It’s official: Brits are having less sex. Is technology and stress really to blame, or is our lack of self-acceptance at the core of our problems?

It’s not something we really talk about, but let’s be honest: sex is great, isn’t it? It’s good for your heart, acts as a stress buster, and keeps tension at bay – what’s not to love? Yet according to findings published in the British Medical Journal, nearly a third of us haven’t had sex in the past month. That’s… not so great.

We’re at a point in history where it feels like, for the most part, we’ve got more freedom to be open about what (and who) we love than ever before. Yet for some of us, getting over that first hurdle – accepting ourselves, and what we enjoy – feels like the hardest.

Despite kink-based novels and films making mainstream headlines for nearly a decade, many of us can still struggle with our desires. Love it or hate it, Fifty Shades of Grey sparked debate, and brought rarely-discussed sexual desires into the eye of mainstream commentary. Yet beneath the best-sellers and star-studded cast, and past mainstream publications focusing on ‘weird extreme’ fetishes, sits actual individuals facing a whole host of issues and worries.

Recognising you have sexual urges outside of what society considers ‘normal’ is just the first step. Sure, there may be a community, ready and waiting with open arms – but self-acceptance isn’t always that easy. Do you ‘come out’ as kinky, or keep things firmly behind closed doors? How do you balance sharing with oversharing? Do you risk shutting loved ones out of an entire part of your life by keeping your desires secret?

Sounds complicated. We asked members of the fetish community to share their thoughts on how they came to accept their inner desires.

Coming out as kinky

Will, a programmer approaching his mid-30s, shares his experiences with us as an ‘out and proud’ member of the fetish community. First realising his fetishes as a teen, Will spent years going through binge and purge cycles with his desires, before he felt ready to open up and speak out.

“I struggled with my attractions. Many in the community describe binge and purge cycles before they found acceptance. Because an inclination to kink is often considered perverse, I feel it can naturally make people hide this part of themselves.

“I remember throwing everything away, furiously deleting my internet history and bookmarks, only to start buying kinky items and browsing the same forums a few months later. It was only after many years of this that I decided to take the plunge and meet people.

“Speaking with people face-to-face, actually talking about and understanding their nonchalant attitudes to their kinks, allowed me to accept mine, and accept this part of myself. I struggled most with hiding parts of my life from close friends and family. I developed a real fear of what would happen if they found out.

“While I’ve not told them specific details, I’ve explained that I’m openly part of the community, that I’m happy and safe. Although many don’t truly understand what that means, I

What is sapiosexuality, what does it mean, and how can it affect our relationships?

Attraction. Sometimes it can be hard to define but there’s no denying that we like what we like, and exploring and embracing those desires can be great not only for our relationships, but our mental health, wellbeing, and sexual satisfaction.

If you’ve ever found yourself feeling more attracted to someone’s mind over their body, it could be a sign that you may be sapiosexual.

What does it mean to be sapiosexual?

Sapiosexuality means that you find intelligence sexually attractive or arousing. A type of sexuality, in order to feel sexually attracted to someone, sapiosexuals first have to feel intellectually stimulated.

In use since 1998, the term has become more mainstream since the mid-2010s, when dating sites began including sapiosexual as a sexual orientation option. The term itself is derived from the Latin sapere, meaning to be wise or to have sense.

If you are sapiosexual, the first thing you might notice about a potential partner is likely to be their intelligence. You find the way other people’s minds work, or how intellectual they are, to be attractive. You may not find other common points of attraction people talk about (e.g. height, shape, hair colour, humour, body type, facial features) to be something that you find attractive or stimulating in and of itself. Sapiosexuals often do not feel lust, desire, or sexual gratification without first being stimulated on an intellectual level.

Can anyone be sapiosexual?

Anyone can identify as sapiosexual alongside being heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, or any number of other sexualities. You may find yourself attracted to men, women, those who identify as trans, nonbinary, genderfluid, or those of any gender or sexual identity.

One 2011 study revealed that intelligence may actually be one of the top three traits we look for in a potential partner – meaning attraction to intelligence could be a lot more common than we realise.

Is sapiosexuality the same as demisexuality?

Being demisexual is not the same as being sapiosexual. Someone who is demisexual needs to form an emotional bond before they can feel sexual or romantic attraction. A sapiosexual may immediately feel attraction if they experience intellectually stimulating conversations or debates.

Is sapiosexuality really an orientation?

As a relatively new term, it does come with some controversy, as some believe sapiosexuality is not an orientation, but a type of attraction (alongside types of attraction such as romantic, emotional, sexual, physical, or platonic). However, many who describe themselves as sapiosexual say that intelligence, for them, is more than just one quality they appreciate in a potential partner: it is the driving force behind their sexual attraction.

