Feeling stuck? Releasing rage could be the key to clarity and empowerment

When Jenny* began counselling, she felt stuck. She used to know what she wanted from life, but now found herself feeling lost and unsure of herself. Mike* entered therapy with an anxiety that kept him up at night. During the day, he felt invisible, overworked, and teetered on the edge of burnout. Samira* had a sense of hopelessness about the world. She often talked about oppressive social systems that left her with fewer opportunities than her husband, but felt as though there was nothing she could do about her future.

All of these clients came to therapy with different symptoms, histories, and relationships. What they had in common was that concealed anger was underlying their presenting issues. They each wanted to feel more alive, empowered, and capable of living the lives they wanted. Perhaps surprisingly, the key to this is learning how to access and use anger to solve our problems and achieve empowerment.

What is anger?

Anger is a natural and appropriate emotional response to something external that is in conflict with our personal values. It arises when our boundaries have been crossed, when someone does something we disagree with, or treats us in a way we dislike. Anger is a powerful sign that our needs are not being met.

Yet, anger is perhaps the most misunderstood and frequently denied emotion. I hear many clients make statements such as “I’m not really an angry person,” suggesting a cultural misperception that feeling anger is a fixed and inescapable part of our identity, rather than a transient emotional experience.

In reality, if we acknowledge anger and express it appropriately, it will resolve, like any other emotion. It is actually when we disavow anger that it becomes detrimental to our wellbeing.

Why do we push anger away?

Expressing anger often involves confrontation with others. If we are in any doubt that the relationship can withstand such a rupture, denying our anger becomes a way to avoid relationship breakdown. In the moment, it seems far simpler and less frightening to pretend we are not angry, so we turn anger inward, hoping it will subside. However, this only internalises the conflict; creating anxiety, low mood and a sense of being stuck.

What is the difference between anger and violence?

Another reason anger is denied, particularly in men, is because it is confused with violence. However, whereas anger motivates us to problem-solve, violence is actually a passive behaviour. When people are unable to express anger in a safe, healthy, and productive way, they are more likely to discharge angry energy with violence. This may feel like a temporary release, but it fails to address the problem which created the anger in the first place. Expressing anger healthily is about active problem-solving, not violence.

How can we recognise repressed anger?

Anger is a powerful emotion that, when left unexpressed, takes up a lot of energy. Physically, it can leave us feeling drained and exhausted, but sleep does not help, because anger is not relieved by rest. Restoring our capacity requires an appropriate release of the pent-up angry energy.

Clues that ang

Looking for simple, quick, and effective tips for tackle the green-eyed monster? Here are seven ways you can conquer feelings of jealousy for good

Jealousy is rarely a good look on anyone. Whether you’re feeling jealous of a friend’s latest holiday, a family member’s good news, or even a colleague’s promotion, a little bit of jealousy can motivate us. But when we feel it too much or too often, it can risk hurting our relationships and damaging our wellbeing.

So, how can we overcome jealousy?

1. Try self-help

Learning how to recognise, acknowledge, and tackle unhelpful feelings can be daunting. But being able to identify jealousy is the first step towards confronting why you are feeling this way, and finding healthier ways to process these thoughts and feelings.

Often caused by fear, low self-esteem, or insecurity, it’s important to remember that feeling jealous doesn’t make you a bad person. Speaking to someone you trust can help you to work through these difficult feelings, as well as reframe things in a different light.

Acknowledging how you are feeling can help you to address the elephant in the room, leading to self-reflection and opening the way for personal growth.

2. Practise gratitude

Gratitude isn’t just about being polite. It’s about noticing the good things in life and showing genuine appreciation for them. When people regularly practise gratitude through reflection and expression, many find that they experience more positive emotions, see improvements in their sleep patterns, and even develop higher levels of self-esteem.

Practising gratitude can help to alleviate stress, reduce feelings of jealousy, and help us to appreciate the things that we have, instead of focusing on what others have.

