave you feeling anxious, angry, sad, overwhelmed, bitter, confused, hurt, and heartbroken.

While there’s no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to experience a breakup with someone, there are aspects which can make it feel easier for both of you. You may feel more able and ready to move on if:

• Your relationship broke up face-to-face. Ghosting, or being rejected by text, call, or email can stop you from having the chance to express yourself and your feelings, and have a final opportunity to go through things together. This can stop you from feeling able to move on, as you may feel like you have unfinished business, or too much has been left unsaid.
• You both had the chance to be honest. Having a real reason for the ending of a relationship (without things going into too much detail, or feeling too brutal) can help to create a sense of catharsis. You may still be unhappy, or may not even fully agree with that reason, but knowing the why can be a big help in moving on.
• You had a clean break. When one partner tries to hang on, insists on ‘fixing’ or ‘saving’ your relationship, or even tries to argue that your reasons or feelings that have led to this breakup aren’t valid, it can cause more harm than good. Even if you want to remain friends (something 60% of us manage, according to one 2017 study), it can be easier if you don't.
• Read more

When it comes to climaxing, why are heterosexual women drawing the short straw?

Do you remember the last time you orgasmed during sex? According to research, if you’re a woman in a heterosexual relationship, this question may leave you scratching your head. This is thanks to ‘the orgasm gap’ – a term that has been coined to describe the discrepancies in orgasms during sex.

Now, orgasms alone don’t define satisfying sex, but there’s no denying that orgasm for those with vaginas tends to be less prioritised. One study into the orgasm gap by the International Academy of Sex Research found that 95% of heterosexual men usually orgasm during sex compared to just 65% of heterosexual women. Other studies concur, with the gap widening during one-night stands compared to sex in a long-term relationship.

So, what’s happening here?

“The two main things to look at with the orgasm gap are what’s happening physically, and what’s happening contextually/psychologically,” sex and relationship therapist Tabitha Bast explains. “Sex is often seen just as PIV (penis in vagina) sex in heterosexual encounters, which, for many women who need clitoral stimulation either directly or indirectly, literally doesn’t hit the spot. When we dismiss everything else as foreplay, we end up rushing through a whole smorgasbord of pleasure.”

With so many of us seeing penetration as the ‘main event’, we can easily dismiss other acts with potential for pleasure. This is a cultural issue, and we only have to look at mainstream media to notice it. When did you last see a sex scene where a person with a vagina climaxed outside of penetration? Recognising that sex can encompass a range of activites could be a big step forward.

Noting the numbers regarding orgasms during one-night stands, Tabitha says: “Orgasm is about the brain, not just the body! If you don’t trust the person you’re naked with, that’s a massive barrier to pleasure. Saying that, an end to violence against women and girls would be the most useful move for closing the orgasm gap: there needs to be enough safety for everyone to take fun risks together.”

There are certainly wider societal issues that need to be addressed, but is there anything we can do on an individual level?

“Women knowing about their own bodies is a good start, and men knowing about women’s bodies is a good second start,” says Tabitha.

Educating ourselves about anatomy, and the clitorus in particular, can help us understand what feels good for those who need this type of stimulation to orgasm. Not sure where to start? We love Kama, an app with an inclusive approach to sex education that has pleasure at its heart.

Communication is another tool to utilise, according to Tabitha. Not just about what feels good and what doesn’t, but being honest about how we’re feeling.

“If people are trying to fake being super cool and confident when they’re actually unsure and anxious, that’s not conducive to good sex,” Tabitha says.

“There’s an unhelpful myth that men should automatically know how to please their partners, and actually how one person orgasms is not the same as

Knowing what we’re willing to share, who has access to our inner circle, and when questions are crossing the line is one thing, but expressing it effectively is another. Here, we’re exploring how to set and maintain healthy boundaries

Boundaries are how we teach the world to treat us. They are all about what is and isn’t acceptable, and draw the line between who we are, and who the world wants us to be.