For some, using the term can be seen as controversial, as some critics have called sapiosexuality a form of discrimination, as well as calling it elitist, Read more

With all the advances in the world, one thing that remains a constant battle is the fight to live as our authentic selves. Here, columnist Bhavna shares the terrible reality for many members of the LGBTQIA+ community, and implores us to stand with them to fight for everyone’s right to love, with pride

Love is love. Loving and being loved are the most basic of needs in any organism. Poets tell us that to love is the goal of human existence, and to be loved is the greatest treasure of the heart. And yet, for some like me, who are part of the global LGBTQIA+ community, loving whom we choose could be a death sentence.

Despite advances in LGBTQIA+ rights through Stonewall’s first riot to the Pride marches across the globe, loving someone of the same sex can mean death in many parts of the world. Only in June, during our Queen’s Jubilee, the representative of Her Majesty in Indonesia was called to account over why there was a Pride flag flying at the British Embassy. This is timely proof that there are still many countries around the world where there is a price to pay for love.

We hear of young couples being reported to authorities, sometimes by their own families, because they are gay and love each other. Why?

We hear of two young women in India, in their early 20s, hounded by their families because they have chosen to be in a loving relationship, and abducted by their families to force them apart, having to go to court to fight for their right to be together. Why?

We hear of corrective rapes in South Africa, and other parts of the world, to ‘teach’ LGBTQIA+ people a lesson. Why?

We hear of trans siblings of the LGBTQIA+ family being harassed and murdered, transwomen being assaulted and murdered, because they found the courage to be who they are.

We hear of high rates of suicides in the LGBTQIA+ community, because of the stigma of being gay. Why?

We hear of people choosing to enter heterosexual marriage and betray themselves to keep family happy, and take the target off their backs. This raises many other questions. We can’t hide what we feel – I know, I was in the closet for 32 years of my life until it became unbearable to live the lie, and I had to come out before it killed me. I will never get those three decades of my life back.

One of the excuses I read and hear repeatedly about why being LGBTQIA+ could be a death sentence for some is that it is against ‘their’ religion. Yet, despite my study of religious literature over decades, the main lesson I’ve taken from all religions has been love, forbearance, and peace. The final commandment of Jesus was to ‘Love one another as I have loved you.’

The Office for National Statistics found that 1.9 million people in the UK (3.1% of the population) identify as LGB, whereas those identifying as trans number 1%, according to Stonewall.

The National LGBT Survey carried out in 2017 found that LGBT respondents are less satisfied with life compared with the general UK population. Furthermore, more than 66% stated concern about holding hands in public for fear of reprisals. The report stated that at least two in five people had experienced verbal haras

A new study reveals the power of feeling seen and heard for LGBTQ+ people

Mainstream literature has a history of underrepresenting LGBTQ+ characters, choosing not to include them and centring heteronormative characters instead. Despite this, there is a history of LGBTQ+ literature that dates back to Ancient Rome and Greece, it’s just rarely taught. For example, did you know that same-sex partnerships have been found in Homer’s Iliad, Plato’s Symposium and Shakespeare's Twelfth Night and The Merchant of Venice?

A new study from biography writing service StoryTerrace has found that 65% of those in the LGBTQ+ community say reading stories they can relate to has a positive impact on their mental health. 49% also said they felt lonely and isolated because they rarely heard about people who were going through the same things they were.

Interestingly, it wasn’t just reading relatable stories that made a difference, the study also found that writing had a positive impact, with 48% in the community saying writing creatively about their experiences allowed them to understand themselves better. 34% also noted that journaling has been the most beneficial aid to their mental health to date.

Being seen in mainstream media is key, but so is being heard through writing. Gay author Roger Moreau wrote his life story with StoryTerrace and says it means a lot to him to be able to share his story, “Having written a manuscript of my life growing up in such a personal way and not being able to find the words to put it together, to now having it written in a way that makes me feel understood is amazing.”

In response to the representation of LGBTQ+ people in literature, Moreau says we’ve come a long way.

“When I was a teenager, seeing a gay character on television was rare. If you did see a gay character, it was mostly portrayed as something negative. It was either the person who was sick and dying from an illness or was a victim of gay-bashing. Today, there is so much acceptance and support - I absolutely love reading LGBTQIA+ memoirs and stories of someone overcoming adversity. It shows that there is hope, and to keep on going, no matter what you are going through in life.”

LGBTQ+ memoirs and stories to explore

Fairest by Meredith Talusan

This memoir explores Meredith’s life, from being a child sitcom star in the Philippines to an award-winning writer. Discussing themes of love, being an outcast and gender, this is a poignant memoir to add to your list.

We Have Always Been Here: A Queer Muslim Memoir by Samra Habib

From growing up in fear of her safety in Pakistan to facing new challenges as a refugee in Canada, Samra writes about experiences of racism, faith, art and sexuality.

To be a Gay Man by Will Young

Best known for winning Pop Idol, Will takes us back to his early years to discuss internalised shame, low self-esteem and what helped in this memoir.

In Their Shoes by Jamie Windust

Calling for non-binary self-acceptance and self-celebration, Jamie’s book discusses fashion, dating, mental health and the challenges face