Michelle Elman on the dilemmas of modern-day dating

Web Admin 0 551 Article rating: No rating

Our brand new columnist, author and life coach Michelle Elman, questions the societal scrutiny and pressures put on singletons, and explores how we can reframe the dating game

Michelle Elman on the dilemmas of modern-day dating

If you have been single long enough, odds are someone will have asked you ‘why’ you are still single. This question has always irked me, because it implies that being in a relationship is the default, when actually it’s the opposite. We come into this world single and, one way or another, we leave this world alone, too. Not everyone wants a relationship, and during my eight years of being single, I hated being asked this question, but what I hated even more was when people would try to answer it for you. “Maybe you aren’t putting yourself out there enough?” “You will meet someone when you least expect it” “Maybe you’re too picky?”

So, whether you’re sick of hearing these same questions, or you want to understand why, even with the best intentions, they can be problematic, let’s unpick these common sentiments singles hear all too often:

“Maybe you aren’t putting yourself out there enough?”

The implication here is that if you are single, it is your own fault, and you aren’t working hard enough to rectify the problem that is ‘being single’. Just because you are single, doesn’t mean you have to be dating. You are allowed to just want to be single. And even if you are dating, it is undeniable that dating consumes a lot of time and energy, so it’s understandable if it’s not always the top of your priority list. There will be times when your work comes first, and there will be times when you come first. Being single is not a fault that needs fixing.

“You will meet someone when you least expect it”

First they blame you for not making enough effort, and then they blame you for making too much. After all, you don’t want to be desperate. Can you imagine if we said this about any other goal you wanted to achieve? Sending in your CV to a job you want would be seen as ‘desperate’. It makes no sense. This is a phrase often uttered by people in hindsight, but the truth is rarely close to it. There is no shame in actively pursuing a relationship.

“Maybe you are too picky?”

Well, if you are not desperate and you are putting yourself out there enough, then you must be too picky! You’d hope I would be picky! Think about how much time you spend with a person when you are in a relationship. Typically, it’s the person you spend the most time with. With our growing loss of community, we as a society now place more emphasis on our primary romantic relationship, so you better pick someone who you like being around. I am a big believer in the phrase ‘you become the five people you spend the most time with’ and so if a person is going to consume so much of your time and energy, damn right you need to pick wisely!

Ultimately, we need to reframe society’s view on what it means to be single. We need to stop seeing it as a sign of our unlovability, or that there is something wrong with us. You can actively choose to be single, and by do

50 calming affirmations for Christmas chaos

Web Admin 0 515 Article rating: No rating

Take a moment for yourself this festive season, with these 50 affirmations designed to help you find calm in the chaos

50 calming affirmations for Christmas chaos

Christmas is a time for giving, gratitude, reflection, and togetherness. It’s also a time for over-flowing to-do lists, kitchen nightmares, noise, lights, and family fall-outs. So, this year, doesn’t it just make sense to make a commitment to creating pockets of calm, where you can?

Affirmations are short phrases or mantras that we can repeat to ourselves, either aloud or in our heads, that help us to focus our minds, soothe stress, and build resilience. Here, we’ve collected together a list of 50 affirmations, designed to help you find calm in the chaos.

Which ones resonate with you? Pick out a selection, note them down on your phone, or write them out on a piece of paper to keep in your bag or pocket – and, when you feel your stress levels rising, breathe deeply, and repeat your affirmations. Let the calm in, and the chaos go…

