Whatever your version of success is, chances are self-esteem can help you get there

A lot of us have been inspired by the Lionesses recent brilliant victory, perhaps because it reminds us just how truly capable we are, even when faced with assumptions and obstacles. It’s also encouraged a lot of us to think about success - what does it mean to us, and how can we get there?

Defining your own version of success is an important first step. Society likes to bombard us with messages on what success looks like, but following your own dreams will help you not only find success but fulfilment, too.

And when it comes to getting there, I believe self-esteem plays a pivotal role. That and perhaps a helping of determination. Success for me has always been centred around doing what I love – writing. After studying writing at university, I fell into the world of retail and it took me many years to finally find the job I’m in today, where I get to write every day.

It wasn’t an easy journey, but building my self-esteem (and resilience) along the way opened a lot of doors. Here’s what self-esteem can do for you as you seek your success.

1. It reminds you of your value

You may well get knocked back a few times as you strive for what you want in life. When we have a healthy sense of self-esteem, we know our inherent value and worth. This means, that no matter how many times people knock us down, we know we have something of value to offer and we keep going.

This value we hold is like a rock within us. It’s always there but sometimes dirt can pile up around it, hiding it from view. Working on your self-esteem and self-worth can help you clear the dirt and find a sense of steadiness. Whether you find success in the way you thought you would, or you find something completely different, knowing your value means fulfilling your potential.

2. It opens you up to more opportunities

Self-esteem is the foundation of confidence. When we value ourselves and what we have to bring to the world, we feel more confident about going after it. This may mean we’re more likely to take risks, explore opportunities presented to us and say ‘yes’ out of excitement instead of saying ‘no’ out of fear.

Here’s a quick mindset shift to try:

When an opportunity is presented to you that you feel nervous about (perhaps a public speaking gig, for example), ask yourself ‘what can I gain from this?’. This can take our minds out of risk-seeking and shift it into opportunity-seeking, helping us make a more informed decision.

3. It helps you to reveal your strengths

Hands up who was told off for ‘showing off’ as a child? Being boastful has long had negative connotations for many of us, but sometimes seeing it as a bad thing stops us from progressing. Perhaps at work, you tend to let others have the spotlight to be seen as ‘nice’ or ‘humble’, or avoid highlighting your skills to avoid being seen as a ‘show-off’.

The truth is, by hiding your strengths, you’re also hiding yourself from potential success. Building your self-esteem can help you identify and lean into your strengths, revealing them and exploring what unfolds. Not sure what your strengths are? Take a look at this free Read more

With all the advances in the world, one thing that remains a constant battle is the fight to live as our authentic selves. Here, columnist Bhavna shares the terrible reality for many members of the LGBTQIA+ community, and implores us to stand with them to fight for everyone’s right to love, with pride

Love is love. Loving and being loved are the most basic of needs in any organism. Poets tell us that to love is the goal of human existence, and to be loved is the greatest treasure of the heart. And yet, for some like me, who are part of the global LGBTQIA+ community, loving whom we choose could be a death sentence.

Despite advances in LGBTQIA+ rights through Stonewall’s first riot to the Pride marches across the globe, loving someone of the same sex can mean death in many parts of the world. Only in June, during our Queen’s Jubilee, the representative of Her Majesty in Indonesia was called to account over why there was a Pride flag flying at the British Embassy. This is timely proof that there are still many countries around the world where there is a price to pay for love.

We hear of young couples being reported to authorities, sometimes by their own families, because they are gay and love each other. Why?

We hear of two young women in India, in their early 20s, hounded by their families because they have chosen to be in a loving relationship, and abducted by their families to force them apart, having to go to court to fight for their right to be together. Why?

We hear of corrective rapes in South Africa, and other parts of the world, to ‘teach’ LGBTQIA+ people a lesson. Why?

We hear of trans siblings of the LGBTQIA+ family being harassed and murdered, transwomen being assaulted and murdered, because they found the courage to be who they are.

