If you’re winding down for the year and are keen to take a moment for reflection, this guide is for you

How are you feeling as the end of the year approaches? If you’re anything like me, the word ‘tired’ may well come to mind. When this feeling comes over me, however, I try to embrace it. As I type this, I’m cocooned in a cosy jumper listening to acoustic Christmas songs. I’m making plans for rest and am ready to hibernate a little.

I’m also making plans for quiet reflection. The end of a year naturally lends itself to this, giving us a clear endpoint to pause and look back at the last 12 months. I do this every year and it helps me appreciate what I’ve experienced, learn any necessary lessons and grieve for what didn’t go to plan. It also serves as a jumping-off point for setting intentions and hopes for the year ahead.

If you’re keen to try an end of year reflection, here are some steps to make it both meaningful and enjoyable.

Set the scene

The first step is to carve out time and space for reflection. Plan a morning, afternoon or evening and schedule it in your calendar like you would any other important appointment. When you get to it, make it special. Play your favourite music, light a candle, have a beverage and snack nearby (I personally opt for a glass of red and a mince pie) and get a writing tool of choice (pen and paper, notes app on your phone, computer, voice memo – whatever works for you).

Take a couple of deep breaths to centre yourself. Let go of what’s happened so far today/this week. Engage your senses and root yourself in the present moment. We have to arrive where we are before we look back.

If you had to describe the year in one word, what would it be?

To start with, it can be helpful to really zoom out for a bird’s eye view of the year. Thinking of it as a whole, can you think of one word that encapsulates the year? This can be a helpful starting point before digging deeper.

What felt tough this year?

I personally like to start with the lows so I can end on a high, but you may prefer to switch this order. Whenever you come to it, ask yourself what was difficult about this year. You may have a lot to note here, or not as much as you think. Remember, we all have different capacities for stress, so what feels difficult for one person may not feel difficult for others. So try not to compare yourself to others who may have had it ‘worse’. This is about you and how you experienced the year.

What lessons were learnt?

The lessons from the tough moments of the year may be obvious, or they may still elude you. They may have reminded you how important self-compassion is. They may have strengthened or weakened relationships. They may have helped you see what’s important to you in your life. They may have simply reminded you that this life is a wild ride sometimes and all we can do is hold on until things settle.

Who gave you what you needed this year?

Taking a moment to thi

Eight months after The Wanted star Tom Parker died of brain cancer, his wife Kelsey reveals her ongoing experience of grief, and the physical and mental challenge that will offer an opportunity for contemplation and healing

The weekend before her interview with Happiful, actress and influencer Kelsey Parker was a guest at a wedding where she unexpectedly found herself sidelined by other guests.

“No one wanted to talk to me,” explains Kelsey. “People don’t know what to say to me, so they say nothing at all. I tried to speak to people that I hadn’t seen for a while, but after the ‘How are you?’ nobody wanted to take the conversation further.”

For the uninitiated, that conversation is grief. And, according to Kelsey, the widow of singer and The Wanted star Tom Parker who died in March at the age of 33, after an 18-month battle with brain cancer, it’s time we all did better at speaking out about life after loss.

“I’m coping with my grief by speaking about it, but in the UK we just don’t talk honestly and openly about grief, death, and everything else associated with these painful experiences. These are realities that will one day affect us all,” says Kelsey, who has made a six-part ITVBe miniseries about grief, which airs this month. Welcoming cameras into the south London home she once shared with Tom and their children Aurelia, three, and Bodhi, two, and being filmed as she explored alternative ways to navigate grief was, says Kelsey, “hugely healing”.

As well as visiting a death cafe where people drink tea, eat cake, and discuss death, she tried grief yoga, where movements and breathing techniques help participants process their feelings. She also met with members of Widowed And Young, a national charity for people who are aged 50 or under when their partner dies.

“It’s shocking, isn’t it? I’m 32 and I’m a widow,” sighs Kelsey. “Although my friends are amazing, they can’t truly relate to me because they’ve not lost their partner, so I really enjoyed meeting with the WAY members because they truly understood where I was coming from, and that was lovely.”

