How do you spot the signs of emotional abuse? Is it really as bad as other kinds of abuse? We answer your top questions about emotional abuse and explain where you can find help

Abuse can come in many forms, affecting people of all ages and genders, from different walks of life. It’s estimated around one in 15 children in the UK have experienced emotional abuse, while one in 11 adults is thought to have experienced emotional abuse before the age of 16. Official figures estimate 4.5% of adults under the age of 60 have experienced partner abuse in some form in the past year. Some reports estimate that more than a third of women in the UK have experienced psychological abuse - and nearly a third (28%) don’t trust the legal system to help them.

Emotional abuse is one of the most difficult types of abuse to identify. Often taking place alongside other forms of abuse (physical abuse, sexual abuse, child abuse, domestic violence), emotional abuse can be hard to define and easy to miss if you aren’t the one living through it. Victims of emotional abuse may downplay their experiences, or over time, come to think that it is normal.

Abuse is always wrong. No matter what the relationship is or how long things have been going on, no one should have to accept abuse as part of their lives.

We explain more about emotional abuse, common abusive behaviours and signs to keep an eye out for, and how to find help if you or someone you love is experiencing abuse.

What is emotional abuse?

Also known as psychological abuse, emotional abuse includes a wide range of behaviours and actions. When someone tries to control you by using emotions to blame, embarrass, criticise, shame, guilt or manipulate you in some way, that’s a type of abuse. Over time, this can become a pattern of words and/or behaviours which can affect how you feel about yourself, your self-worth, and your overall sense of wellbeing.

Counselling Directory member Leigh Taylor explains more about emotional abuse and finding help through counselling.

Is emotional abuse domestic violence?

Domestic violence, also known as domestic abuse, can include lots of different kinds of behaviours and types of abuse including emotional and/or psychological abuse. Often, people experience many types of abusive behaviours as part of domestic violence, including:

• coercive control (when someone uses intimidation, degradation, isolation, or control through using or threatening physical or sexual violence)
• physical abuse (intentionally harming someone physically, such as through slapping, punching, withhol

What can the imperfections found in nature teach us about our own lives?

On the expansive grounds of Blenheim Palace, Oxfordshire, there stands a very unusual tree. The cedar was first planted when Capability Brown re-modelled the landscaped gardens between 1763 and 1774, and it’s still there today, overlooking the lakes and the palace beyond.

The tree attracts a lot of attention because it appears to be a fluke of nature. It’s held up by cables attached to nearby trees, its branches crooked and serpentine, and the 20ft diameter trunk is almost entirely hollow. It’s odd, and imperfect, yet visitors flock to it, season after season, because there’s something beautiful about it.

The Japanese have a phrase for the feeling this evokes: wabi-sabi. A world-view that learns from the imperfect beauty of nature, appreciates the passage of time, and accepts all things in their incomplete and impermanent forms.

Wabi-sabi has its origins in Taoism, between 960–1279, and then was adopted by Zen Buddhism. ‘Wabi’ roughly translates to ‘the elegant beauty of humble simplicity’, and ‘sabi’ means ‘the passing of time and subsequent deterioration’. Explained this way, there’s an undeniably melancholic feeling at the heart of wabi-sabi, just like the hollow tree at Blenheim, but the acceptance and appreciation of transience and imperfection can be empowering, especially in 2022.

“Perfection is an unattainable goal, and its pursuit can lead to feelings of inferiority and shame as we effectively never ‘measure up’,” says life coach Louise Bradshaw. “The stress caused by not achieving perfection, or pushing ourselves to our absolute limits, can lead to burnout, low self-esteem, depression, and anxiety.”

We see this kind of thing presented to us constantly, on TV, social media, and in adverts trying to convince us that we can buy our way to a perfect life. But, for many, the pursuit of perfection starts much earlier.

“The roots of perfectionism can be traced back to childhood – beliefs about ourselves and our worth are developed in those formative years,” Louise explains. “If the message that we receive is that we are ‘less than’ in some way, then we may well develop perfectionism as a means to prove our worth. Equally, if we experience unrealistic expectations growing up, or are subjected to excessive praise, we may feel the need to achieve perfection in order to maintain these conditions.”

These days, many of us are trying our best to be conscious about our impact on the Earth – one key part of that being to reuse and recycle things, to repair what has become worn or broken before swapping it for a newer model. When it comes to nature, we can observe how things weather over time, how living things grow, bloom, and wilt, how they respond to sustenance, and how each example is entirely unique. So, if we can be so forgiving and accepting of the world around us, isn’t it about time we did the same for ourselves?

“In order to unlearn perfectionism, we must first understand the feeling or core belief about ourselves that we are trying to avoid,” Louise says. &#x

This kind of content is rife on social media, but what’s the impact?

If you’ve ever taken a peek into the world of online fitness content, you’ve almost certainly come across ‘before and after’ body transformation pictures and videos. They could be there to sell you a fitness program, a diet supplement, or simply be a record of someone’s experience. But, despite their commonality, a new study from ASICS has uncovered the impact that this kind of content is having on our mental health.

In their survey, 48% of respondents reported feeling insecure about their bodies after seeing exercise transformation pictures. A staggering 82% of women surveyed (and 73% of Brits overall) believe that society’s obsession with the perfect body is damaging our mental health, and 80% say that they go on to feel unmotivated to exercise after seeing transformation imagery – a sentiment that is at odds with the ‘inspirational’ tone this content often adopts.