  1. I let go of the pursuit of perfection.
  2. I am committed to peace and calm.
  3. I am capable of tackling obstacles.
  4. My thoughts do not control me, I control my thoughts.
  5. My wellbeing is worth protecting.
  6. I am doing the best I can.
  7. I take things one step at a time.
  8. My feelings deserve to be recognised.
  9. I invite joy into my life.
  10. I am the architect of my own life.
  11. I give myself permission to rest.
  12. I let go of stress.
  13. I am safe.
  14. I can ask for help when I need it.
  15. I deserve to be treated with respect.
  16. I recognise my skills.
  17. My feelings are valid and I will Iisten to them.
  18. I do not need to please everyone.
  19. I treat myself with kindness.
  20. I live in line with my values.
  21. I have the tools I need to face challenges that come my way.
  22. I will take time to find joy in my day.
  23. I am allowed to say ‘no’.
  24. I am grateful for what I have.
  25. I treasure happy moments.
  26. I relieve myself of the pressure to perform.
  27. I can feel a sense of calm moving through my body.
  28. My mind is still and quiet.
  29. My anxious thoughts don’t rule me.
  30. It is healthy to set boundaries with others.
  31. I deserve to rest.
  32. If I reach my capacity, I can stop.
  33. I am not responsible for everyone’s happiness.
  34. I breathe out stress and breathe in peace.
  35. Asking for help is a sign of strength.
  36. It’s OK to need quiet.
  37. I deserve to feel appreciated.
  38. I am not responsible for the things I can’t control.
  39. I don’t need to prove myself to anyone.
  40. It’s OK to take a step back.
  41. I will have a peaceful day.
  42. I let go of the tension.
  43. I have faith in myself.
  44. I return to the present moment.
  45. I am capable of being calm.
  46. I do not ponder on intrusive thoughts.
  47. I am loved.
  48. External stress doesn't need to affect me.
  49. I deserve compassion.
  50. I am calm.

Looking for support? Connect with a counsellor using the Counselling Directory

Read more

10 things to try in January to benefit your wellbeing

Web Admin 0 520 Article rating: No rating

From a book about nocturnal exploration, to a podcast that will help you find your mindful moment, try something new with our enriching suggestions

1. Page-turners

10 things to try in January to benefit your wellbeing

Wild Nights Out: The Magic of Exploring the Outdoors After Dark by Chris Salisbury

Instead of settling indoors during the shorter and darker winter days, take it as an opportunity to go on a nocturnal adventure, and explore the wonders of nature after dark. From learning how to call for owls, to fireside storytelling, outdoor educator Chris Salisbury’s fun-filled guide is packed with games and sensory activities that can be enjoyed at any age.

(Out now, £14.99)

2. Out and about

Enjoy a winter picnic

If you think picnics can only be enjoyed during the summer, think again! Winter picnics are becoming increasingly popular, and it’s easy to see why. It’s a perfect, low-cost activity to share memorable moments with loved ones in the brisk beauty of winter. So, pack your bag with warm comfort drinks and lunches, and be at one with the outdoors.

10 things to try in January to benefit your wellbeing

3. Act of kindness

Volunteer for Be My Eyes

Living life as someone with vision loss can be difficult, but volunteers at Be My Eyes are here to help make the world more accessible. Sign up to lend your sight to blind and low-vision users to help individuals solve tasks and tackle problems via a live video call – it will certainly make a big difference to someone’s life.

(Visit bemyeyes.com to find out more information)

4. Lend us your ears

‘Meditation Minis’

Do you find it difficult to make time for mindfulness in your busy schedule? With these short five to 20-minute guided sessions, you can always make time for a daily dose. Led by hypnotherapist Chel Hamilton, each episode is designed to calm your anxiety and find inner peace.

(Available on all podcast platforms)

5. Plugged-In

Yulia Sherbak

Whether you’re an embroiderer seeking creative inspiration, or someone who can simply appreciate the fine art of “painting with thread”, follow self-taught embroidery artist Yulia Sherbak. The beautifully intricate needlework featuring nature and wildlife, certainly speaks for itself.

(Follow @mossandfeather)


50 good news stories from 2022 you might have missed

Web Admin 0 539 Article rating: No rating

When the world is dragging you down, remember there’s plenty of positives out there, too. Enjoy our rundown of 50 sensational stories from 2022, to give you a more optimistic outlook

Environment

50 good news stories from 2022 you might have missed

1. Parts of the Great Barrier Reef are reportedly showing the best signs of coral recovery in 36 years!

50 good news stories from 2022 you might have missed

2. In a major milestone, there are now enough solar panels around the world to generate 1 terawatt of electricity.

3. Based on current progress, scientists estimate that the hole in the Earth’s ozone layer will close around 2070!

4. As of September 2022, Denmark has become the first country in the world to offer ‘loss and damage’ compensation to developing countries affected by climate change, in the form of €13.4 million.

5. Engineers at Stamford University, California, have created revolutionary solar panels that can also generate electricity at night.

