When a pal suddenly leaves your life, it can feel confusing and distressing. Try these next steps...

Ghosting, when someone cuts communication suddenly and without explanation, can be a deeply painful, even heartbreaking, experience. Naturally, an abrupt ending to all communication can be all the more upsetting when it’s done by a friend. Being ghosted can result in unanswered questions, a frustrating lack of closure, or the feeling that something is ‘wrong’ with who we are. It can also create a ‘void’ where the friendship used to be, or even a loss of identity.

As being ghosted by a friend is often distressing, healing can take time. So, let’s take a look at what can be done to support that process.

Use distress tolerance techniques

The hours and days after realising you have been ghosted are likely to be the most difficult. Distress tolerance techniques are healthy ways of coping that help a person get through emotionally painful moments. One example of a distress tolerance technique is self-soothing, using the five senses in a healthy way. Cocoon yourself in a soft blanket while watching a relaxing film, or take a gentle walk in nature. Another example is using ‘safe place imagery’ or ‘guided visualisation’ to temporarily take you into a more comfortable space in your mind.

Use mindfulness to avoid reacting impulsively

Practising a mindful stance towards thoughts and emotions makes it easier to pause, preventing spur-of-the-moment reactions. Notice where emotions are arising in your body. What sensations do they create? Gently pay attention to the depth and speed of your breath. Observe any thoughts that arise and, instead of becoming tangled up in them, imagine them passing through the mind like leaves floating on a stream, or clouds drifting across the sky. Observe all sensations and thoughts without judging or trying to change them.

Validate feelings of loss

Being ghosted by a friend may elicit feelings of immeasurable loss. This may be the loss of an imagined future, no longer being able to talk with them, or having extra time on your hands. Memories may also feel tarnished or even ruined; it may be hard to see or think about anything relating to the friendship. After being ghosted, some people may grieve – know that all emotional responses are valid and deserve to be taken seriously, by yourself and others.

Acknowledge that there are things you can’t control

As relationship counsellor Siobhan Butt explains: “In the absence of any answers, we tell ourselves a negative story, and actually all the answers you need about the relationship are in this person’s behaviour; they have shown you who they are. They are viewing their own comfort as more important than your feelings, otherwise, they would have a difficult conversation with you.”

While some self-reflection is helpful, avoid engaging in self-blame or self-criticism for being ghosted. Siobhan says: “Self-care is really

Attitudes towards mental health have been changing for the better in recent years. We’re more comfortable than ever talking to our kids about their mental health – and our own. But how can we encourage our parents' generation to open up about mental health and wellbeing?

Nearly two-thirds (63%) of us think it’s getting easier to talk about mental health. According to figures released in 2022, however, older people could do with more mental health support but are less likely to receive it than younger people.

The older we are, the harder we find discussing our mental health and admitting when we need help. Yet data shows that over half a million over 65s are experiencing an anxiety disorder, nearly half a million have a major depressive disorder, over 190,000 are experiencing chronic depressive disorder, and over 140,000 have bipolar disorder.

Nearly a fifth (19%) of the population in the UK are now 65 and over, with over half of over 55s having experienced common mental health problems. While more and more of us are willing to reach out and ask professionals for support according to figures released by Happiful, figures from the Mental Health Foundation reveal that, despite our increased comfort in talking about our struggles, just one in eight adults received mental health treatment.

While many of us are willing to seek out help for ourselves, how can we start the conversation with older parents and family members who may be reluctant to even talk about mental health, much less recognise or admit when they need help?

How do I talk to my parents about their mental health?

How do you spot the signs of emotional abuse? Is it really as bad as other kinds of abuse? We answer your top questions about emotional abuse and explain where you can find help

Abuse can come in many forms, affecting people of all ages and genders, from different walks of life. It’s estimated around one in 15 children in the UK have experienced emotional abuse, while one in 11 adults is thought to have experienced emotional abuse before the age of 16. Official figures estimate 4.5% of adults under the age of 60 have experienced partner abuse in some form in the past year. Some reports estimate that more than a third of women in the UK have experienced psychological abuse - and nearly a third (28%) don’t trust the legal system to help them.

Emotional abuse is one of the most difficult types of abuse to identify. Often taking place alongside other forms of abuse (physical abuse, sexual abuse, child abuse, domestic violence), emotional abuse can be hard to define and easy to miss if you aren’t the one living through it. Victims of emotional abuse may downplay their experiences, or over time, come to think that it is normal.

Abuse is always wrong. No matter what the relationship is or how long things have been going on, no one should have to accept abuse as part of their lives.

We explain more about emotional abuse, common abusive behaviours and signs to keep an eye out for, and how to find help if you or someone you love is experiencing abuse.

What is emotional abuse?

Also known as psychological abuse, emotional abuse includes a wide range of behaviours and actions. When someone tries to control you by using emotions to blame, embarrass, criticise, shame, guilt or manipulate you in some way, that’s a type of abuse. Over time, this can become a pattern of words and/or behaviours which can affect how you feel about yourself, your self-worth, and your overall sense of wellbeing.

Counselling Directory member Leigh Taylor explains more about emotional abuse and finding help through counselling.

Is emotional abuse domestic violence?

