Sometimes, relationship problems fly under the radar, but other times we deliberately look the other way. Here, we’re breaking down why we do this and explore what happens when we face tension head-on

As well as traumatic things that happen to you – like physical, emotional, and sexual abuse, or the betrayal of your trust via an affair – trauma in relationships also includes what isn’t happening, and examples include a lack of attunement, emotional unavailability in the other person, and no safe container for your emotions and experiences. Sometimes they go unnoticed, sometimes they are ignored.

You might be familiar with tolerating, even denying, some degree of trauma so that your relationship can continue as it is. For example, it may have become characterised more by criticism, complaint, and resentment than the love you want, but you shield yourself from what’s really going on, or just ‘get on with it’. Which begs the question…

Why do we do this?

An answer might be found in each of three important parts of you:

1. Fear

When you attach to someone, this part can get triggered at the thought of the relationship ending. Because your fear ensures your survival, it can make a potential ending feel like a life or death situation. If your body believes your survival is at risk by moving on to an uncertain future, it’s easy to understand why you’ll tolerate distress to avoid it. That said, the longer you stay, the more fearful you become, the more your trust and self-esteem drain away, and the tighter you grip the relationship. You’re caught in a vicious circle.

2. Reward

This includes your innate drives to acquire more possessions, status, money, sex, and to ‘win’. These are powerful motivators, and some of the main reasons humans have been in existence for so long. Reward can make status, wealth, a great sex life, and a need not to ‘lose’, ‘fail’ or look ‘less than’ others, compelling reasons to stay – despite you rarely actually feeling good.

3. Connection and love

Love is presumably where you’d hope to spend most of your time in a relationship, but, an ending – whether of the relationship or your trauma denial – might lead to you experiencing grief; love with nowhere to go. Grief is one of the most painful feelings and it’s understandable that we, therefore, try to avoid feeling it. You’ll of course be driven to accept, forgive, and empathise with and be selfless when you love someone. These are all great, loving qualities.

Taken too far though, they’ll overlook and accept problems and put empathy for the other person above empathy for yourself. Knowing your loved one has such potential for growth also leads to living in hope that they might eventually see and hear you one day, even without any real evidence it’s happening.

With such a range of compelling parts in play, you can understand why you might endure, or deny, relationship trauma. A compassionate view of yourself is key here, because any frustration, or shame, you feel towards yourself for doing it simply leads to more fear and therefore more rigidity, making you cling even tighter.

Try to couple this empathetic understanding with a

Could scheduling sex be the key to preserving intimacy in long-term relationships?

I reach my hand across the kitchen island for the serving spoon, my husband’s eyes tracking each deliberate movement as I gingerly place my second serving of turkey bolognese on my plate.

“Don’t get sick, baby,” he says tentatively, as I savour the full flavour of carrot and thyme melting in my mouth, and put my fork down.

I know what he means. My husband is not a jerk. He is not worried I will get fat. He is worried that these extra few bites will lead to me feeling bloated and full, which will in turn result in me explaining to him, “I don’t feel pretty tonight,” when he reaches for me under the covers as we settle into bed.

I met him when I was 42. Eight years younger than me, he often gets mistaken for any number of Hollywood movie stars – think Bradley Cooper or a young Hugh Grant. But, despite this, I have rarely been in the mood for having sex since I hit middle age.

In my early 50s, I first chalked up my declining libido to needing more of an emotional connection before intimacy. We tried sharing compliments with each other before hitting the pillow, and finding time for walk-and-talks during the day so we could discuss the ups and downs of our lives. And while I felt appreciated and connected, it did nothing to rouse my lust.

Then came menopause. I took supplements I saw advertised online, supposedly designed to provide hormone-free support to enhance libido. Nothing happened. I ultimately got on hormone replacement therapy, and while my night sweats stopped, my desire for sex continued to stay muted.

On a long walk one day through the desert landscape with one of my besties, I confessed my situation. “We aren’t unhappy,” I said. “Despite the usual bickering and what my therapist friend calls ‘normal marital hatred’. I love spending time with him, so why my case of the blahs?”

Could it be that even though I am a relationship and life coach, an issue I thought I had conquered through a support group, years of therapy, and a seven-day personal development retreat was still wreaking havoc with my self-esteem? Did I really think that my innate worthiness was directly tied to how I sexually satisfied my husband? Did that make me a ‘good wife’? Or even a ‘good woman’?

I thought hard, trying to remember the last time I had felt genuine sexual arousal. It was many months before, at the Watershed Music Festival my husband and I had attended. In my short shorts, I had pressed my body against my husband’s as we made out while Tim McGraw crooned in the background, reminding me to “live like I am dying”. I couldn’t wait to get my adorable, attentive husband into bed that night.

What had been so different? Well, at the festival he didn’t expect me to “do” anything. I was just being me on my own terms, and I felt sexy and confident. I knew there was an answer here but I couldn’t quite see it... Yet.

It wasn’t until I was working on putting my weekly plans into my organiser that I realised while I had been crushing my goals at work, having great life balance, enjoying good friendships, and living my purpose, the one area I had put the least effort into week after week, month after month, and year after year was my romantic relationship with my husband.

Then, a woma

What do you think would make you describe your life as satisfying and successful? According to research, it’s the quality of your friendships more than anything else…

Robin Dunbar, professor of evolutionary psychology at the University of Oxford, and author of Friends: Understanding the Power of our Most Important Relationship, makes it clear: friendships are vital to our happiness and longevity.

The single best predictor of our psychological health, wellbeing, physical health, and even how long we live, is the number and the quality of close friends that we have. The same conclusions were drawn by researchers in the longest study on happiness, which followed 268 men over 75 years of their lives. Men with warm, social relationships and friendships considered their lives successful and lived longer, were wealthier, and had more satisfying marriages. However, this was only true if the social relationships they had were of high quality.

