Over time, people – and relationships – change. But what happens when, little by little, it feels like you’ve lost your sense of togetherness? Try these questions to encourage emotional intimacy and break the bedroom silence

How do you know when you’re no longer in love with your spouse? It seems like something you should just know, doesn’t it? But… what if it isn’t? What if, slowly, over time, you find yourself losing little bits of the bond that created your togetherness?

For some couples, there is no big fallout. You may not be able to pinpoint when it happened, but over the weeks, months, or even years, you may have reached a state of ‘silent divorce’.

What is a silent divorce?

The phrase ‘silent divorce’ refers to a relationship where you are still together, but have drifted apart. There may be no obvious conflict, but there’s also nothing else clearly happening in your relationship: no passion, no excitement, no overly strong feelings towards your partner either way. For some couples, this can make the breakdown in your relationship feel that much more frustrating, as there’s no clear issue to tackle or big change to be made.

To find out more about the importance of communication and emotional intimacy in our relationships, we turned to integrative counsellor and psychotherapist Julie Howard.

“Relationships don’t just happen, they take effort in maintaining them. It’s all too easy to just settle into a routine, it can evolve without either person becoming aware,” Julie says. “I feel relationships rarely break down for no reason. Usually, there are warning signs, it just depends whether we recognise them. Sometimes, we put off facing up to unsettling feelings through fear of the unknown. However, on occasion, a person is completely blindsided by the sudden announcement that their loved one isn’t happy anymore.”

What are the warning signs?

Being able to enjoy comfortable silence can signify intimacy and connection. But when the silence comes from a lack of things to say, or lasts for a long period, it can be a sign that you are growing apart – you exist in the same space, but are not sharing the same ‘togetherness’ in a meaningful way.

Julie explains that there can be many early warning signs that something may be wrong in your relationship – you just need to know what to watch for. “Some things to look out for could be small, intimate gestures that were once normal are now becoming infrequent, such as kissing and cuddling, or holding hands while out. Little communication at mealtimes, or even silence. More time spent on devices – it’s easy to zone out on social media – or choosing to spend more time away from the home.”

One big warning sign that many of us can overlook, Julie shares, is a feeling of something being wrong. “Sometimes we can just ‘feel’ that something is wrong in a relationship. Often that uneasy feeling can be brushed off during a busy day, but can be more prevalent at bedtime when you don’t have any distractions.ȁ

They say opposites attract. But when you’ve got vastly different work-life priorities to your partner, how can you find a happy balance that works for both of you?

Achieving a healthy work-life balance is tricky. Research shows that more than half (52%) of UK employees admit that work regularly eats into their personal life. And, worldwide, the UK ranks 11th for work-life balance, with the average worker putting in 22 days of unpaid overtime each year. That’s pretty staggering, when you sit back and think about it.

But what happens when our work-life balance isn’t just affecting us? And what should you do when you and your partner have very different priorities?

My partner and I are very much in opposite camps regarding what feels like a healthy work-life balance. While I’m happy to jot down a few ideas outside of working hours, I’m pretty strict about switching off. My partner, on the other hand, would have continued taking work calls on our wedding day, if someone hadn’t confiscated his phone.

If you’re worried that your relationship may be affected by your different attitudes to work and life, there are plenty of small changes you can make to help take the pressure off.

1. Talk it out

Sitting down to have an open, honest, and frank conversation should be one of your first steps. This can help to make sure that you’re on the same page. What may feel like completely reasonable behaviour to one of you (“It’s only a couple of emails.” “What’s the harm in one more work call before dinner?”) may be causing unnecessary stress, anxiety, or resentment for the other. No matter how close you are, you both need to remember that your partner is not a mind reader. They may not know something is wrong if you don’t tell them.

2. Negotiate boundaries

Once you’ve established which areas are causing issues, try and work out boundaries. An outright ban on out-of-hours emails may cause a build-up of stress that wasn’t there before, while ignoring boundaries could cause frustration. By creating boundaries together through discussions, you can establish what works for you both. Keep returning to these boundaries regularly to help judge if they are working as intended, or if there could be a better way to try things moving forward.

3. Discuss your shared goals

We each have very different driving motivations. Some people are career-driven, while others find fulfilment outside of their work. It’s OK if your core values are different from your partners; there’s no right or wrong way to be, but gaining a clear awareness of what drives each of you can help you develop a better understanding of one another in the long-term.

4. Let go of resentment

Staying angry or upset about your different work priorities can lead to resentment, further hurt feelings, frustration, and misunderstandings. If you feel negative feelings continuing to linger or build, it could be a sign that you and your partner need to communicate better about your needs, boundaries, and expectations. Holding onto negativity can only hurt you in the long run – but that doesn’t mean it should

It’s official: Brits are having less sex. Is technology and stress really to blame, or is our lack of self-acceptance at the core of our problems?

It’s not something we really talk about, but let’s be honest: sex is great, isn’t it? It’s good for your heart, acts as a stress buster, and keeps tension at bay – what’s not to love? Yet according to findings published in the British Medical Journal, nearly a third of us haven’t had sex in the past month. That’s… not so great.

We’re at a point in history where it feels like, for the most part, we’ve got more freedom to be open about what (and who) we love than ever before. Yet for some of us, getting over that first hurdle – accepting ourselves, and what we enjoy – feels like the hardest.

Despite kink-based novels and films making mainstream headlines for nearly a decade, many of us can still struggle with our desires. Love it or hate it, Fifty Shades of Grey sparked debate, and brought rarely-discussed sexual desires into the eye of mainstream commentary. Yet beneath the best-sellers and star-studded cast, and past mainstream publications focusing on ‘weird extreme’ fetishes, sits actual individuals facing a whole host of issues and worries.

