How often do you go on first impressions? Have you ever made a snap judgement about someone? You could be falling victim to cognitive bias

You might have heard the expression, ‘the first impression is the last impression’, meaning it’s hard to change an opinion of someone once it’s formed. Sometimes, we make quick decisions about people and without realising we rely on biases to do this.

The ‘halo or horn effect’ is a cognitive bias where our impression of someone influences how we feel about their overall character. Our brains are trying to categorise copious amounts of information based on previous experiences and memories. But sometimes this isn’t so reliable and we make a biased positive or negative opinion of someone. An easy example to highlight how we might do this is by putting more trust in someone who is an authority figure than someone who is not.

What is the ‘halo effect’?

The ‘halo effect’ is an unconscious bias in which our impression of a person influences how we feel and think about their character. It says that a positive impression of someone in a single area positively influences our feelings of that person in other areas. Kathryn Wheeler at Happiful explains the origins of the halo effect in her article, What is the halo or horn effect and how does it affect workplace culture?

“The concept has its origins in the work of 1920s American psychologist Edward Thorndike. In an experiment, Thorndike asked commanding officers to rate the physique, intelligence, leadership, and character traits of soldiers, before having any interactions with them. What he saw was that when the officer gave a soldier a high rating in one category, they tended to also give them high ratings in the others, too. He named this the ‘halo effect’.”

The expression ‘halo’ refers to the concept sometimes found in religious art, meaning we see that person in an overly positive light. Once the ‘halo effect’ has a good grip on us, it’s difficult to think in a neutral way when evaluating others. One common example of this is when we judge someone’s character based on how attractive we find them. Some people believe that attractiveness affects how we perceive that person’s personality. Certain marketing campaigns use this idea to help sell products. The opposite of this is making negative assumptions about someone’s personality based on how unattractive you may find them. This is known as the ‘horn effect’.

What is the ‘horn effect’?

The ‘horn effect’ is the other side of the coin, when a negative impression of someone in a single area, negatively influences our feelings of that person in all other areas. As with the ‘halo effect’, our brains can go into time-saving mode, making snap judgements based on experiences and memories. Even what mood we are in that day can influence the way we unconsciously categorise someone. It can show up in many ways: when choosing which products to buy, who to vote for, who you want to be friends with, who to date, and where to liv

Nobody likes to be blamed for something they didn’t do. So why do some of us end up getting the short straw for other people’s faults, mistakes, or wrongdoings? Here’s everything you need to know about scapegoating, why it happens, and what you can do to stop being your family’s scapegoat

Not every family has one, but we’ve all heard of the ‘black sheep’ or ‘problem child’ trope when it comes to family dynamics. Whether it’s a sibling, distant aunt or uncle, or maybe even you, the family scapegoat is the one that ends up getting shamed, blamed, or criticised for just about everything that goes wrong – even if those things are outside of their control. But why does this happen in some families and not others? And how can we stop being blamed when things aren't our fault?

What is scapegoating?

Scapegoating is the act of blaming someone – or a group of people – for something bad that has happened, that they didn’t do. It’s usually done for one of several reasons: to protect the overall image or reputation of a family, or as the default to always favour one or more family members (commonly referred to as the ‘golden child’, who is seen as exceptional or able to do no wrong – often without a specific reason) by placing blame on one person (the ‘scapegoat’). While it usually happens to just one person in a family, it can happen to more, depending on the dynamics.  

Typically starting during childhood, scapegoating is a sign of unhealthy family dynamics. It’s important to remember that, if you think you or someone you care about is being used as a scapegoat, it isn’t their fault.

Family members may choose a scapegoat based on arbitrary factors that the individual themselves cannot influence, such as picking an oldest/youngest child, basing their preferences on gender, appearance, intelligence, skin colour, or even sexual orientation. The person or people who are unfairly targeting you may be projecting their own feelings of shame, rage, and blame onto you, instead of dealing with uncomfortable thoughts, feelings, or behaviours. By finding someone to blame, they are finding a way to avoid taking responsibility.

Am I the family scapegoat?

How can you tell if you have been made into your family’s scapegoat? As one therapist on Counselling Directory explains, there are many different signs you can look out for to judge if you may have become the ‘black sheep’ in your family.