Supported by a host of celebrities, including Dr Alex George, Jada Sezer, and Motsi Mabuse, ASICS has launched a campaign to disrupt the ‘before and after’ format, and shift the focus to the ways that exercise can transform our mental health.

Following a roundtable discussion, in a series of images, the celebrities are pictured before and after doing 15 minutes and nine seconds of exercise – the length of time it takes to feel the benefit of exercise on our minds. Predictably, there is no dramatic transformation in their bodies, with the goal of the series to illustrate the ‘hidden’ benefits of an active lifestyle.

“I have been on a real journey with exercise and the reasons why I do it. When I was younger, I really used exercise as a weapon, to try and look thin, to look a certain way,” says Dr Alex George. “When I went on Love Island a few years later, I was over-training, and it wasn’t good for my mental health. Now, I’ve changed the way I view exercise and it’s really helped my mental health. I move for my mind, rather than to look a certain way.”

In a move taken following the research, ASICS EMEA has committed to not posting exercise transformation images on its social media channels, with the support of the ASICS Front Runner community, who will only share images that reflect the powerful mental and emotional impact of exercise.

Hayley Jarvis, head of physical activity at the charity Mind, echoes the importance of adopting a new approach to exercise: “Mind is a firm believer in the power of movement, however small, to support better mental health,” she says.

“Our aim is to support more people to get active to help them to thrive. Our own research shows that many people are put off exercising because they feel self-conscious. The more we can do to remove the barriers to people enjoying the benefits of exercise, the better.”

Is envy over a partner’s past clouding a happy future?

According to onlinedoctor.com, in the UK, the average person has seven sexual partners across a lifetime but, whatever your own experience, it’s fair to say that most people will go into a new relationship bringing their own history. So, what happens when the past gets in the way of present happiness?

“Retroactive jealousy is the jealousy of the past, and a series of uncertainties related to the partner’s previous love affairs,” psychologist Barbara Ocello explains. “It manifests in disproportionate jealousy for the partner’s romantic past, often becoming a cause of conflict, hindering the grounds for harmony within the couple.”

As Barbara explains, retroactive jealousy can lead to obsessive, intrusive, and negative thoughts that can encroach on an otherwise happy and healthy relationship, and this risks bringing with it anxiety, anger, and sadness. So, what steps can you take to address these feelings?

1. Become aware of what you experience

Putting a name to a feeling can really help us start to feel more in control of it, and also allows us to connect with other, similar experiences.

“Sometimes, you can become so overwhelmed by the flow of events that you cannot understand what is really happening,” Barbara explains. “Think about what you are experiencing, name the feelings you have, and think about the images that come to mind. It may be helpful to write down what is happening, to ‘let out’ the anger and become aware of it.”

When you’re in the throes of retrospective jealousy, the feelings of distress are very real, but trying to take a step back to name and examine it is a gateway to giving yourself permission to move forward.

2. Stay in the present

“A useful strategy to deal with such jealousy is to rationalise feelings and thoughts,” Barbara says. “One way to do this is to think back to your past rather than your partner’s. Look back over your experiences, both good and bad. Think about the times when you felt loved or have loved. Also, reflect on what you were like in your past relationships. If it doesn’t take anything away from how you feel in your current relationship, why shouldn’t it be the same for your partner?”

When we’re missing info, it can be easy to fill in the gaps with things that aren’t necessarily grounded in facts. If this is something you find yourself doing, take a moment to pause and consider where reality ends and intrusive thoughts take over.

For example, Barbara recommends keeping in mind that if your partner ended the relationship with their ex, there must have been problems, and that they have now chosen to stay with you, to build a life together.

3. Try to avoid controlling behaviours

The point at which retrospective jealousy can become a more serious problem is if you begin to act on unfounded feelings. You might then breach trust in the relationship, or be constantly on the lookout for new information about your partner’s past, which will only spur on your fears.

“Stop investigating the past by looking for info on social networks, or asking family and friends about previous relationships,” Barbara says. “These are self-destructive behaviours. Don’t nag your

Marisa Peer, world-renowned therapist and founder of Rapid Transformational Therapy® joins Happiful’s podcast to share what you can do to make positive changes in your life, starting today

Marisa Peer has worked with thousands of people throughout her prestigious career and she credits them all for the lessons they’ve taught her along the way. These lessons, she shares, enabled her to create an incredible approach now practised across the world - Rapid Transformational Therapy®. RTT combines elements from a number of different approaches to create a kind of therapy that offers quick results and immediate support.

There is one common challenge that comes up time and again for people she works with and that is the feeling that they are not ‘enough’. This, Marisa believes, is a universal concern.

“But it's not true,” she asserts. “It's a belief. But of course, you make your beliefs and then your beliefs turn around and make you, and then you have something called confirmation bias, which means you are looking for proof of what you have chosen to believe.”

In conversation with Happiful, Marisa shares great insights around the importance of reframing our thoughts, telling ourselves a 'better lie' and the importance of connection and rejection when it comes to our sense of self.

Marisa’s advice

• Pay attention to how you talk to yourself and upgrade it.  Be nice, become your own best friend
• Remember there's nothing that will build your self-esteem like praise.
• Say these four little phrases to yourself, every day.  
  I'm enough. I'm lovable, I matter and I'm significant.

A full interview with Marisa Peer will be in Issue 69 of Happiful, available from early December.
Find out more about Marisa, her books and teachings.

Find a Rapid Transformational Therapy® (RTT) practitioner today