Recognising you have sexual urges outside of what society considers ‘normal’ is just the first step. Sure, there may be a community, ready and waiting with open arms – but self-acceptance isn’t always that easy. Do you ‘come out’ as kinky, or keep things firmly behind closed doors? How do you balance sharing with oversharing? Do you risk shutting loved ones out of an entire part of your life by keeping your desires secret?

Sounds complicated. We asked members of the fetish community to share their thoughts on how they came to accept their inner desires.

Coming out as kinky

Will, a programmer approaching his mid-30s, shares his experiences with us as an ‘out and proud’ member of the fetish community. First realising his fetishes as a teen, Will spent years going through binge and purge cycles with his desires, before he felt ready to open up and speak out.

“I struggled with my attractions. Many in the community describe binge and purge cycles before they found acceptance. Because an inclination to kink is often considered perverse, I feel it can naturally make people hide this part of themselves.

“I remember throwing everything away, furiously deleting my internet history and bookmarks, only to start buying kinky items and browsing the same forums a few months later. It was only after many years of this that I decided to take the plunge and meet people.

“Speaking with people face-to-face, actually talking about and understanding their nonchalant attitudes to their kinks, allowed me to accept mine, and accept this part of myself. I struggled most with hiding parts of my life from close friends and family. I developed a real fear of what would happen if they found out.

“While I’ve not told them specific details, I’ve explained that I’m openly part of the community, that I’m happy and safe. Although many don’t truly understand what that means, I

The 50 Shades phenomenon has been and gone. But are there underlying principles used within the fetish community that could benefit our romantic relationships?

Sex. It’s not something we talk about, is it? As a nation, we tend to leave what happens between the sheets well and truly behind closed doors. But why is that, when studies have shown the physical and psychological benefits sex and loving relationships can have on our wellbeing?

According to research, arousal can have the same benefits as light exercise, a good hug can help lower blood pressure and release tension, while hormones released during orgasm help us achieve a better night’s sleep.

Research also suggests that sex can benefit our mental health. Reducing our overall levels of stress and anxiety whilst boosting happiness, we feel more satisfied and are better able to identify emotions when we regularly have sex with our partners.

With so many benefits, shouldn’t we be shouting it from the rooftops? Yet, despite the many benefits, our romantic relationships may not be as rosy as they first appear. Relationship charity Relate revealed that over half of us try to make our relationship appear happier than it really is. 42% of us use social media to give the impression of a ‘perfect relationship’ - even though a staggering 33% of Brits are in a relationship that has experienced infidelity.

It’s time we started looking at what can really help us have a more fulfilling, long-lasting relationship. Could the fetish community already have the answers?

RACK, SSC and wellbeing within the kink community

Communication is key. It’s a simple concept, yet research suggests an overwhelming 91% of us feel we would benefit from being more open about our relationship issues.

If you’ve ever ventured beyond the fluffy handcuffs and copies of 50 Shades of Grey at your local Ann Summers, and into the welcoming arms of your local or online communities, you’ve likely encountered the terms SSC and RACK. These two main principles underpin many of the interactions within the kink community.

Standing for Safe, Sane and Consensual (SSC) and Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK), each acts as a basic structure for negotiating relationships, scenes, and interactions (both sexual and non-sexual).

SSC, often considered the more introductory, reminds participants to keep their safety and wellbeing at the forefron

In 2022, adult sites regularly outperform the likes of Netflix, and sexualised content is omnipresent on social media. So why is talking about it so taboo? Here, an ethical porn director and a clinical sexologist discuss why we need to examine, and educate ourselves on, the impact of porn

"My story is not that different from other young women’s stories. For me, porn was part of trying to figure out who I was. But it brings up mixed feelings. It’s both about watching images and feeling turned on, but at the same time the images, often, are representing scenarios that made me feel uncomfortable.

“Little by little, I realised that my male friends had a very, very easy time with pornography. They use it in their lives, they like it, they enjoy it, and they haven’t really thought much about it – whereas most of my female friends, they had a similar experience to mine.”

I’m speaking to Erica Lust, an award-winning erotic filmmaker whose cinematic films are starkly different to the clips that might first come to mind when you think of ‘porn’. These days, she heads a global business, and works with directors from the United States, the UK, Berlin, Finland, Colombia, Venezuela, Australia – the list goes on. But it all started in 2004 with her first indie erotic film, The Good Girl, a tongue-in-cheek take on the classic pizza boy trope and, she says, an experiment in breaking the mould for erotic stories. Since then, she hasn’t looked back.

If you’ve ever wondered what could qualify someone to direct pornography, consider this. Beyond her cinematic know-how, Erica has a degree in political science and gender studies, and she notes how this first prompted her to deconstruct and analyse the power imbalances that are so often present in pornography. As she sees it, porn is a discourse about sexuality, about masculinity and femininity, and the roles we each play sexually, so understanding who’s directing that discourse is key.

“The more I was thinking and learning about it, I came to understand that it’s all about the creators who are making it,” Erica says. “The stories we have seen in porn repeated time after time, it’s the white, middle-aged, fit, hetero man’s story, and his vision of sexuality and what he finds sexy. You know what that is – that is breasts, and butts, and fancy cars, and cigars. It doesn’t matter if he’s from Los Angeles, Stockholm, Barcelona, Budapest, or Sydney, it’s the same guy.”

In Erica’s films, performers practice safe sex, they communicate, they have conversations about consent, and – crucially – they behave in such a way that the viewer can see they respect one another. But it’s not just about creating an authentic film for the sheer pursuit of realism – many young people, and adults learn about sex from porn. Porn literacy – a framework for breaking down and understanding how, what, and why sexual images affect us – has, therefore, never been more necessary. In 2022, it’s a kind of virtual life jacket for teens and young people, but