3. Be aware in the moment (and take a break)

When you next feel jealousy rising, take a moment to stop and acknowledge how you are feeling. Instead of reacting, or allowing these feelings to fester, step away from the situation and allow yourself to take a break.

Try going on a short walk or taking 10 minutes to do something else you find calming, like listening to music or making a hot drink. Or try writing down how you are feeling, then leaving it to come back to later. Readdressing these thoughts and feelings when you are calmer can help you to view them more rationally, allowing you to work through them without the risk of saying or doing something you may later regret.

4. Consider talking therapy

Counselling can be a helpful method of working through jealousy. A qualified, experienced therapist can provide a safe space to explore feelings, challenge unhelpful thoughts, and discover new ways of moving forward.

Cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) can help you to better understand your feelings, recognise and break negative thought patterns, and discover new, healthier ways of reacting. Another helpful option can be cognitive analytical therapy (CAT). This can help you both challenge and change negative thought patterns, as well as look at past experiences, helping you to understand why you think or behave this way.

5. Practise mindfulness

Mindfulness is all about being aware of our thoughts, feelings, environment,

Whether it’s a meeting at work or a family dynamic that conjures up concern around the possibility of clashes, here are five effective ways you can proactively manage tough conversations and situations

1. Assume the best

It’s easy to talk ourselves into fearing a situation, and expecting the worst, even when we have no evidence that things will play out as we imagine. However, by catastrophising and anticipating conflict we’re telling ourselves that we’re about to be in danger, and our mind and body will then react as if that is true.

Intercept anticipatory negative thoughts as they enter your mind by asking yourself: ‘Do I know this to be true?’ If the answer is no, ask yourself how you would like the conversation or event to play out instead.

2. Set intentions

You can’t manage how other people will communicate or react, but you can present yourself in a way that you are proud of. By writing down how you will behave and communicate, you’re setting positive intentions that will help you manage your interactions. Read through your intentions again before your meet-up, so they’re fresh in your mind.

3. Put in a pause

If you believe that the situation is going south, you don’t have to passively slide down the slippery route to conflict! Putting a pause in the middle of proceedings can really help.

This is situation dependent, but if things feel like they’re escalating into unproductive territory, simply say: “I really want to continue this conversation. I just need to go to the bathroom/grab some water/blow my nose, and when I get back, let’s talk about this further.”

While you’re away from the discussion, slow your breathing down, making each exhale longer than the inhale, and remember the intentions you’ve set for yourself. When you re-enter the discussion, thank the person for waiting for you – hopefully, tension will have dissipated and tempers will calm.

4. Stay grounded

If verbal conflict should arise, physically ground yourself by placing both feet flat on the floor, and by keeping your breathing steady. Avoid interrupting the other person, and take a breath before you speak, both of which can help to prevent the conversation from escalating into a rally of positional points.

If you believe that the situation cannot be rectified at that moment, say so, and be clear about how you wish to be treated and proceed. This doesn’t have to be combative. You could try: “It seems that we disagree on this. I respect you, and I think it would be great for us both to have some time to think about what we’ve shared. Shall we give each other a bit of time and space to process the discussion, and chat again in a couple of days?”

5. You’re safe and loved

Conflict, or even the anticipation of conflict, can make us feel shaky and off-centre. Take some time to ‘come down’ after your interaction. If you can, take a walk outdoors and use the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding method – focus on five t

Is putting ourselves first always selfish? And is being selfish really always a bad thing? We explain more about healthy selfishness and how it can help you

Being called selfish is an unpleasant blow. Socially speaking, the idea of being selfish is taboo: it’s something we should strive to avoid at all costs. To be called selfish means you are inconsiderate of other people, putting your own pleasure and gains ahead of others. Yet the term can often be used as a weapon against us, to manipulate us into doing things for others – even when it could be to our own detriment.

Can selfishness be good?

Selfishness isn’t always bad. According to experts, selfishness can be healthy, while altruism (the selfless concern for the wellbeing of others) can become extreme and unhealthy.