Particularly when interacting with another human who has different priorities, needs, and desires, boundaries are crucial in order to not blend into each other, and to be able to separate what they want from what we need. When we are unable to do that, this is when codependency, enmeshment, and simple confusion can occur. We lose sight of who we are, and our own identity when our daily decisions are formed by what others are asking of us.

When we lack confidence, it is tempting to cave to everyone around us, as we might be insecure that if we don’t, we will lose the people in our lives. This is why the easiest and simplest boundary, the one we first learn, is actually quite a hard word to say: no. When we are able to use our no accurately, our yes becomes more powerful.

Unfortunately, when we say no though, it can be inconvenient to others, and if you don’t stand behind your no, you leave yourself vulnerable to change your mind simply to make things easier for them. It can be really upsetting when people only want you around for what you can do for them, but, over time, you will reap the benefits of boundary setting. You will have more time and energy, you can say goodbye to burnout, and all the anger and resentment you are keeping inside you every time one of your boundaries is crossed can finally be relieved.

Here, we’re sharing some essential tips on how you can implement and maintain healthy boundaries in the three main relationship areas of your life.

Family relationships

One of the biggest complaints I hear about family relationships is that family members feel entitled to their opinions about your life, your job, your romantic relationships, and your body. How you can create a boundary around this is by limiting the information they have access to. This can be by stating: “I’m not ready to share that with you yet, but I’ll let you know when I am ready.” If they don’t know, they can’t have an opinion about it.

But, what if it’s too late and they already know? Then try saying: “I have already made my decision, and your opinions are not needed. I would appreciate it if you could be supportive.”

When it comes to conversations about your body, I encourage you to be firmer. Your body should never be up for discussion at a family event, and we need to stop normalising everyone commenting on changes in our appearance. In those situations, I simply state: “Please stop commenting on my body.” If this persists, I then say: “If you continue talking about my body, I am going to leave this conversation, and you can come find me when you are ready to talk about something else.”

Friendships

In my book, The Joy of Being Selfish, I explain that it is OK to have different

When a loved one is struggling, it’s natural to want to help – but sometimes trying to fix the problem causes more harm than good

If you’re anything like me, your natural instinct, when faced with a problem, is to fix it. Figuring out the root of the problem, untangling it and finding a solution is incredibly satisfying, but something I’ve learnt time and time again is that not every problem is fixable (and not every problem is my responsibility to fix).

This is especially true when a loved one is struggling with their mental health. A big part of me wants to fix it for them. After all, I’ve written about mental health for nearly 10 years, I have mental health first aid training, I have coaching training – surely I can help, right?

And yes, I can help... to a degree. Having this knowledge is helpful. Having an understanding of mental health and knowing where to find professional support is useful.

The issue comes when I jump into ‘fix-it’ mode when the truth is, mental illness isn’t always fixable and it isn’t something we can do for others. In my experience, trying to ‘fix’ something isn’t only a little useless, it can even be harmful. When you’re constantly offering solutions, it can make the person opening up to you feel like they’re simply not trying hard enough, which isn’t the case.

As I continue to work on my own desire to find solutions, these are the tools I’m using to support, without trying to fix.

Listen, actively

If you’re a fellow ‘fixer’ you may notice when a loved one is telling you about what they’re going through, your mind is racing with ideas that could help. This can pull you out of the moment and actually stop you from fully listening. Active listening is a tool that helps you stay present so you can really hear what’s being said.

The Samaritans share a brilliant acronym to help with this: SHUSH

Show you care
Have patience
Use open questions
Say it back
Have courage

Learn more about these tips and listen to Samaritan’s Lucia Capobianco on our podcast, I am. I Have.

Ask how you can best support them

This is a question I learnt to ask early on in my current relationship. When my partner was going through a tough time and talking it through with me, I would offer solutions and didn’t understand why he didn’t seem responsive. Eventually, I asked, “How can I best support you?” And he told me all he wanted was for me to listen, say “Yeah, that sucks” and give him a hug. Sometimes we just need to be held and told we’re not alone.

Of course, everyone is different, and people may want different things on different days, so try to ask this regularly. If the person says “I don’t know”, remind them you’re there for them and consider signposting.

Signpost to further support

While we may not be in a posi