Are you a people pleaser? If so, Psychotherapist Tasha Bailey (AKA Real Talk Therapist) has some words of wisdom, practical tools and alternatives that might help you live a more colourful life without resentment

“I describe people pleasing in two ways,” Psychotherapist Tasha Bailey explains on Happiful’s podcast I am. I have. “The first way is more general, it’s a tendency to put ourselves last and we put everyone else’s needs above our own. That might come from a place of wanting to be liked or a fear of rejection.

“The second definition is people pleasing as a trauma response,” she continues. “If we’ve grown up in a household where our needs were never met, or always at the bottom of the list, we’ll learn to do that to ourselves as if we don’t matter. We become caretakers. We might end up being in friendships or relationships where we look after other people’s feelings, or even in jobs where we do that, and forget to look after ourselves.”

These descriptions will resonate with so many readers who struggle with this trait. In many ways, as Tasha expands upon, people pleasing behaviours can be all too easy to adopt when trying to find or maintain our place in the world from an early age. However, that’s all the more reason to address them in adulthood.

“Niceness, being a hard worker and all giving, especially as a woman or a person of colour, is really glorified in society. So when you’re thinking about looking after your own needs, you can often go to a place of thinking ‘that’s selfish of me’, or go to a place of guilt but then you’re not being looked after.

“What will happen is that will tire us out emotionally and physically, so we have to work out how to look after a bit of both. Me first, yes, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to drop everything, it just means I’m going to be more considerate of how I put myself first here.”

If you find yourself saying ‘I can’t’ more than ‘I can’, getting clammy hands at the thought of a different direction in the workplace, or marvelling at the abilities of others around you while berating your own skills, it might be time to consider adjusting your mindset…

I’m sure I’m not the only person who, when faced with a completely new and seemingly daunting direction at work or in my personal life, feels cold fear flood through my veins. In recent months, I’ve encountered this sensation many times, as I’ve started to produce videos for Happiful – something I have very little previous experience of. As a result, my imposter syndrome, fear of failure, and discomfort, has been at an all-time high as I’ve waded through editing tutorials, tried to understand YouTube algorithms, and repeatedly faced my own image on the screen (not an easy task with a pesky inner critic ever-present on my shoulder).

“What an amazing opportunity to learn another skill!” my friend Becky says, smiling, when I tell her what I’m up to over coffee. Her response is positive, immediate, and in no way trying to mollify me, as I haven’t yet uttered the words: “It’s just so out of my comfort zone.”

I’m pleasantly taken aback and curious about the difference in our viewpoints. While trying to work on my own misgivings, I come to understand that Becky’s response (and her demeanour in general) is indicative of someone with a ‘growth mindset’, and I believe that I’m predisposed to wandering over to the ‘fixed mindset’ side of the street a bit more regularly than I’d like. So what can I do to change that, and is it even possible to?

Transformative coach Ali McNab believes that the transition from fixed to growth is indeed possible, and it all begins with an understanding of what those phrases really mean, and how they play out for us.

“This terminology was derived from the works of American psychologist Carol Dweck, who has written many books on the subject, having studied human development and personality,” Ali explains. “The theory looks at the way we believe in, or perceive, our intelligence and abilities, and the impact this has on our behaviours, and how we respond to challenges and opportunities to learn.”

Ali says that having a fixed mindset, in particular, can hold us back from evolving and expanding our skills. “With a fixed mindset we believe that our intelligence and abilities are static; we have a set amount and that’s it. We think our successes are due to a natural ability, and it can’t be grown or changed. We believe that we can either do something, or we can’t do something, and nothing can change that.”

A fear of failure, and avoidance of challenges that are outside our comfort zone, can come hand in hand with a fixed mindset, due to the fact that we might be scared of making mistakes or looking stupid. People operating from a fixed mindset may also give up more easily, see effort as pointless, and shy away from feedback.

Settle down with these thought-prompting films

Films have the ability to change our lives. With stories that open up other experiences to us, and characters who navigate the forces that we also face in our own lives, the right film at the right time can be transformative.

Here, we’re rounding up six films that will change your life for the better. From surreal moments that invite us to take a step back to reflect on the world around us, to intimate character studies that can teach us about the choices that we make, open your mind with these options.

1. Everything Everywhere All at Once (2022)

Since its release, reviewers can’t stop talking about Everything Everywhere All at Once, and for good reason. When an interdimensional rupture unravels reality, Evelyn must fight bizarre threats from the multiverse. What might appear at first glance to be a larger-than-life surreal, action-packed thrill-ride, has some incredibly potent messages about family, love, and the lives we choose to live. You’ll laugh and cry in equal measure, and it might even prompt you to reflect on what truly matters in your own life.