6. In a truly selfless and generous act, an anonymous French man who won the Euromillions jackpot has used his €200 million winnings to start an environmental charity.

7. In August, the world’s largest offshore wind farm, based off the Yorkshire coast, was declared fully operational. It features 165 wind turbines, and will help to provide renewable energy to more than 1.4 million UK homes.

8. WasteSharks are the latest incredible innovation tackling plastic waste, utilising drone technology. Designed by Dutch company RanMarine, the aquatic drones were inspired by whale sharks catching their prey, with each one able to hold up to 160 litres of waste.

9. Hawaii closed its last coal power plant to focus on greener energy options, removing the 1.5 million metric tons of greenhouse gases it created each year.

10. In a world-first, the National Grid is removing 22 electricity pylons from Dorset’s Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty, and is replacing them with 60 miles of underground cables, in a bid to return the landscape to its natural form.

Animals

11. In April 2022, the Animal Welfare (Sentience) Bill was passed into British law, in a landmark ruling that recognises animals as complex beings, and protects them with stricter sentences against those who mistreat them.

12. Dog-lover Erica Hart has used a drone to search for and rescue more than 200 lost dogs in the past seven years. Helping distraught owners, her birdseye view has been invaluable in tracking down pups before any harm can come to them, and she’s even started a Facebook group to create a community on the watch for missing dogs, to reunite them with their families.

13. They may say ‘cat’s got your tongue’, but not any more. App, MeowTalk, claims to have cracked the code to translate a cat’s meows into human languages

5 supportive steps to recover from narcissistic abuse

Web Admin 0 569 Article rating: No rating

It’s a long road to recovery following emotional abuse, manipulation, and gaslighting, but the following suggestions can help to ease that journey

5 supportive steps to recover from narcissistic abuse

Over the past couple of years, narcissistic abuse has become a social media buzzword – more and more people are becoming aware of the signs, and working to break free from it. Since 2017, I’ve been helping abuse survivors from all over the world to get back on their feet, regain their mental health, and recover who they were always meant to be.

Every person who walks through my door says something along the lines of, “I don’t know who I am any more.” Or, “I don’t recognise the person looking back at me in the mirror.” Some don’t even see anyone else at all. The complete loss of self, caused by the tactical erosion of identity, is one of the most difficult and heartbreaking consequences of narcissistic abuse.

The good news is that with the right tools, and the right support, you can find your way back to you, and when you do, this connection with yourself will be stronger than you could have ever imagined. So, how do you do it?

1. No contact (no ifs, no buts)

This is the most important rule of abuse recovery. Also, admittedly, one of the most difficult steps to take. If you stay connected, even if it’s keeping their number on your phone, just in case, you will not heal. Period.

Does this mean you’re selfish? Does this mean you’re a bad person? Does this mean you’re turning into a narcissist yourself? No, no, and no. No contact and narcissistic silent treatment are not the same at all. It serves your self-protection.

If no contact isn’t possible due to shared custody or legal proceedings, the contact needs to be highly modified and kept to the absolute minimum, with no personal touches at all, ideally through a neutral third party and/or apps such as OurFamilyWizard (ourfamilywizard.co.uk).

2. Take responsibility for your journey

It’s really easy to feel sorry for ourselves when we’ve experienced such unspeakable horrors and struggle with our mental health as a consequence. Is it fair? Absolutely not. The reality, however, is that we can’t change what has happened. All you can do is change how you feel about it. Can you take full responsibility for yourself and your recovery, make life happen, and feel empowered and in control? The decision is yours. Remember: you are the CEO of this operation!

3. Shift the focus

Shift the focus away from them, and what happened, and onto yourself and your healing. There is a time for reading books about narcissists and victim stories, and engaging in self-help groups, but eventually, you need to start to focus on yourself and begin to learn about things that actually will move you forward.

4. Self-care, self-care, self-care

I cannot stress enough the importance of self-care in finding yourself. This is something that very likely doesn’t come naturally to you. You’ve probably spent your whole life sacrificing yourself, and have always put others’ wellbeing before your own. Now is the time to change that. It’s like you putting your oxygen mask on first on the plane before you help others.

Self-care is whe

RSS
First2122232426282930Last