Is putting ourselves first always selfish? And is being selfish really always a bad thing? We explain more about healthy selfishness and how it can help you

Being called selfish is an unpleasant blow. Socially speaking, the idea of being selfish is taboo: it’s something we should strive to avoid at all costs. To be called selfish means you are inconsiderate of other people, putting your own pleasure and gains ahead of others. Yet the term can often be used as a weapon against us, to manipulate us into doing things for others – even when it could be to our own detriment.

Can selfishness be good?

Selfishness isn’t always bad. According to experts, selfishness can be healthy, while altruism (the selfless concern for the wellbeing of others) can become extreme and unhealthy.

Scott Kaufman from the Department of Psychology at Columbia University, New York, and Emanuel Jauk from the Department of Psychology at the University of Graz, Austria and Clinical Psychology and Behavioral Neuroscience at Technische Universitat Dresden, Germany, recently published their research into healthy selfishness and pathological altruism.

“Selfishness is often regarded as an undesirable or even immoral characteristic. However, human history as well as the works of humanistic and psychodynamic psychologists point to a more complex picture: not all selfishness is necessarily bad, and not all altruism is necessarily good,” they explain.

According to their research, healthy selfishness can be related to higher levels of psychological wellbeing, developing skills necessary to deal with the demands placed on us by our environment in an effective way (adaptive functioning), as well as developing behaviour that genuinely is intended to help others (prosocial behaviour).

In contrast, those who practised pathological altruism (where we do things in an attempt to promote the welfare of others but cause harm that was reasonably foreseeable by others) were more likely to exhibit behaviours that stopped them from adapting to new or difficult circumstances (maladaptive psychological behaviours), vulnerable narcissism (a narcissist type that is highly self-conscious, insecure, and hypersensitive to rejection), and selfish motivations for helping others.

What is healthy selfishness?

Healthy selfishness refers to having a healthy respect for your own health, growth, joy, freedom, and happiness. It can mean using boundaries to help you define and refocus on your needs and those of others. By setting boundaries, we can not only allow our focus to return to our own needs, but we can create the emotional bandwidth to refocus on those that we love and care for.

For example, by saying no to attending a work social on a Friday night that you know is likely to make you feel exhausted, drained, and overwhelmed, you can instead reserve that energy for spending time with friends and family. This type of ‘healthy selfishness’ means that you are prioritising yourself and those closest to you, using your time and energy to

All her life, Motsi Mabuse has worked hard for her countless achievements, but a highly critical and competitive industry led her to question her self-worth. Now, she’s taking back control, consciously practising self-love, radical acceptance of her vulnerability, and making time for those who light up her life

By the time you read this Strictly Come Dancing, the much-loved TV sensation, will be back on our screens, and Motsi Mabuse will be sharing guidance and praise for this year’s intake from her place on the judges’ panel. To the show’s army of loyal fans, Motsi is well-known for exuding warmth, tempered honesty, and the kind of passion that comes from first-hand experience of dancing competitively.

When we speak in late summer, Motsi is sitting under the shade of a poolside umbrella, chatting animatedly over Facetime about her book, Finding My Own Rhythm, while her daughter plays off-camera. Motsi is taking a break before her busy schedule starts again. She’s allowed herself a couple of hours each day for interviews but, after that, it’s strictly holiday time with her family.

Setting healthy boundaries such as this, she says, hasn’t always been possible, and giving herself permission to take a greater level of control over her own time has not only been a revelation, but a conscious practice.

“When I turned 40, my view changed because I had my child and my husband who I very much love,” she says, smiling. “Working hard is one thing, but living is another. I think the problem is that you cannot reach or attain so much if you don’t work hard, but at the same time, that means you have to make sacrifices. However, I’m at a stage in my life now, where I really want to spend a lot of time with the people I love. So I’m very specific about my time, and I’ve built a team around me who have children and family, so they understand me.”

The joy of becoming a mum, combined with the arrival of Covid and a global lockdown, gave Motsi a much-needed period of time to stop, reassess her life, and understand where she needed to make positive changes. In addition to a greater focus on her family, she realised that her relationship with herself needed some nurturing too, after she’d spent most of her life pushing herself to do more, be more, and work harder in the dance industry.

Motsi’s lifelong relationship with the world of dance began when she was just a child. She grew up in South Africa under the system of racial segregation known as apartheid, which, she notes, had a huge impact on how she saw herself. As she shares in her book: “Growing up within a system that sets certain people above others was bound to have consequences: for the girl I was, for the dancer I became, and for the course I followed. And, although I didn’t fully understand it at the time, perhaps the biggest of these consequences was feeling that I really had to prove my worth. I had to find a way to accept myself and feel accepted; even more than that – to be celebrated for who I was and the talents I had, as every person should be.”

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Gift something that makes a difference this year, with our round-up of wellness-boosting presents

‘Tis the season of giving, of watching with anticipation as your loved ones unwrap gifts you picked out, especially for them. That said, with so much out there, sometimes, choosing the perfect gift to reach that magical moment can feel like an overwhelming task. But that’s where we come in.

We’ve gathered together 10 gifts picked specifically for their ability to support our wellbeing and our happiness. From items that’ll prompt cosy moments of reflection, to others that will support a confident and self-assured mindset, unwrap our recommendations for the best presents under the tree.

1. Jigsaw puzzle – Rejig

For the puzzle lover (or soon-to-be puzzle lover) in your life, the beautiful jigsaws from Rejig are the perfect gift for those who crave digital detoxes, and quiet evenings spent focusing on a mindful activity. With several contemporary designs to choose from – including designs created by Rejigs founder as well as a series by artists Marylou Faure, Jose Mendez and Sofie Birkin – each 1,000 piece puzzle also comes with an A3 poster and a draw-string bag to keep everything neat and tidy.