Scott Kaufman from the Department of Psychology at Columbia University, New York, and Emanuel Jauk from the Department of Psychology at the University of Graz, Austria and Clinical Psychology and Behavioral Neuroscience at Technische Universitat Dresden, Germany, recently published their research into healthy selfishness and pathological altruism.

“Selfishness is often regarded as an undesirable or even immoral characteristic. However, human history as well as the works of humanistic and psychodynamic psychologists point to a more complex picture: not all selfishness is necessarily bad, and not all altruism is necessarily good,” they explain.

According to their research, healthy selfishness can be related to higher levels of psychological wellbeing, developing skills necessary to deal with the demands placed on us by our environment in an effective way (adaptive functioning), as well as developing behaviour that genuinely is intended to help others (prosocial behaviour).

In contrast, those who practised pathological altruism (where we do things in an attempt to promote the welfare of others but cause harm that was reasonably foreseeable by others) were more likely to exhibit behaviours that stopped them from adapting to new or difficult circumstances (maladaptive psychological behaviours), vulnerable narcissism (a narcissist type that is highly self-conscious, insecure, and hypersensitive to rejection), and selfish motivations for helping others.

What is healthy selfishness?

Healthy selfishness refers to having a healthy respect for your own health, growth, joy, freedom, and happiness. It can mean using boundaries to help you define and refocus on your needs and those of others. By setting boundaries, we can not only allow our focus to return to our own needs, but we can create the emotional bandwidth to refocus on those that we love and care for.

For example, by saying no to attending a work social on a Friday night that you know is likely to make you feel exhausted, drained, and overwhelmed, you can instead reserve that energy for spending time with friends and family. This type of ‘healthy selfishness’ means that you are prioritising yourself and those closest to you, using your time and energy to

Do you find it hard to express how you feel? Sometimes, when we’re frustrated or angry, we might express our feelings indirectly rather than being up-front. But when we aren't open about our feelings, it can create confusion and negatively impact our relationships

Passive-aggressive behaviour can ‘feel normal’ to us - especially if it’s how we’ve grown up seeing others around us deal with relationship issues. Whether done verbally or nonverbally, someone may be passive-aggressive as a way to avoid outright hurting someone else’s feelings, or as a way to show displeasure or disagreement without outright stating it.

It’s a more common way of dealing with things than you might think. But what are the signs we can look out for to recognise (and stop) being passive-aggressive in our romantic relationships? Why are we passive-aggressive in the first place? And is it really a bad thing?

What is passive-aggressive behaviour (and why do we do it?)

Also referred to as non-verbal aggression, when we talk about passive-aggressive behaviour, it refers to when you feel angry or upset with someone, but feel like you can’t or don’t want to tell them.

There are many different reasons why someone might be passive-aggressive. They might have low self-esteem, feel insecure, or be afraid of losing control. Other common reasons can also be as a way of coping with feelings of stress, anxiety, or depression. It can also be a way to try and deal with rejection or conflict, because of feelings of under-appreciation, or because they are worried that any natural feelings of anger aren’t the ‘right’ response, and so trying to sugarcoat things feels like a better option.

Counsellor Andrea Harrn explains more about passive-aggressive behaviour and how it can be a problem in our relationships.

Why is passive-aggressive behaviour bad?

We almost all exhibit signs of passive aggression from time to time. But when it becomes a pattern of behaviour or a habit within our relationships (whether that’s romantic, platonic, or with work colleagues), it can become frustrating or upsetting for the other person involved. And for the person exhibiting this behaviour, their inability to say what is wrong and express themselves clearly can often worsen the issue.

Ultimately, passive aggression can be seen as destructive behaviour. It can prevent change and growth, leading to more negative behaviours, the breakdown of trust, and further relationship problems. Frequent passive-aggressive responses can be a sign of communication issues within your relationship, and if left to become a pattern over time, can damage your relationship.

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