How the picture society paints of a ‘fairytale ending’ could be preventing women from finding their freedom

In 1981, Colette Dowling wrote The Cinderella Complex: Women’s Hidden Fear of Independence, a book which explored the whys and ways a woman might fear going at it alone, and have an innate desire to be ‘rescued’ by a man. In an accompanying article published in The New York Times the same year, she explored how her divorce, and the struggles she had with independence following it, became the inspiration for the book, and wrote: “I came to the conclusion that psychological dependence – the conscious or unconscious wish to escape responsibility – was the unidentified element in the conflict many women are experiencing today. It leads to a condition I call the ‘Cinderella Complex’.”

As Colette Dowling saw it, the consequences of women being raised to be dependent on a man can lead to self-sabotaging behaviours, particularly those linked to success and happiness. You might put off personal goals and targets in order to maintain stability, or you might quickly jump from one relationship to the next to feel safe.

Now, it’s fair to say that attitudes have moved on in the past 40 years, and generations of women have since grown up in a different world. But still, elements of this patriarchal structure do exist, and conversations around dependency and independence in relationships are still of the utmost importance.

When asked where the feelings and behaviours described by Colette Dowling might have come from, counsellor Amy Preston first makes the point that the need to rely on other is a fundamental part of being a human being.

“In the context of the so-called ‘Cinderella Complex’, the expectation of having all our needs met by another person might evolve in a childhood where caregivers were overprotective and met financial needs, while leaving emotional ones unmet,” Amy explains. “If you were wrapped up in cotton wool, yet found it difficult to connect and feel validated by your caregivers, you may not have received the message that you are worthy, capable, and important. As an adult, you may have internalised the message that, not only is an appropriate level of independence unfamiliar and frightening, you are fundamentally incapable of achieving it.”

Amy goes on to explain how we live in a fairytale culture, where it’s very normal to talk about your partner as being your ‘everything’ or the one who ‘completes’ you. “We expect our partner to fill a number of different roles: to make us happy, to complete us, to save us from our past, and to rescue us from uncomfortable emotions. On a subconscious level, this cements the belief that we cannot be happy unless we have a partner to take away all of our pain.”

These beliefs come with baggage. They pile pressure on our relationships, restricting our ability to grow inside and outside of the relationship, and also, as Amy points out, can lead us to overlook potential ‘red flags’ in order to maintain the fairytale.

All that said, in 2022, the concept of a ‘Cinderella Complex’ isn’t totally comfortable. The same systems can cause men to over-rely on partners, yet they escape comparable labels. And while there is certainly space to break down

The feeling that we’re putting on a different face or adopting a slightly different persona is something many of us have experienced. But for some, social masking is a way of life, and seems like the only way they feel they can fit in

We’ve all done it. That moment at work where a question arises and we just aren’t quite sure how to respond, or a friend makes a comment we think is a joke but aren’t 100% certain. We surreptitiously check to see how everyone else reacts first lest we choose the wrong thing to say. In many ways, we all practise a bit of social masking to help us avoid social faux pas. However, some of us rely on it much more than others.

Social masking, also known as social camouflaging, is thought to be one of several potential reasons as to why autistic women and girls often receive a diagnosis later in life.

In early 2018, a TV documentary revealed that more than half of undiagnosed autistic adults could be women – a figure that shocked researchers and experts alike. Of the 750,000 participants, more than 11% met the criteria pointing towards a diagnosis, with an unprecedented 52% of them being women.

With previous studies indicating that the ratio of male to female autistic individuals stood at anywhere between 2:1 to 16:1, experts put forward a range of theories to explain why these results suggested women may be under-diagnosed. The conscious and subconscious use of social masking is one of several popular explanations.

Psychiatrist Dr Louis Kraus specialises in autism. He suggests that, while the indicators of autism can be less obvious in women, many learn to mimic the behaviour of others around them, helping them to mask their difficulties in understanding social norms and cues.

Experts think girls and women may do this more often, as they want to socialise, be part of the group, and make friends, which can lead to them attempting to mimic the behaviour of their peers.

Autistic girls may also be more likely to recognise the signs of social expectations, even if they don’t fully understand or are unable to meet them. This can include mimicking facial expressions, memorising acceptable topics of conversation, and adopting physical behaviours observed in others, such as maintaining eye contact during a conversation.

While social masking may seem like a positive way to learn social cues through practise, many mimic these interactions, rather than fully understanding them. This form of social camouflaging, while helping individuals to blend in, can also delay diagnosis and support.

Many who practise social masking report still feeling disconnected or overlooked in social situations. To an outsider, they may appear to bounce between activities, conversations or groups, as they struggle to connect or have trouble recognising typically expected responses and behaviours. To combat this, many will create a “social script” of conversational phrases that can be reused when required, or copy social behaviour from friends and sometimes even TV shows.

Can it increase anxiety?

Those who regularly use social

We typically associate ‘bullying’ with childhood. But, unfortunately, this insidious behaviour can be found in adult life as well. It’s time to call it out, and explore ways to challenge it

There are very few people in the world who haven’t experienced bullying at some point in their lives.

Adult bullying is often subtle, may be difficult to detect, carried out under the radar, and can make you question yourself. This can be discrimination, micro aggressions at work or in a relationship, racism, homophobia, or anything that makes an individual feel unsafe or excluded.

How bullying impacts a person

Targets of bullies often report a significant impact to their mental, emotional, and physical health, and ability to engage socially.

On an emotional level, the impact could include:

• Low mood
• Tearfulness
• Anxiety attacks
• Panic attacks
• Depression
• Reduction in self-esteem and confidence
• Long-term impacts include agoraphobia, and more

The physical symptoms of bullying include:

• Becoming hyper vigilant to threats of danger
• Palpitations
• Nausea
• Stress
• Sleep disturbance
• Appetite increase or suppression
• Irritable bowel syndrome (IBS)

As a psychotherapist and coach, I’ve frequently seen clients present with trauma and PTSD as a result of prolonged exposure to stress and fear.

Trauma can be caused by any significant or negative repeated event throughout a person’s life, and is often as a result of feeling helplessness and powerlessness in a situation. This could be direct trauma (such as experiencing a life-threatening situation, witnessing death, being attacked or abused), or indirect trauma (witnessing someone else being threatened with harm, or injured, or killed, either in-person or on the news, or in a film). Such situations activate the body’s autonomic nervous system, which prepares us for fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses. This is absolutely natural; we are programmed to respond like this. We are incredibly resilient human beings, and a trauma response is proof that our minds and bodies are working as they were made to.

These natural responses become problematic when the biofeedback system is activated by other threats, or by rumination over what happened. The brain doesn’t know fact from a remembered memory, and so behaves as if the incident is happening again.

Where does adult bullying occur?

Everywhere there are people, is the short answer. At work, we experience gossiping, rumour mills, micro aggressions with racism, sexual harassment, being overlooked for promotion, or intentionally excluded – the list is endless.

At home, there could be an overbearing spouse with demands, criticisms, or verbal or physical violence – please note, help is available if you are in this situation. Then there are family members who lie and cause fights, then sit back with the popcorn.

You might find yourself in public being heckled by strang