Before you unload your worries onto a friend or loved one, take a moment to think about these five things

As a mental health blogger who often listens to people vent, I wish more people checked in with me first. Because, even though I encourage those with mental health struggles to reach out, there are times when I am emotionally unavailable. When I’m overwhelmed by my own issues, I cannot help anyone else – and this is something that many of us will be familiar with.

Talking about your problems with a troubled confidante may not always give you the insight or advice you’re looking for, but it will almost certainly add to their mental burden. So, here are some simple, organic ways to ask your go-to listener for their emotional consent before you vent.

1. Ask them how they are

Before you offload your worries onto someone, it is essential to know if they are in a reasonably alright physical and mental state. When you vent as soon as you begin your conversation, you do not give your listener the option to say no if they need to.

According to psychologist Tania Diaz, ‘emotional consent’ is the act of responsibly asking for permission to share an emotionally charged experience with another individual. In accordance with that, it is crucial to enquire about their wellbeing before you do so.

2. Keep it simple

Once you know that they are indeed fine, it’s time to ask for emotional consent. If you are worried about doing it without sounding awkward, don’t worry.

Tania says: “It is not what you say that influences the tone of the dialogue, but how you say it. Using your own words will help you keep it simple and authentic. For example, ‘Hey do you have a moment for me to run something by you; I’m sort of in a funk. If not now, let me know when it’s a good time to talk.’ See? You don’t have to use any jargon. While it may feel strange to ask for permission, your loved one will feel respected. Over time, it will feel more natural and help to build a healthy relationship.”

3. Use trigger warnings

After they have consented to a conversation, give the listener an idea of the subject of your problem(s). Tania believes that this is important not only for the listener, but also for you.

She explains: “A trigger warning is imperative, as your friend may not have recovered from past injuries. They may be still recovering from their emotional wounds. One can hold space for someone only when they have the emotional capacity to do so. Not giving a warning to your ventee can be considered short-sighted, irresponsible, and selfish. Done repeatedly, it can strain your relationship.”

4. Exercise discretion and respect boundaries

Even after getting consent, use your judgment. For example, if the listener has recently ended a long-term relationship and the venter wants relationship advice, should you approach them in the first place? Would it be better to vent to someone else? Another thing to keep in mind is boundaries.

Even if you have a green flag to talk about what is on your mind, respect boundaries. If you aren’t sure of what they are, ask without hesitation. Make sure you

Welcome to the weekend, my friends! We had a fantastic time in NM and AZ with our family this past week. I’m really glad we could get out there at last and see everyone. That said, it’s great to be home again. We’re getting ready for the new school year and definitely looking forward to fall.

ON THE BLOG this week: Tender buttery Peach Coffee Cake is filled with sweet bites of peach and topped with an irresistible brown sugar crumb topping – what is not to love??

This Italian Red Wine Roast Beef slowly cooks in the crock-pot creating an unforgettable dinner with almost no effort at all. This smells absolutely fantastic as it slowly cooks through the day.

Can a recipe ever go wrong when it starts with the words “double chocolate?” The first time I made these Double Chocolate Brownies, I took them to the park to share with friends and they disappeared within minutes.

Homemade Vanilla Pudding is a classic dessert that simply doesn’t get the love that it deserves. So, often we reach for chocolate or caramel or peanut butter to satisfy a sweet craving, but I’ve come to appreciate the awesomeness of a great vanilla dessert.

Ripe strawberries, bananas, and chunks of fudge brownies are layered into these Banana Split Brownie Trifles with vanilla pudding and whipped cream.

What I’m CRAVING: These Garlic Parmesan Stuffed Pork Chops from Spicy Southern Kitchen look so good! 

What I’m WATCHING: Miss Congeniality. If you need a laugh, this one never dissapoints. It still makes me laugh every time I watch it.

What I’m READING: The Spellsong War. This is the second book in the Spellsong War series (think sorcerers who can work magic through songs – it’s a fun idea) and I’m enjoying re-reading them all. 

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28 NIV

Wishing you a beautiful week full of little things that make you smile!

Mary

We all could do with a good break, but holidaying with little ones can be a challenge in itself. So, if the thought of some time away with a toddler is leaving you stressed, our columnist Grace Victory is here to share some first-hand tips and relatable advice to help you enjoy making some magical memories together

Ah, the sheer joy (and chaos) of going on holiday with your toddler. As a family, we just got back from our first sunny holiday to Turkey and, after not travelling for two years, it was bloody wonderful to put our toes in the sea, eat Lays with a Fanta on the balcony, and chase our little boy around a pool all day, because he’s a lightning-speed crawler!

Going on holiday with children is a completely different experience, and one that you have to embrace and surrender to. You won’t necessarily be able to sit on a lounger reading for hours, but making memories and showing them little corners of the world makes everything worthwhile.

Our trip was… intense! When people say “going on holiday is just parenting while being hot”, they are absolutely right. My partner and I had to tag-team mealtimes, de-escalate mini meltdowns in front of other holiday-goers, and, yes, there were moments we felt embarrassed and as if everyone must think we’re bad parents. Truth be told though, Cyprus found his voice on our holiday, and wanted to use it to shout at every opportunity – but that’s just kids, and while it can be hard when you feel like you can’t control a situation, it is absolutely normal for children to test your boundaries, even when you’re in paradise.

So, what I’m trying to say is going abroad with your little ones in tow is hard, but there are ways to manage, things I recommend for the plane, and little tips and tricks we did to minimise stress.