2. Amélie (2001)

For anyone who has ever felt stuck on the sidelines, like you don’t quite fit in, and for the introverts quietly going about their lives, this film will make you feel seen like never before. Watch as Amélie makes the decision to fix other people’s lives – but her endeavour leads her to discover much more…

3. The Kings of Summer (2013)

There’s something truly special about coming-of-age films done right, and The Kings of Summer is exactly that. Three teenage boys decide to leave their dysfunctional families behind and live an isolated life in the woods. With plenty of laughs, and a careful look at the relationships we have with our families, this film is the perfect prompt for reflection on the things we’re all running from.

4. Swiss Army Man (2016)

A film like nothing else you’ve seen, with career-topping performances from Daniel Radcliffe and Paul Dano, Swiss Army Man follows Hank, as he's stranded on an island. He notices a body, which slowly starts to come to life as the two embark on a fantastical adventure. It’s surreal, moving, and sometimes uncomfortable, and it will have you questioning the reality each of us live in.

Content warning: This film contains references to suicide that some viewers may find distressing.

Learning is how we add dimension to our lives, acquiring skills and knowledge, in whatever way we chose to do it. When we learn something new, we may come away feeling accomplished, but the true test of our knowledge is how we then implement it

The key to effective learning is not necessarily about how quickly you digest the information, whether that's through reading, experience, study, or being taught, but how well you retain it, recall it, and utilise it. We’ve all heard of the phrase “every day’s a school day” and this couldn’t be more true in today’s society where digital technologies are changing in the blink of an eye and new opportunities are coming up like never before.

More and more, we’re seeing an increase in the importance of ‘upskilling’. This is when we learn additional skills to allow us to better progress, usually in the workplace. Upskilling is also important for our own personal development, as being able to continually learn and develop your skills is a surefire way to help you achieve your goals.

So, how can we really learn?

Effective learning is pretty much like ‘learning to learn’. In order to capture and process the information in a way we’ll remember in the future, we need to come up with ways of digesting what we’re taught in the first place. Often discussed in the context of schools, “effective learning” is defined as children actively participating in their own learning. Rather than copying what a teacher tells them, research suggests that pupils are more likely to learn better by talking, writing, and reflecting on their newly acquired knowledge.

These same principles can be applied to young people and adults looking to learn more effectively. There are many ways you can become a more effective learner – here are just a few:

1. Ask questions

We can’t be expected to learn if we’re unsure of the context in which we are being taught. Ask questions to understand what you are learning, and more importantly, why you are learning it. Consider applying it to your everyday life so you have something to relate it to and it will quickly become easy to remember.

2. Vary your learning style

Learning in different ways can be a really valuable way to consolidate information. For example, if you like audible learning (such as listening to a podcast), try creating a visual aid to sit alongside it. You could even try teaching it back to a friend or family member! Being able to repeat the information in a variety of ways will help in retaining it long-term.

3. Don’t multitask

Multitasking involves trying to do several things at one time. This can be disruptive, halt productivity and reduce concentration, making it harder to focus and meaning you are less likely to understand the information. Instead, try to focus all your attention on one task at a time. If this seems overwhelming, try the ‘distributed practice’ technique. This involves studying for short periods of time, for example, 50 minutes, and the

Mondays can be hard, so refocus your energy with these uplifting affirmations

Mondays can be a drag. And when you’ve got an overwhelming, never-ending to-do list in front of you, the stresses of the week ahead are creeping up, and the thought of putting one foot in front of the other feels too much, it’s easy to be filled with Monday morning dread.

While we can’t actually take away the source of the dread – as much as we might want to – there are some tried and tested techniques for building up resilience, and affirmations top the list.

Affirmations are short, simple phrases that we can repeat to ourselves to ground us in the moment, and to remind ourselves of the strength we have inside. They can also prompt us to refocus our attention on the reality that we face, and are a helpful reminder of the ability that we each have to take some control back over our mindset.

These affirmations are designed to help build a sense of calm and reassurance, so that you can go on to face the day, and the week ahead, with confidence and resilience. Repeat them to yourself first thing in the morning, or whenever you need an extra boost. Each week brings new challenges our way, but by dedicating just a small amount of time to this simple practice, you could uncover the key to staying balanced.

1. Today is a new day.

2. I am committed to my personal growth.

3. I am capable of tackling any obstacle.

4. My thoughts do not control me, I control my thoughts.

5. I am worthy of investing in myself.

6. My feelings deserve to be recognised.

7. I am the architect of my own life.

8. I give myself permission to follow my dreams.

9. I can deal with the hurdles that come my way.

10. I am safe.

11. I know what I am doing.

12. I deserve respect.

13. I recognise my achievements.

14. My feelings are valid and I Iisten to them.

15. I do not need to prove myself to anyone.

16. I live in line with my values.

17. I will take time to find joy in my day.

18. I am calm.

19. I will make time for myself when I need it.

20. I will achieve my goals.

Need extra support? You might benefit from working with a life coach. Find out more, and connect with a professional using lifecoach-directory.org.uk