With this in mind, you can sense the appeal of another activity that Kelsey is embarking on as part of her life journey post-Tom.

Alongside her close pal, actress and podcaster Giovanna Fletcher, TOWIE star Pete Wicks, and TV personality Vicky Pattison, last month Kelsey trekked 100km across the Sahara in aid of breast cancer awareness charity, CoppaFeel!

Flanked by 100 CoppaFeel! supporters, the team hiked for 10 hours daily through Morocco’s unforgiving landscape, a gruelling challenge that would intimidate most. But not Kelsey.

From the day he was diagnosed with an inoperable grade four glioblastoma tumour in October 2020, during his 60 sessions of chemotherapy and radiotherapy, and until the day he died just hours after lying beside Kelsey and placing his platinum wedding ring on her finger, Tom never lost s

What is it, why does it happen, and what signs should I be looking out for? We share everything you need to know about passive suicidal ideation

Passive suicidal ideation is something that many of us experience, but few seriously talk about. Perhaps the thought has crossed your mind, “I wish I could just fall asleep and not wake up,” or “I wish I could die, so I don’t have to deal with this.” These are examples of passive suicidal ideation and, while they are not active plans, and often focus on ways in which someone may die rather than actively cause their own death (such as thoughts of death through an accident or natural causes, rather than suicide), these thoughts can be not only worrying, but can lead to engaging in riskier behaviour without being conscious of it.

Suicidal ideation isn’t an isolated event – it can be a symptom of other mental health issues, such as severe depression, or manic depression for those with a bipolar disorder diagnosis. Here, we’ll explain more about the different types of suicidal ideation, warning signs to look out for, and, crucially, how to then find help.

What’s the difference between passive and active suicidal ideation?

Having suicidal thoughts is a spectrum. For some people, these thoughts may be active: they think about suicide, and may have developed a plan for what they will do. They want to die. For others, it may be passive: they wish they were dead or could die, but do not have any concrete plans.

Neither kind of suicidal ideation should be dismissed. You are still at risk of harm if you have passive suicidal thoughts.

Intent and motivation can change quickly, meaning you may not feel at risk now, but that could change before you realise it or have time to seek help. Studies have suggested that if you experience high levels of depression and suicidality, thoughts of passive and active ideation have the potential to become more severe and dangerous. Experiencing physical illness, a significant decline in your mental health, or an unpredictable event (losing your job, a particularly bad day, fighting with a loved one) could trigger your thoughts to become active.

How many people experience passive suicidal ideation?

Passive suicidal thoughts are more common than many of us realise. Worldwide, around 9% of us will experience suicidal ideation at some point in our lives. Within the past 12 months, that sat at around 2%. One US study found that 4% of adults aged 18 and over have thought about suicide, with those aged 18–25 the most likely to have had such thoughts within the past 12 months.

As of 2020, around 10 in every 100,000 deaths were contributed to suicide in England. For men, that rate was much higher (15.3 per 100,000) compared to women (4.9 per 100,000). Men aged 45–49 have the highest suicide rate (23.8 per 100,000). Worldwide, the World Health Organisation estimates that one in every 100 deaths is a result of suicide.

All this to say, suicide is something that has touched many lives, and it’s something that we need to take seriously.

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If ‘barely getting by’ is where you’re at right now, you could be dwelling in ‘survival mode’

Here’s something that all of us can likely agree on: it can be really tough out there. The shared pressure to do and be more, the waves of bad news that flood our lives, and the personal challenges that we’re forced to face – it’s a wonder we’re able to manage at all. Except, actually, sometimes we aren’t. Sometimes, stress tips us over the edge, and our bodies respond.

“In simple terms, ‘survival mode’ is our body’s automatic response to danger,” counsellor and psychotherapist Belinda Sidhu says. “It’s what has helped us to survive, to get to this point. This response begins in one of the oldest parts of the brain, the limbic system.

“When someone confronts danger, the eyes, ears, or both send information to the amygdala – a part of the brain which can act a bit like an alarm system.

