Our brand new columnist, author and life coach Michelle Elman, questions the societal scrutiny and pressures put on singletons, and explores how we can reframe the dating game

If you have been single long enough, odds are someone will have asked you ‘why’ you are still single. This question has always irked me, because it implies that being in a relationship is the default, when actually it’s the opposite. We come into this world single and, one way or another, we leave this world alone, too. Not everyone wants a relationship, and during my eight years of being single, I hated being asked this question, but what I hated even more was when people would try to answer it for you. “Maybe you aren’t putting yourself out there enough?” “You will meet someone when you least expect it” “Maybe you’re too picky?”

So, whether you’re sick of hearing these same questions, or you want to understand why, even with the best intentions, they can be problematic, let’s unpick these common sentiments singles hear all too often:

“Maybe you aren’t putting yourself out there enough?”

The implication here is that if you are single, it is your own fault, and you aren’t working hard enough to rectify the problem that is ‘being single’. Just because you are single, doesn’t mean you have to be dating. You are allowed to just want to be single. And even if you are dating, it is undeniable that dating consumes a lot of time and energy, so it’s understandable if it’s not always the top of your priority list. There will be times when your work comes first, and there will be times when you come first. Being single is not a fault that needs fixing.

“You will meet someone when you least expect it”

First they blame you for not making enough effort, and then they blame you for making too much. After all, you don’t want to be desperate. Can you imagine if we said this about any other goal you wanted to achieve? Sending in your CV to a job you want would be seen as ‘desperate’. It makes no sense. This is a phrase often uttered by people in hindsight, but the truth is rarely close to it. There is no shame in actively pursuing a relationship.

“Maybe you are too picky?”

Well, if you are not desperate and you are putting yourself out there enough, then you must be too picky! You’d hope I would be picky! Think about how much time you spend with a person when you are in a relationship. Typically, it’s the person you spend the most time with. With our growing loss of community, we as a society now place more emphasis on our primary romantic relationship, so you better pick someone who you like being around. I am a big believer in the phrase ‘you become the five people you spend the most time with’ and so if a person is going to consume so much of your time and energy, damn right you need to pick wisely!

Ultimately, we need to reframe society’s view on what it means to be single. We need to stop seeing it as a sign of our unlovability, or that there is something wrong with us. You can actively choose to be single, and by do

Learn how to improve your emotional communication, and watch your relationships flourish

Lost in translation, mixed messages, crossed wires – how many metaphors for ‘miscommunication’ does one language need? A lot, apparently, as it seems that not ‘being on the same page’ as the people around us is far from a unique experience. Add in tricky emotions, uncomfortable truths, and matters we’d prefer to sidestep, and communicating how you really feel becomes quite a daunting mission.

Even so, getting it right is of the utmost importance. In fact, a study published by BMC Public Health in 2020 found that poor family support and communication can significantly increase the probability of emotional and behavioural problems in adolescents, and one American study by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers found that 67.5% of marriages that came to an end had some kind of communication problem.

With such high stakes, you’d think that we’d make mastering this skill our top priority – but, as is so often the case with these things, that’s a lot easier said than done.

“If the thought of sharing your feelings makes you want to run for the hills, then I can assure you you’re not alone,” counsellor Melanie Kirk says. “I work with many clients and couples where an inability to do this becomes a real block to effective, healthy communication.”

But why is it that we often find emotional exposure and vulnerability such a challenge? Melanie suggests three main reasons:

1. We fear the reaction we will get. Perhaps we have experienced someone responding negatively to us in the past when we have tried to be open about how we feel. Maybe it led to conflict, ridicule, misunderstanding, or disappointment.

2. We are not always clear, in our own mind, how we feel and what we need. Sometimes it can be a challenge to translate our thoughts and feelings into something tangible that can be communicated to someone else. It can be difficult to recognise, or name, what we are experiencing.

3. We may anticipate that our needs won’t be met or that we won’t be understood. Again, this could be based on experience, an internalised sense that we can’t be helped, or a belief that nothing would change.

Family relationships can be hard to navigate

We’ve all heard the story of the boy who never grew up. But do you know someone like that in real life?

Who wouldn’t love to be more carefree? To go back to a simpler time, when everyday responsibilities didn’t rule your day-to-day life, and you could live more in the moment.

Yet many of us know that, despite our love of nostalgia and occasional indulgences in activities we enjoyed in our younger years, we still have to face up to the emotional and financial challenges of adulthood. But… what if you didn’t? What if you just refused to take responsibility at work, in relationships, and in life?

Peter Pan syndrome

The term was coined in 1983 by Dr Dan Kiley in his book, Peter Pan Syndrome: Men Who Have Never Grown Up. While it’s not an officially recognised psychological disorder, Peter Pan syndrome refers to a type of behaviour that can affect anyone, of any gender or culture.

Someone exhibiting signs of Peter Pan syndrome may appear anxious when being evaluated by colleagues or managers, being unable to tolerate any form of criticism. They may have serious problems adapting at work, or in romantic or platonic relationships. Common signs within a relationship can include:

• Being unable to keep promises, stick to commitments, or take on responsibilities.
• Constantly changing partners (typically for someone younger) to avoid commitment.
• Refusal, reluctance, or inability to define relationships.
• Neglecting general life admin (basic household tasks), or relying on others to do things for them.
• Avoiding acknowledging, addressing, or fixing relationship issues.
• An unwillingness to make big decisions or plan ahead.