We hear of high rates of suicides in the LGBTQIA+ community, because of the stigma of being gay. Why?

We hear of people choosing to enter heterosexual marriage and betray themselves to keep family happy, and take the target off their backs. This raises many other questions. We can’t hide what we feel – I know, I was in the closet for 32 years of my life until it became unbearable to live the lie, and I had to come out before it killed me. I will never get those three decades of my life back.

One of the excuses I read and hear repeatedly about why being LGBTQIA+ could be a death sentence for some is that it is against ‘their’ religion. Yet, despite my study of religious literature over decades, the main lesson I’ve taken from all religions has been love, forbearance, and peace. The final commandment of Jesus was to ‘Love one another as I have loved you.’

The Office for National Statistics found that 1.9 million people in the UK (3.1% of the population) identify as LGB, whereas those identifying as trans number 1%, according to Stonewall.

The National LGBT Survey carried out in 2017 found that LGBT respondents are less satisfied with life compared with the general UK population. Furthermore, more than 66% stated concern about holding hands in public for fear of reprisals. The report stated that at least two in five people had experienced verbal haras

Breakups are rarely easy. But what if moving on after a relationship isn’t as easy for you as it is for others?

Ending a relationship can be… tough. Perhaps you’ve drifted apart and things have ended amicably; maybe communication had broken down, or your emotional connection has faded over time. Infidelity, money troubles, toxic or excessive jealousy, trouble making things work long-distance – there are more reasons than you can count for a relationship to end. Yet, for many of us, that doesn’t make the healing process any easier.

The average American adult will experience three major relationship breakups during their lifetime, taking six months to get over each fully. Yet, according to research, on average we give ourselves just four days to ‘wallow in sadness’ (or rather, grieve for the relationship we have lost) immediately after it has ended. For those ending a more long-term committed relationship like a marriage, studies have estimated it can take up to 18 months to feel ready to move on.

So, why do some of us seem to be more affected than others when it comes to moving on from our relationships? And could taking longer to ‘get over’ your ex be a sign of something more serious?

Relationship breakups: What’s normal?

The end of a relationship can come with huge life changes. If you shared a home, you may find yourself needing to move; if you shared bills, you’ll need to take another look at your finances. If things weren’t amicable, who gets to ‘keep’ your shared friends? And that’s not even touching the emotional turmoil that can leave you feeling anxious, angry, sad, overwhelmed, bitter, confused, hurt, and heartbroken.

While there’s no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to experience a breakup with someone, there are aspects which can make it feel easier for both of you. You may feel more able and ready to move on if:

• Your relationship broke up face-to-face. Ghosting, or being rejected by text, call, or email can stop you from having the chance to express yourself and your feelings, and have a final opportunity to go through things together. This can stop you from feeling able to move on, as you may feel like you have unfinished business, or too much has been left unsaid.
• You both had the chance to be honest. Having a real reason for the ending of a relationship (without things going into too much detail, or feeling too brutal) can help to create a sense of catharsis. You may still be unhappy, or may not even fully agree with that reason, but knowing the why can be a big help in moving on.
• You had a clean break. When one partner tries to hang on, insists on ‘fixing’ or ‘saving’ your relationship, or even tries to argue that your reasons or feelings that have led to this breakup aren’t valid, it can cause more harm than good. Even if you want to remain friends (something 60% of us manage, according to one 2017 study), it can be easier if you don't.
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From dopamine dressing to radical self-acceptance, explore how to tap into a limitless version of you

Hello Happiful readers,

What’s your favourite colour? Hang on, let me guess. Is it blue?

It’s a trick borrowed from Lauren Labrecque, an associate professor at the University of Rhode Island. Lauren would ask the same question to her students, already having a slide prepared with her prediction: 80% of the responses would be blue.

