Are you alone or lonely? There’s a big difference, and the latter can really affect your mental wellbeing. But finding the cause of your loneliness could be the start of your journey to overcoming it

While many people love grabbing some ‘alone time’, others may have had more than enough – research from the Mental Health Foundation reveals that nearly 30% of us feel lonely some or all of the time. That figure jumps to 70% for people who’ve felt lonely at any point in the last month.

Feeling lonely now and again is a normal part of life, but if those feelings continue, loneliness can negatively impact our mental health. So, what’s causing us to feel lonely, and how can we tackle the issue to help everyone feel more connected?

Alone or lonely?

Although they sound similar, there’s a big difference between being alone and feeling lonely. “Being alone means you can be in your own space with no one around you and feel perfectly happy. But when you’re lonely, you feel the absence of other people,” says counsellor Jenny Warwick. “As a result, loneliness makes you feel isolated and unhappy.”

You can also feel lonely in a big group of people. Jenny says: “You might feel as though no one ‘gets’ you, or feel isolated because of an experience you’re going through, such as bereavement, that no one else there has experienced.” And while we often choose to be alone, none of us choose to be lonely.

That’s because loneliness makes us feel sad, and as if there’s a gap between us and other people. This could be a physical gap – if you live somewhere remote, for example – or an emotional gap; a lack of connection with others.

Feeling lonely can also trigger emotions we might not traditionally associate with loneliness. “You can be quite hard on yourself, asking “Have I done something wrong?”, or “What’s wrong with me?”’ says Jenny.

Loneliness often leads to comparing yourself to others, especially on social media. This is more than FOMO when looking at photos of parties or someone’s holiday, but feeling like you don’t deserve those things. This can turn into a vicious cycle of feeling lonely, rejected, withdrawing, and feeling lonelier as a result.

What causes loneliness?

The most obvious cause in recent times has been the Covid-19 pandemic – lockdowns, social distancing, travel restrictions, plus the on-going stress and feelings of isolation, to name a few. The pandemic also brought some people’s emotions sharply into focus.

Jenny says: “You might’ve thought you were OK being on your own, but the past few years made you realise you were covering up feelings of loneliness by keeping busy. Being forced to spend so much time alone has made many people recognise the fact they were lonely all along.”

Social media can be a big contributor to loneliness, and not just because it feels like everyone is having fun without us. Dr Dean Burnett, neuroscientist and author of The Happy Brain (£12.99, Guardian Faber Publishing), says that although the

Could being there for one another, as shoulders to lean on in tough times, be the secret to improving our mental wellbeing?

Do you know the one thing you’ll never regret? Being kind.

When times are tough, and we’re all being tested in just about every way imaginable, we can never underestimate the impact of a thoughtful gesture.

A simple, selfless act could mean more than you’ll ever know. In fact, studies have even shown that goodwill has a ripple effect, lending credence to the saying ‘No good deed is ever wasted,’ and reminding us of the power we all have to make the world a better place.

This is exemplified in the nature of community spirit – the idea of pulling together, and strength in numbers.

The stories shared in our feature on p25 of issue 68 demonstrate the huge difference you can make by looking out for each other. Be there for someone on your good days, and you’ll find a shoulder to lean on during your bad ones, too.

With this in mind, our article on how to be a great advocate on p19 is a must-read, revealing exactly what your mental health rights are, so you can stand up for yourself and others.

Plus, on p71 we share how to bridge the divide of miscommunication to help us all get on the same page, and on p55 we discover why letting go of grudges and relinquishing resentments could be key to finding freedom and peace for you.

Additionally, in this print edition you'll find:

• Engaging features including 44 good news stories to make you smile, how to make the festivities more meaningful, and Kelsey Parker opening up about grief and giving back.

• Life-changing hacks on recognising the five 'fs' of stress, steps to heal from narcissistic abuse, and dealing with anxiety around post-birth sex.

• Expert insight on a variety of topics including what to do when you're having an 'off day', breaking the taboo on bowel habits, and what to do if you're feeling financially trapped.

At Happiful, we’re calling this the season of self-care, and one of the best ways to feel good about yourself is by helping others.

So, extend a kind thought, share a smile, lend a hand, a shoulder to cry on, words of advice, rallying calls of encouragement and, above all, just be there for one another.

As Winnie-the-Pooh once said, “Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart.”

Remember, a little kindness goes a long way.

Rebecca Thair
Editor

Happiful's mission
Our company was built on the belief that everyone should have access to mental health support.

Do you find it hard to express how you feel? Sometimes, when we’re frustrated or angry, we might express our feelings indirectly rather than being up-front. But when we aren't open about our feelings, it can create confusion and negatively impact our relationships

Passive-aggressive behaviour can ‘feel normal’ to us - especially if it’s how we’ve grown up seeing others around us deal with relationship issues. Whether done verbally or nonverbally, someone may be passive-aggressive as a way to avoid outright hurting someone else’s feelings, or as a way to show displeasure or disagreement without outright stating it.

It’s a more common way of dealing with things than you might think. But what are the signs we can look out for to recognise (and stop) being passive-aggressive in our romantic relationships? Why are we passive-aggressive in the first place? And is it really a bad thing?

What is passive-aggressive behaviour (and why do we do it?)

Also referred to as non-verbal aggression, when we talk about passive-aggressive behaviour, it refers to when you feel angry or upset with someone, but feel like you can’t or don’t want to tell them.

There are many different reasons why someone might be passive-aggressive. They might have low self-esteem, feel insecure, or be afraid of losing control. Other common reasons can also be as a way of coping with feelings of stress, anxiety, or depression. It can also be a way to try and deal with rejection or conflict, because of feelings of under-appreciation, or because they are worried that any natural feelings of anger aren’t the ‘right’ response, and so trying to sugarcoat things feels like a better option.

Counsellor Andrea Harrn explains more about passive-aggressive behaviour and how it can be a problem in our relationships.

Why is passive-aggressive behaviour bad?

We almost all exhibit signs of passive aggression from time to time. But when it becomes a pattern of behaviour or a habit within our relationships (whether that’s romantic, platonic, or with work colleagues), it can become frustrating or upsetting for the other person involved. And for the person exhibiting this behaviour, their inability to say what is wrong and express themselves clearly can often worsen the issue.

Ultimately, passive aggression can be seen as destructive behaviour. It can prevent change and growth, leading to more negative behaviours, the breakdown of trust, and further relationship problems. Frequent passive-aggressive responses can be a sign of communication issues within your relationship, and if left to become a pattern over time, can damage your relationship.

Read more