But Peter Pan syndrome can affect more than just personal relationships. For many at work, it can also include:

• Difficulty adapting or receiving criticism.
• Constantly being late, skipping work, putting in little effort, or making excuses for poor performance.
• Job hopping due to boredom, difficulty, stress, or lack of skills (and unwillingness to work towards improvement).
• A preference for low-commitment, part-time roles.
• Focusing on dreams without putting in time, effort, or realistic goals to meet them (e.g. going from couch potato to competitive athlete).

Other common behaviours can include difficulty with finances or unwise spending, an excessive interest in their looks or wellbeing, a general air of helplessness, a lack of accountability, fear of criticism, and expectation that others will do things for them. While these may all seem like clear warning signs from the outside, often, for those experiencing Peter Pan syndrome, they do not view their behaviour as problematic.

Why do people develop Peter Pan syndrome?

Views on this are a little divided. One avenue of thought is that, for some people, overly protective families may have unintentionally led to us failing to develop the skills needed to get by in life. This, in turn, results in us being ‘stuck’ in a state of adolescence, where we may feel unable or unwilling to step up and take on more responsibilities.

Other researchers believe that parenting styles which are too laid back can lead to the same lack of skill development, as well as causing us to focus on the purely fun aspects of l

Setting boundaries in any relationship can be tough. But how do we know when to set them, and is there a 'best way' to set boundaries with emotionally draining friends?

Sometimes, our relationships can become emotionally draining. Friendships, where we don’t experience mutual authenticity, attention, and reciprocity, can leave us feeling frustrated, mentally and emotionally drained, and, over time, can even affect our overall sense of wellbeing. Setting healthy boundaries isn’t just important in your romantic and family relationships. Clear boundaries can help create the foundations for long-lasting friendships that can grow and flourish over time.

If you find yourself feeling anxious, tired, or frustrated whenever you talk or spend time with a friend, it can be a sign that your friendship has become emotionally draining. If it feels like you’re spending all or most of your time talking about their issues, like you can’t be yourself or ask for support in return, or you're less excited to spend time with them, it could be a sign that new personal boundaries are needed to get things back on track.

What is a boundary in a friendship?

Boundaries are a simple and clear way of letting others know what you are and aren’t ok with. Setting healthy, effective boundaries can help you to look after yourself by protecting your personal space, as well as your mental health and wellbeing.

Creating boundaries within a friendship allows you both to set out what you want and expect from each other. This doesn’t mean that you have to say yes to every request (especially if any proposed boundaries make you uncomfortable!), but it can make it feel easier to speak up when you are feeling hurt, overwhelmed, offended, or taken for granted.

In this video, Life coach and author Michelle Elman explains more about the benefits of setting boundaries.

What are examples of setting healthy boundaries between friends?

Communication is key to both setting and maintaining healthy boundaries with any friend. What that actually looks like can vary depending on different friendships, and the individuals themselves. But what are some boundaries you might set up, and what could encourage you to take action?

• You’re feeling overwhelmed. Just dealing with our own lives can feel overwhelming. Family issues, work deadlines, financial worries - whatever the cause, you may feel like you’ve got enough to deal with, and don’t have the headspace to take on someone else’s problems right now. Prioritising your own needs is important - and a true friend will understand if you let them know that you’re dealing with too much to give them the time and/or attention they need right

When the time comes to be intimate again following childbirth, it can bring up complex feelings. Here’s how to work through them…

Birth is a powerful and incredible feat, and bringing a child into the world is arguably one of the most life-changing things a person will ever do. But childbirth takes its toll on the body, both physically and emotionally – not to mention the months of pregnancy beforehand, which stretch and push your body to, what feels like, its limits.

Once your little bundle of joy is safely home, you begin the journey of learning how to navigate your lives as a couple, while simultaneously doing your best to take care of your baby.

It may be the last thing on your mind for a while, but there may come a time when you’re ready to resume sex with your partner. For some, sex is an important part of growing and maintaining not only a physical connection with their partner, but also an emotional one.

Thinking about the actual event, however, can be daunting. If you’ve had a particularly traumatic birth, stitches or tears (or even if you haven’t), it’s normal to have some anxiety around sex after pregnancy and birth. Here are five simple and effective steps to help ease your worries.

1. Don’t push yourself

Although it’s best to wait until you’ve stopped bleeding before you start having sex again, after a straightforward birth it’s likely that your GP will ‘sign you off’ at your six-week check for physical activity – which includes sex. However, it’s important that you don’t view this as a ‘must-do’, unless you really feel ready.

Leah Hazard, midwife and author of Womb says: “It’s dangerous and unhelpful to think of the six-week check as a time when women get some kind of professional permission or validation to resume penetrative sex. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to intimacy: every body is different, and every timeline of recovery and readiness is different.”

2. Make time for intimacy

A baby makes you busy. So busy, in fact, that it’s all some of us can do to lie on the sofa mindlessly scrolling on our phones for an evening. But carving out a little time for intimacy – kisses, cuddles, holding hands – can help you feel much more connected with your partner, and allow you to remember the sweetness at the core of your relationship, outside of dirty nappies and feeding schedules.

Leah says: “Some people will feel emotionally and physically ready for intimate touch just a few days after birth, while others may not feel that way for many weeks or months. Both approaches are fine. It’s important to give your body and mind time to adjust, and it’s also helpful to remember that a nurturing physical relationship with your partner doesn’t have to involve penetration, or even genital contact.”

3. Ensure you’re completely ready

Vaginal dryness is a common cause of painful sex after giving birth, and it’s really key not to push yourself if you’re hurting. Even if you’re in the middle of what you thought might be your first time back between the sheets with your partner, you should press pause on things if you’re feeling uncomfortable or in pain. It’s important