On the plane

Take lots of games and things to keep your kids entertained. Reusable sticker books, suction toys to stick on the window, their most loved book, and a tablet to watch their favourite shows (remember to download episodes at home so they can watch without WiFi).

I also recommend snacks upon snacks upon snacks. When you think you’ve packed enough snacks, pack more. I opted for crisps, cut up pieces of fruit, and then some trusty Ella’s Kitchen pouches. And we fed our little boy a proper meal before the flight to make sure he was full enough for the four hours we were in the air.

Use packing cubes for your hand luggage to separate changing stuff, feeding stuff, important documents etc., so you have easy access to things! Don’t forget to pack spare outfits for both your kids and you in case any accidents occur. There is nothing worse than being covered in sick, and you haven’t packed a fresh pair of leggings.

On holiday

It goes without saying that children shouldn’t be in the sun for long periods of time, so taking a UV pop-up tent with you is a great idea! You can

Lift your mood with these proven positive pointers

A group of hormones that have a number of physiological functions, endorphins are responsible for triggering positive feelings in the body, as well as being the body’s natural painkillers.

There are many ways that we can trigger the release of endorphins, and we’ve rounded up five science-backed tips:

Laughter

When we laugh, we take in a load of oxygen-rich air, which stimulates our hearts, lungs, and muscles, and, in turn, triggers the release of endorphins into the body. So, this is your sign to put on a comedy, or spend some time with that person who tickles your funny bone. But remember, our brain can’t tell the difference between fake and real laughter, which is why ‘laughter yoga’ is a popular option. Head to laughteryoga.org for free sessions.

Spicy food

Rationally, we shouldn’t really enjoy eating spicy food, should we? The burning sensation isn’t objectively pleasant, but scientists think they understand why we persevere, and it’s all to do with endorphins. Scientists believe that, when we eat spicy food, our body is fooled into thinking that we are hurting ourselves. Cue the endorphins.

Sex

During sex, the pituitury glad is activated, leading to the release of endorphins, as well as fellow hormones oxytocin and vasopressin, which come together to reduce pain, and boost intimacy and bonding. What’s more, several areas of the brain that are responsible for pain are also active during orgasm. Why? We’re not quite sure, but the endorphin effect can help to explain why some sexual activities that might not be so appealing usually – such as hair-pulling and bites – have a whole different effect during sex.

Acupuncture

Acupuncture is the traditional Chinese practice where the therapist inserts fine needles into the skin at certain points on the body (called ‘acupoints’). Acupuncture is often said to help with pain relief and relaxation, and can you guess which brain chemical is involved with that feeling? You got it, endorphins. Most studies into the long-lasting effect of acupuncture have been relatively small, and the National Institute for Health and Care Excellence only recommends it for specific complaints – but it is sometimes available on the NHS.

Dancing

Most forms of exercise are a reliable way to boost your endorphin levels, but there’s something special about dancing. In a study, researchers from the University of York and Sheffield had participants choose to either sit and listen to music, exercise on a stationary bike, or dance for five minutes. What they found was that dance releases more endorphins than typical aerobic movement – plus, it also comes with a whole host of other emotional releases that other forms of exercise don’t. Is it time to turn up the tunes?

Helloooooo! Happy Friday! What are you up to this weekend? The kids are wrapping up their first half week of school and actually missing today because we’re off to San Diego! It’s Max’s Bar Mitzvah tomorrow (Betsy’s son! He’s like our lil nephew) so we couldn’t miss it. I’m so so excited to see them and enjoy a short weekend at one of our favorite spots. I hope you have a happy and fun weekend ahead!

Obligatory first day of school pic:

Also wanted to note here that I wrote, “To have a great year!” for their wish for the year, but they actually said, “For school to be over!” and “For school to be canceled” so there ya go.

I’ve been definitely looking forward to more of a routine around here (especially some block hours to get work stuff done!) but I really miss my little crew. We had the best summer together and it’s way too quiet without them here in the morning. I’m glad they’re having fun with their friends and seeing their amazing teachers again, but back to school season is always a little bittersweet.

Some exciting news on a personal level: I get to sing again! This is a bit random (I mean, what isn’t random about my life?) but I sing soprano with a local choir and our season was canceled in spring 2020 and all of last year. We’re finally having a season this year and I’m SO PUMPED ABOUT IT.

I was a bit nervous because we have a new director and he wanted to meet each of us individually before returning. It wasn’t a formal audition, but definitely felt like an audition, so I had a handful of vocal lessons with my coach to get back into things. I had to sing a bit of Beethoven’s 9th and ended up keeping my spot, so that’s a win. Choir was one of the things that really brought joy into my week and it felt like pure luxury to enjoy a hobby so much. I’m really thankful to have it back in my life after a long hiatus. If any Tucson friends want the info for some classical concerts coming up, I’d be happy to send the info along!

It’s time for the weekly Friday Faves party! This is where I share some of my favorite finds from the week and around the web. I always love to hear about your faves, too, so please shout out something you’re loving in the comments section below!

Friday Faves

Read, watch, listen:

Loved watching this home tour from Katy Bowman. Ready for the Pilot to raise his eyebrows when I say we should replace our seats with logs.

Definitely catch this guest post from the Pilot if you missed it!! I’m so so happy it was helpful for so many of you. Thank you for those who took the time to comment and send me a DM. I told the Pilot he’s taking over the blog loll. If you have any questions, please leave them in the comments section of his post and he’ll respond to your questions this weekend!

What are your daily rituals?