It’s a safe bet. Worldwide studies and surveys have found again and again that blue is the most common ‘favourite colour’ among adults. Scientists don’t really know why this is the case, but if you’re worried this means we’re all the same, you shouldn’t be. Colours are subjective; not only do we each see them slightly differently, but we also project onto them our individual experiences, emotions, culture, and associations. The result is a personal palette that tells the story of our lives, and which could never be replicated or even, currently, completely understood.

Though, if you’ve ever taken a ‘What does your favourite colour say about you?’ quiz, you’ll know there’s something about being told that liking the colour green means you’re dependable that really hits the spot, even if the science is dubious.

It’s an interesting insight into the ways that our preferences feed into our sense of self, and vice versa. When it comes to our wellbeing, feeling as though we understand and can express ourselves is key. If you always make decisions in-line with your honest desires, needs, and values, those choices become that much easier. So, how do we get to that point?

In issue 65, we explore ‘dopamine dressing’ and meet the colourful people who will challenge you to think differently about fashion and self-expression. And our print-exclusive journaling pages are a space to explore a limitless version of you.

But you’ve also got to face the hard stuff. We’re unpacking the concept of ‘pleasanteeism’ in the workplace on p14, and flick to p25 and you’ll find a reflection on what would happen if, in a world that wants you to hide your struggles, you practised radical self-acceptance?

Plus, this print edition includes:

• Intriguing features including an ancient Greek secret to inner joy, the wellbeing power of morning pages, advice on questioning a mental health misdiagnosis, and how to make keep intimacy alive in long-term relationships.

• Essential life hacks from recognising anxiety through the ages to discussing burnout with your boss, and managing mismatched work-life balance with your other half.

• Expert input on a range of topics including adult bullying, myths about narcissism, why we ignore relationship red flags, and the long-term impact of financial trauma.

What does an honest, o

According to a 2019 study, spending at least 120 minutes a week in nature is associated with good health and wellbeing. So, we’re rounding up some of the most joyful and unusual ways to pass the time outdoors

“Nature is fuel for the soul,” Richard Ryan, professor of psychology at the University of Rochester, said.

In Professor Ryan’s study, published in the Journal of Environmental Psychology, 537 college students were split into five separate experiments. In one, the students were taken on a 15-minute walk either through indoor hallways or along a tree-lined riverside path. In another, they looked at photos of buildings or landscapes. And in the last, they were asked to imagine themselves in active and sedentary situations, both inside and outside, and with others and without.

When the results of the study were in, the students reported that their energy and vitality levels were lifted by being outside, or even just from imagining that they were, and the researchers came to a conclusion: that being in nature makes people feel more alive.

And to get more specific, a separate study, published in Scientific Reports, revealed that 120 minutes per week is the optimal amount of time to spend in nature if you’re looking to improve your health and wellbeing. So, all there’s left to do now is to decide what to do with the time you’re given – and we have some ideas…

Add a quick two-step into your walk

Walking and dancing: two things that have been shown time and time again to improve our mood and our wellbeing. But add them both together? Now you’re talking. A 2012 study published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology: General found that walkers who moved fluidly, and waved their arms in a sort of improvised dance, generated more ideas than those who walked normally. Breaking out of our usual patterns of behaviour is shown to help us think more creatively, making this a great tool for blowing away brain fog. It doesn’t have to be a full-on moonwalk – a hop, skip, or spin here and there, or even just moving your arms rhythmically could do the trick. Not brave enough to go at it alone? Bring a friend along, or the whole family, and you’ll soon leave any self-conscious feelings behind.

Feel the ground beneath your feet

Here’s a fact you might not have been expecting to read: feet have nearly twice as many nerve endings as penises (more than 7,000 in each foot, compared to 4,000, in case you were wondering). For this reason, feeling the ground beneath your bare feet invites intense and fascinating sensations. Soft soil and dewy grass, warm, cool, tickly, smooth – there is so much to experience. And all these experiences come together to ground us in the moment, forcing us to connect with the environment and the body that we’re in.

Find and create natural aromatherapy spots

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