Are you a people pleaser? If so, Psychotherapist Tasha Bailey (AKA Real Talk Therapist) has some words of wisdom, practical tools and alternatives that might help you live a more colourful life without resentment

“I describe people pleasing in two ways,” Psychotherapist Tasha Bailey explains on Happiful’s podcast I am. I have. “The first way is more general, it’s a tendency to put ourselves last and we put everyone else’s needs above our own. That might come from a place of wanting to be liked or a fear of rejection.

“The second definition is people pleasing as a trauma response,” she continues. “If we’ve grown up in a household where our needs were never met, or always at the bottom of the list, we’ll learn to do that to ourselves as if we don’t matter. We become caretakers. We might end up being in friendships or relationships where we look after other people’s feelings, or even in jobs where we do that, and forget to look after ourselves.”

These descriptions will resonate with so many readers who struggle with this trait. In many ways, as Tasha expands upon, people pleasing behaviours can be all too easy to adopt when trying to find or maintain our place in the world from an early age. However, that’s all the more reason to address them in adulthood.

“Niceness, being a hard worker and all giving, especially as a woman or a person of colour, is really glorified in society. So when you’re thinking about looking after your own needs, you can often go to a place of thinking ‘that’s selfish of me’, or go to a place of guilt but then you’re not being looked after.

“What will happen is that will tire us out emotionally and physically, so we have to work out how to look after a bit of both. Me first, yes, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to drop everything, it just means I’m going to be more considerate of how I put myself first here.”

To raise awareness of Samaritans and the support they offer to everyone, listening volunteer and previous caller Kay shares her story of picking up the phone and the difference it made to her life

“I can say without irony or agenda, that person I spoke to saved my life,” Kay asserts on Happiful’s podcast I am. I have. Kay is now a listening volunteer for Samaritans and dedicated to helping people when they need it. She knows from first-hand experience the perspective changing power of a conversation when you are at your lowest ebb.

Kay’s own call to Samaritans changed what was an overwhelming and frightening situation for her into a series of interactions that helped her recover from a potentially life-changing illness and subsequent low mood and fearful feelings.

It all began with a health emergency that took place on her daily commute into London. Kay collapsed on board her train after unknowingly developing sepsis from a tick bite on a dog walk, and had to be rushed into hospital as a result. This experience was understandably very traumatising for her.

“When I woke up in the hospital I was physically on the mend,” Kay explains. “Mentally, I was challenged.”

Kay shared her feelings with her GP who offered antidepressants but it wasn’t a route she wanted to take at that time. However, Kay was looking at an eighteen month waiting list for counselling with the NHS and six weeks through her work’s medical insurance. Even the shorter period of time, Kay shares, felt far too long for her to cope with.

Kay found herself waiting on a train platform during this period and this is when she noticed the sign for Samaritans. “As luck would have it that day the train was delayed. I called and got through within three minutes,” Kay says. “Suddenly I had someone actively listening to me. That call was the conversation that triggered me to think that there is support available.”

I knew I was supported and could always call Samaritans at any time all year around

The Samaritan’s listening volunteer explained to Kay that she could contact them whenever and however she needed to, as her train arrived. “I emailed them and phoned again,” Kay says. “Then, I ran speaking to Samaritans and the wholesome support alongside the therapy I started to have. When I felt strong enough to finish my course of talking therapy, I knew I was supported and could always call Samaritans, at any time, all year around.”

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Singer Claire Richards joins Happiful’s podcast to discuss a year of career celebrations and the confidence she’s developed in her personal life

Claire Richards and the rest of Steps, are in a slight state of disbelief. This summer they’re celebrating 25 years as a band, with a heady tour schedule and the release of The Platinum Collection, an album crammed full of their greatest hits from 1997 to 2022.

“I actually can’t believe that we’re 25,” Claire says beaming. “It's a lifetime almost! We did an interview with someone the other day who was born 25 years ago, they weren’t even around when we started...”

Claire's keen to acknowledge the band's achievements and is clearly looking forward to the tour and upcoming appearances. “It’s a massive milestone and we want to celebrate it,” she says. “We’ve put together a setlist for our show that’s relentless, it will be like 25 years are flashing by everyone’s eyes, not just ours!”