The amygdala interprets those images and sounds. When it perceives danger, it instantly sends a distress signal to the hypothalamus – which functions a bit like a control centre communicating with the rest of the body through our nervous system – and controls hormone release. This can lead to that fight/flight/freeze response.

“This response can absolutely be helpful and aid in our survival if, for example, we’re crossing the road and a car turns a corner unexpectedly. Yet, it’s not so helpful if we’re experiencing it when a stressful email pops up. However, the unfortunate element of the amygdala is that it cannot differentiate between the two ‘dangers’, and which may be an actual threat to our survival.”

As Belinda explains, stress is a very normal part of life – and it can even help motivate us, in small doses – but, over time, it can reach a tipping point where it begins to detrimentally affect your life, making it almost impossible for you to concentrate on anything else. At this point, you could enter ‘survival mode’.

“When we go into ‘survival mode’ – or experience the fight/flight/freeze responses – we may notice a number of physical, emotional, and behavioural signs,” Belinda explains. As she sees it, these include…

Physical signs: Aches and pains, trouble sleeping, muscle tension, or jaw clenching. You may find yourself grinding your teeth in your sleep and waking up with a sore jaw. Stomach or digestive problems, bloating, high blood pressure, or headaches.

Emotional signs: Being more emotional than usual – maybe more irritable, getting angry or frustrated at things that wouldn’t usually cause you anger, feeling overwhelmed, or on edge.

Behavioural signs: You may have trouble keeping track of things, making decisions, solving problems, concentrating or getting your work done. You might find yourself procrastinating and avoiding your responsibilities. You may be ‘self-prescribing’ – drinking more alcohol than usual, or using substances such as recreation

We all struggle from time to time. So why does reaching out for help feel so scary? We share more about how to ask for help

Why does asking for help feel so hard? Despite our growing understanding of mental and emotional health and wellbeing, many of us struggle to speak out and ask for help when we need it the most.

According to the latest figures from the United Nations, nearly one billion of us worldwide are experiencing some form of mental disorder. For teens, that is around one in seven. With ill mental health becoming more and more recognised, why aren't we asking for help sooner?

Why do we find it so hard to ask for help?

While accessing help can be a struggle, many of us find it hard to even ask for help. This can be due to a wide range of reasons. Some people worry that they will be a bother or an inconvenience to friends, family or loved ones, or add extra stress and worry to those around them if they admit they need help. Others may be hesitant to speak up out of fear of being judged, seen as weak or ‘less than’ others who aren't outwardly struggling. Some of us may hold back from asking for help out of fear of rejection or not receiving the help we are looking for, so we convince ourselves it is better not to ask, rather than to ask and still not get help.

Counselling Directory member, Psychotherapist and Clinical Supervisor Fe Robinson explains more. “It can feel very difficult to reach out and ask for support. You may feel vulnerable or uncertain, or asking may simply be too much right now. You may not feel there is anyone there that can be a support for you, or you may fear rejection. You may simply want to talk about how to improve relationships and get the support you need. In all of these situations, counselling can be a useful aide.”

Does asking for help actually work?

While asking for help isn’t always successful on the first try, we can still gain so much. By asking for help, we can:

• Stop ourselves from feeling stuck. The longer we wait to ask for help, the more stressed, anxious and overwhelmed we can feel. Speaking up can help us to regain the ability to move forward and see positive changes in the areas we most need them.
• Feel connected with others. When we need to ask for help - either that’s due to mental health, emotional wellbeing, or another reason - we can often feel lonely and isolated. Seeking advice, asking for help, or just sharing what is worrying us allows us to share our burden, connect with others who may be experiencing similar feelings, and dispel the fear that may have built up about admitting something is wrong.
• Gain an outside perspective. Sometimes, talking things through with a loved one is enough to help us see a problem in a new light. Other times, it can help us to recognise when we may need more help in the form of talk therapy, group therapy, peer support, or medication.

How do I ask for emotional help?

Asking for emotional support can feel tough. How do you start the conversation? Who should you turn to first? What do you say? It’s important to remember that everyone deserves to feel supported emotionally. When we feel too overwhelmed, we can ri