(rejig.uk, from £30)

2. ‘In my feelings’ aromatherapy gift set – ede

Aromatherapy rollers are the perfect way to indulge in the power of your senses throughout the day, and the ‘in my feelings’ gift set from ede offers all your loved one needs to get started with aromatherapy. Vegan and made in small batches, this set comes with three blends: ‘morning brew’, ‘best day ever’, and ‘burnout’, each one specially formulated to address a different need.

(theedestore.com, £38)

3. Bread baking classes – The Epsom Bakehouse

If you want to gift something that will last a lifetime, it may be time to consider gifting a course. The baking courses from The Epsom Bakehouse are suitable for beginners onwards, and are carried out remotely, so you can get stuck in from the comfort of your own home. Your baker can choose from classes focusing on a wide selection of bakes, including baguettes, sourdough, ciabatta, and sweet breads.

(theepsombakehouse.co.uk, £19.99 per person)

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We’ve all heard the story of the boy who never grew up. But do you know someone like that in real life?

Who wouldn’t love to be more carefree? To go back to a simpler time, when everyday responsibilities didn’t rule your day-to-day life, and you could live more in the moment.

Yet many of us know that, despite our love of nostalgia and occasional indulgences in activities we enjoyed in our younger years, we still have to face up to the emotional and financial challenges of adulthood. But… what if you didn’t? What if you just refused to take responsibility at work, in relationships, and in life?

Peter Pan syndrome

The term was coined in 1983 by Dr Dan Kiley in his book, Peter Pan Syndrome: Men Who Have Never Grown Up. While it’s not an officially recognised psychological disorder, Peter Pan syndrome refers to a type of behaviour that can affect anyone, of any gender or culture.

Someone exhibiting signs of Peter Pan syndrome may appear anxious when being evaluated by colleagues or managers, being unable to tolerate any form of criticism. They may have serious problems adapting at work, or in romantic or platonic relationships. Common signs within a relationship can include:

• Being unable to keep promises, stick to commitments, or take on responsibilities.
• Constantly changing partners (typically for someone younger) to avoid commitment.
• Refusal, reluctance, or inability to define relationships.
• Neglecting general life admin (basic household tasks), or relying on others to do things for them.
• Avoiding acknowledging, addressing, or fixing relationship issues.
• An unwillingness to make big decisions or plan ahead.

But Peter Pan syndrome can affect more than just personal relationships. For many at work, it can also include:

• Difficulty adapting or receiving criticism.
• Constantly being late, skipping work, putting in little effort, or making excuses for poor performance.
• Job hopping due to boredom, difficulty, stress, or lack of skills (and unwillingness to work towards improvement).
• A preference for low-commitment, part-time roles.
• Focusing on dreams without putting in time, effort, or realistic goals to meet them (e.g. going from couch potato to competitive athlete).

Other common behaviours can include difficulty with finances or unwise spending, an excessive interest in their looks or wellbeing, a general air of helplessness, a lack of accountability, fear of criticism, and expectation that others will do things for them. While these may all seem like clear warning signs from the outside, often, for those experiencing Peter Pan syndrome, they do not view their behaviour as problematic.

Why do people develop Peter Pan syndrome?

Views on this are a little divided. One avenue of thought is that, for some people, overly protective families may have unintentionally led to us failing to develop the skills needed to get by in life. This, in turn, results in us being ‘stuck’ in a state of adolescence, where we may feel unable or unwilling to step up and take on more responsibilities.

Other researchers believe that parenting styles which are too laid back can lead to the same lack of skill development, as well as causing us to focus on the purely fun aspects of l

A recent study revealed that a quarter of children and young people who have lived through Covid lockdowns are likely to have poor mental health. We look into this further and share free and useful resources

A recent NHS Digital report follows insights from 2017 and looks at how the pandemic has affected the mental health of seven to 24-year-olds, considering household circumstances, educational experiences and their communities.

The worrying findings reveal that one in four 17-19-year-olds have a 'probable' mental health problem. The survey classifies how likely it would be that the child had a diagnosable condition (without seeing a professional). The results for the younger population (seven to 16) aren’t much better, with 18% saying they’d be likely to have poor mental health. To put this into context, that’s around five children in every classroom.

Prior to the pandemic, one in 10 people aged 17-19 were thought to have a mental health problem, so why has the pandemic hit young people so hard?

Particularly for those transitioning into their early adult years, the numerous lockdowns brought on by the pandemic have had a knock-on effect. Not only have the school closures resulted in many children being set back in their education, but it’s also impacted their social lives and mental wellbeing as people were forced apart, leading to isolation and feelings of loneliness.

Perhaps more worryingly, the figures also suggest that almost 20% of primary school-aged boys (seven to 10) were classed as having a probable mental health problem, compared to 10.5% of girls the same age. When asked what mental health problems these children were likely to have, the results indicated an increase in anxiety, depression, and behavioural challenges such as ADHD.

With the rising use of technology during Covid, more and more people have taken to social media. NHS Digital found that, of the social media users surveyed, young women were almost twice as likely to report being a victim of bullying than men. For social media users thought to have a mental health problem, the number who felt they had been bullied increased to more than one in four.

How can we help children transition to a post-pandemic world?

Whilst the pandemic has brought families closer together, children of all ages have missed out on other vital parts of their lives, whether that’s interacting with their peers in the classroom or navigating the start of adulthood at university.

Getting support

For many, the isolation experienced during lockdowns may make being back in the school environment harder to adjust to. Whilst some children might be confident in the playground, others may need a little longer to get back in the swing of things. Social and separation anxiety are likely to take effect, so it’s important that we’re on hand to offer our children as much support as possible.