Along with her stellar career to date in Steps, Claire has embarked on an incredible amount of solo projects including releasing her own music, presenting and appearing on a number of TV shows and most recently appeared on The Great British Sewing Bee: Celebrity New Year Special, which she loved.

Claire also has two children, who are now teenagers, and has acquired an improved sense of self and clarity when it comes to her personal life. This, she explains, came about after she turned forty.

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Hi friends! I’m so excited to have Stevie Smith, a Registered Dietitian who works with InsideTracker, on the show today! This show isn’t sponsored, but you can use my link to get 20% off at InsideTracker here and read about my experience here! I’m so excited to re-test soon and see how my numbers have changed.

Here’s what we talk about:

– The most common biomarkers that people need to improve through their Inside Tracker results

– How can athletes and those who are more interested in finetuning their nutrition use their results

– What types of recommendations and analysis she provides for athlete clients

– How recommendations differ based on goals (strength, endurance, overall health/longevity)

– HRV (Heart Rate Variability) and what factors affect this

And so.much.more!

Here’s a bit more about Stevie if you’re not familiar with her:

Stevie Smith is an experienced Registered Dietitian, board certified in sports nutrition, with a demonstrated history of working with individuals, groups, and also in clinical settings. In her work with InsideTracker, Stevie helps athletes like Shalane Flanagan use the platform’s analysis of blood biometrics, DNA insights and fitness tracker data to create science-backed recommendations for nutrition and lifestyle interventions and optimize for strength, endurance and longevity. She holds a Bachelor of Science (BS) focused in Dietetics and Nutrition from State University of New York College at Buffalo and Masters of Science (MS) in Applied Nutrition with a sports and fitness concentration from Northeastern University.

You can connect with Stevie on Instagram, read her articles at InsideTracker, and check out her website here. 

Resources from this episode:

Get 20% off at InsideTracker here and get customized recommendations based on your personal biomarkers. If you’re looking to take your health to the next level, this is an amazing tool!

Book recommendations from Stevie:

Run Fast. Cook Fast. Eat slow. I ordered a copy after recording this episode and the recipes look AWESOME.

Rise and Run

Next Level

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Psychotherapist and author of Ten to Zen, Ten Times Happier and now How To Be Your Own Therapist, joins our podcast to discuss working on yourself, managing change and addressing your internal tone

Owen O’Kane believes wholeheartedly in the power of good therapy. As someone who was previously a NHS Clinical Lead for Mental Health, and is now working in private practice as well as writing and speaking publicly about the subject, he’s all too aware of the stress on the system and the need for more support for many more people.

This is why the idea for his most recent book How To Be Your Own Therapist came about. “It’s not a replacement of one to one therapy,” he shares honestly. “But my argument is, if it gets someone started or it helps them to make sense of who they are and on the road to recovery, then I’ve done my job.

“Very often one word, a line or a suggestion can sometimes make an incredible difference in someone’s life”, he explains. “We think it has to be complicated but very often it doesn’t. For example, in my line of work, I see people talking to themselves in a really cruel harsh way, regularly, and the one thing that I reinforce a lot in my book is if you can help someone stop doing that then their life transforms immeasurably.”

Owen on

Internal Tone

“How are you talking to yourself? I'd really encourage anyone listening or reading today to really ask themselves that question. If you wouldn't speak to another human being the way you're speaking to yourself, then that's where you need to get started.

“Give yourself permission to be who you are and feel what you're feeling and then make the decision to say to yourself “I'm going to look after you, it's okay. I've got you”. When you begin to make those adjustments, it's a game changer.”

Change

“In psychology, we often talk about anxiety and depression and trauma but something we probably don't talk about enough is adjustment disorders, which are very often linked to changes in life. And of course, adjustment disorders will present as anxiety, changes in mood or people can develop behaviours that are maybe a bit more obsessional or habitual.

“This can play out in many different ways for people. And I think as human beings, many of us are hardwired for predictability. If you look at a definition of anxiety, it's an intolerance of uncertainty. So basically we, as human beings, tend not to tolerate uncertainty very well.

“Very often we want life to go a particular way and we have a notion about how life should be. However, life often delivers a complete opposit