Domestic violence, also known as domestic abuse, can include lots of different kinds of behaviours and types of abuse including emotional and/or psychological abuse. Often, people experience many types of abusive behaviours as part of domestic violence, including:

• coercive control (when someone uses intimidation, degradation, isolation, or control through using or threatening physical or sexual violence)
• physical abuse (intentionally harming someone physically, such as through slapping, punching, withhol

Is envy over a partner’s past clouding a happy future?

According to onlinedoctor.com, in the UK, the average person has seven sexual partners across a lifetime but, whatever your own experience, it’s fair to say that most people will go into a new relationship bringing their own history. So, what happens when the past gets in the way of present happiness?

“Retroactive jealousy is the jealousy of the past, and a series of uncertainties related to the partner’s previous love affairs,” psychologist Barbara Ocello explains. “It manifests in disproportionate jealousy for the partner’s romantic past, often becoming a cause of conflict, hindering the grounds for harmony within the couple.”

As Barbara explains, retroactive jealousy can lead to obsessive, intrusive, and negative thoughts that can encroach on an otherwise happy and healthy relationship, and this risks bringing with it anxiety, anger, and sadness. So, what steps can you take to address these feelings?

1. Become aware of what you experience

Putting a name to a feeling can really help us start to feel more in control of it, and also allows us to connect with other, similar experiences.

“Sometimes, you can become so overwhelmed by the flow of events that you cannot understand what is really happening,” Barbara explains. “Think about what you are experiencing, name the feelings you have, and think about the images that come to mind. It may be helpful to write down what is happening, to ‘let out’ the anger and become aware of it.”

When you’re in the throes of retrospective jealousy, the feelings of distress are very real, but trying to take a step back to name and examine it is a gateway to giving yourself permission to move forward.

2. Stay in the present

“A useful strategy to deal with such jealousy is to rationalise feelings and thoughts,” Barbara says. “One way to do this is to think back to your past rather than your partner’s. Look back over your experiences, both good and bad. Think about the times when you felt loved or have loved. Also, reflect on what you were like in your past relationships. If it doesn’t take anything away from how you feel in your current relationship, why shouldn’t it be the same for your partner?”

When we’re missing info, it can be easy to fill in the gaps with things that aren’t necessarily grounded in facts. If this is something you find yourself doing, take a moment to pause and consider where reality ends and intrusive thoughts take over.

For example, Barbara recommends keeping in mind that if your partner ended the relationship with their ex, there must have been problems, and that they have now chosen to stay with you, to build a life together.

3. Try to avoid controlling behaviours

The point at which retrospective jealousy can become a more serious problem is if you begin to act on unfounded feelings. You might then breach trust in the relationship, or be constantly on the lookout for new information about your partner’s past, which will only spur on your fears.

“Stop investigating the past by looking for info on social networks, or asking family and friends about previous relationships,” Barbara says. “These are self-destructive behaviours. Don’t nag your

Over time, people – and relationships – change. But what happens when, little by little, it feels like you’ve lost your sense of togetherness? Try these questions to encourage emotional intimacy and break the bedroom silence

How do you know when you’re no longer in love with your spouse? It seems like something you should just know, doesn’t it? But… what if it isn’t? What if, slowly, over time, you find yourself losing little bits of the bond that created your togetherness?

For some couples, there is no big fallout. You may not be able to pinpoint when it happened, but over the weeks, months, or even years, you may have reached a state of ‘silent divorce’.

What is a silent divorce?

The phrase ‘silent divorce’ refers to a relationship where you are still together, but have drifted apart. There may be no obvious conflict, but there’s also nothing else clearly happening in your relationship: no passion, no excitement, no overly strong feelings towards your partner either way. For some couples, this can make the breakdown in your relationship feel that much more frustrating, as there’s no clear issue to tackle or big change to be made.

To find out more about the importance of communication and emotional intimacy in our relationships, we turned to integrative counsellor and psychotherapist Julie Howard.

“Relationships don’t just happen, they take effort in maintaining them. It’s all too easy to just settle into a routine, it can evolve without either person becoming aware,” Julie says. “I feel relationships rarely break down for no reason. Usually, there are warning signs, it just depends whether we recognise them. Sometimes, we put off facing up to unsettling feelings through fear of the unknown. However, on occasion, a person is completely blindsided by the sudden announcement that their loved one isn’t happy anymore.”

What are the warning signs?

Being able to enjoy comfortable silence can signify intimacy and connection. But when the silence comes from a lack of things to say, or lasts for a long period, it can be a sign that you are growing apart – you exist in the same space, but are not sharing the same ‘togetherness’ in a meaningful way.

Julie explains that there can be many early warning signs that something may be wrong in your relationship – you just need to know what to watch for. “Some things to look out for could be small, intimate gestures that were once normal are now becoming infrequent, such as kissing and cuddling, or holding hands while out. Little communication at mealtimes, or even silence. More time spent on devices – it’s easy to zone out on social media – or choosing to spend more time away from the home.”

One big warning sign that many of us can overlook, Julie shares, is a feeling of something being wrong. “Sometimes we can just ‘feel’ that something is wrong in a relationship. Often that uneasy feeling can be brushed off during a busy day, but can be more prevalent at bedtime when you don’t have any distractions.ȁ