With this striking evidence in mind, improve the quality of your friendships with three easy hacks.

1. Make room in your busy schedule to spend time with your friends

Friendships are so vital to our wellbeing, happiness, and longevity because of the effect that friends have on our body. “The things you do with friends, whether it be laughter, singing or eating together, triggers the endorphin system in the brain,” explains Professor Dunbar. “This, in turn, supports the immune system, destroying viruses and some cancer cells. So, the things that might cause you serious discomfort or serious illness are either eliminated or reduced. And, therefore, you live longer.”

Importantly, this effect on our body is the strongest when we are physically with our friends. Social media and phones are useful devices for maintaining friendships, as they remind our friends that we keep thinking about them. However, as Professor Dunar stresses, “Nothing really substitutes being able to sit across the table and stare into the whites of the eyes of the other person, and reach out and give them a hug or a pat on the shoulder. These are the things that really kick in the endorphin system”.

That is why making time in your busy schedule to actually see your friends in person is the key to harvesting the wellbeing outcomes of friendships.

2. Find precious moments and stories to share with your friends

When spending time with your friends, concentrate on sharing stories and precious moments, as these bring us together and build further connections. Storytelling and sharing experiences also contribute to the release of endorphins in the brain that makes you feel bonded to the particular person you are doing the selected activity with.

Also, as friends tend to be very similar to us, concentrating on the things we have in common is shown to strengthen our bond.

“There are ‘scene pillars’ of friendships, and the more of those dimensions you share with somebody, the stronger the relationship is,” explains Professor Dunbar. These are your gender, personality, education, ethnicity, interests, moral views, and m

Before you unload your worries onto a friend or loved one, take a moment to think about these five things

As a mental health blogger who often listens to people vent, I wish more people checked in with me first. Because, even though I encourage those with mental health struggles to reach out, there are times when I am emotionally unavailable. When I’m overwhelmed by my own issues, I cannot help anyone else – and this is something that many of us will be familiar with.

Talking about your problems with a troubled confidante may not always give you the insight or advice you’re looking for, but it will almost certainly add to their mental burden. So, here are some simple, organic ways to ask your go-to listener for their emotional consent before you vent.

1. Ask them how they are

Before you offload your worries onto someone, it is essential to know if they are in a reasonably alright physical and mental state. When you vent as soon as you begin your conversation, you do not give your listener the option to say no if they need to.

According to psychologist Tania Diaz, ‘emotional consent’ is the act of responsibly asking for permission to share an emotionally charged experience with another individual. In accordance with that, it is crucial to enquire about their wellbeing before you do so.

2. Keep it simple

Once you know that they are indeed fine, it’s time to ask for emotional consent. If you are worried about doing it without sounding awkward, don’t worry.

Tania says: “It is not what you say that influences the tone of the dialogue, but how you say it. Using your own words will help you keep it simple and authentic. For example, ‘Hey do you have a moment for me to run something by you; I’m sort of in a funk. If not now, let me know when it’s a good time to talk.’ See? You don’t have to use any jargon. While it may feel strange to ask for permission, your loved one will feel respected. Over time, it will feel more natural and help to build a healthy relationship.”

3. Use trigger warnings

After they have consented to a conversation, give the listener an idea of the subject of your problem(s). Tania believes that this is important not only for the listener, but also for you.

She explains: “A trigger warning is imperative, as your friend may not have recovered from past injuries. They may be still recovering from their emotional wounds. One can hold space for someone only when they have the emotional capacity to do so. Not giving a warning to your ventee can be considered short-sighted, irresponsible, and selfish. Done repeatedly, it can strain your relationship.”

4. Exercise discretion and respect boundaries

Even after getting consent, use your judgment. For example, if the listener has recently ended a long-term relationship and the venter wants relationship advice, should you approach them in the first place? Would it be better to vent to someone else? Another thing to keep in mind is boundaries.

Even if you have a green flag to talk about what is on your mind, respect boundaries. If you aren’t sure of what they are, ask without hesitation. Make sure you

Keep your communications clear by considering your body language and how you can demonstrate active listening

Showing attentiveness to a conversation lets people feel heard, and can open up the door for more meaningful interactions, showing the person you’re engaging with that you’re receptive to what they’re saying.

There are some behaviours you’ll probably be doing naturally, but when we gain awareness of the signals of active listening, we can make a conscious effort to instil them in our communications.

1. Face the person speaking.

By turning towards your conversation partner, you’re clearly displaying that they have your full attention. It could also signify a willingness to be vulnerable, as we’re presenting our chest (and in turn our heart), which might be seen as a symbolic gesture of opening ourselves up.

2. Get closer.

Yes, we’re talking literally. Your physical proximity to each other in a conversation, and in particular leaning forwards, shows your interest and engagement in the discussion. Leaning back could signal that you’re distancing yourself from the chat, so try to proactively lean in where you can.

3. Clear the space between you.

In a practical sense, ensure there are no objects obscuring your view of each other, and in a metaphorical way, keep your arms relaxed and to your side where possible – crossed arms can signify a disinterest in the conversation, or an unwillingness to open up. So try to be aware of how your body is positioned to demonstrate your willing participation.

4. Give encouragement.

This could be in the form of nodding your head to show you’re listening and taking on board what they’re saying, or using facial expressions to react without interrupting them, or small remarks such as ‘yes’ and ‘OK’ which won’t disrupt their flow, but give them confidence that what they’re saying is being heard and processed.

5. Maintain eye contact.

It’s been reported that keeping your eyes focused on each other for 60–70% of the time someone is speaking helps provide the best balance for good rapport. So, next time you’re chatting, keep those eyes locked, and be present.