Ask yourself:

• Do my parents treat me differently than my siblings?
• Was I expected to take on extra caretaker responsibilities from a young age? (e.g. extra chores, responsibilities, looking after siblings, or other tasks that can fall under the parentification umbrella).
• Are mistakes I make punished appropriately? Or are they a bigger deal than seems reasonable?
• Do/did my parents notice or intervene when I was bullied?<

Ready to let love in? From tracks that capture everyday moments to proud declarations, we’ve rounded up 10 of the best love songs that really get relationships right

Ah, the classic love song. There’s something irresistible about cranking up the volume on a track that tells the story of one the most intense feelings we can have. From belters to laments, these tunes have the ability to tap into the highs and lows of our love lives – being there for us when we need them the most.

There’s nothing quite like the feeling of being seen by a song – or of sitting back and taking in the lyrics as each one hits the nail on the head. It’s a cathartic experience, reminding us that we’re not alone, whether that be in our happiest moments or through challenging times. So, here, we’re giving you a leg-up for finding your perfect match, with 10 songs that get relationships right.

1. ‘All I Want is You’, Barry Louis Polisar

Sometimes, love and relationships can feel vast and complex – and, sometimes, they're simple. A foot-tapping track that had its time to shine in the iconic opening of the film Juno, ‘All I Want is You’ breaks those big feelings down to celebrate the simplicity of love, and the ways that we go together with our perfect match.

2. ‘Bless the Telephone’, Labi Siffre

This one is for all the long-distance lovers out there. With its simple, yet passionate, guitar lines, ‘Bless the Telephone’ traces a phone conversation between two people, thankful for these small moments of connection that can mean so much.

3. ‘You’ve Got the Love’, Florence + The Machine

A song that has become iconic since its release (no doubt helped by the fact that President Obama included it on his 2012 official Spotify campaign playlist), ‘You’ve Got the Love’ channels the euphoria that can come with good love. So, put your hands in the air, because this love will see you through!

Can age-gap relationships really work? We answer your frequently asked questions about age gap relationships and explain more about what the research has to say

If there’s one thing that is bound to make headlines, it’s celebrity relationships with a big age gap. From the trending chart of Leonardo DiCaprio’s dating history (which revealed the then 47-year-old had never dated anyone over the age of 25), to top 10 lists of celeb couples successfully (and not so successfully) navigating big age gaps, we’re fascinated with the idea that there may be a ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ number of years between our perfect partner and us.

But why is it that relationships with age gaps cause so much controversy? And what does the research actually have to say? We explore some of the most commonly asked questions about dating someone who is significantly older or younger than you.

What are age gap relationships?

An ‘age gap relationship’ typically refers to a couple who are seriously or casually dating, with an age difference of at least 10 years, though some people use the term to refer to shorter gaps. The exact number of years for a relationship to ‘count’ as having an age gap can also vary based on what is considered culturally normal, with other factors – such as a person’s gender or age – affecting how ‘acceptable’ others may see that gap as. For example, someone may be more likely to show concern over a younger woman dating an older man due to fears of grooming, despite the fact that young people of any gender identity and sexual preference can be at risk of grooming.

Anyone can be in an age-gap relationship – a celebrity, a friend, a family member, or a colleague. Age gap relationships can also happen at any point in your life, though someone in their 20s dating someone in their 30s may be more likely to experience comments or pushback from others than a couple in their 50s and 60s.

Why are age-gap relationships frowned upon?

Many people in age-gap relationships report facing stigma, despite nearly four in 10 (39%) of us have dated someone 10 years older or younger than us. According to research, men are more likely to have dated someone 10 or more years younger than them (25% vs 14% of women), while women are more likely to have dated someone 10+ years older (28% vs 21% of men). Over half (57%) of us would be open to dating someone a decade or more older than us, while just under half of us (49%) would consider seeing someone 10 years younger.

Despite around half of us being open to age-gap dating, research has shown an imbalance in how socially acceptable we see it to be for men and women to date someone significantly younger than them. 55% of people believe it’s

Is it OK for BFFs to not actually last forever?

There’s a saying about friendships that goes something like this: ‘We have three types of friends: friends for a reason, friends for a season, and friends for a lifetime.’ Of course, there are no hard and fast rules about these sorts of things, but clearly, the sentiment resonates. So let’s talk about it. Specifically, let’s talk about perhaps the trickiest one: friends for a season. The idea behind this is that some friends are right for a period of our life. Maybe it’s for months, maybe years, but there’s a beginning and an end to the relationship.

And, apparently, it’s not an uncommon experience. According to a UK poll by Disney, the average friendship lasts for 17 years. Another study from researchers from Aalto University in Finland, and the University of Oxford, took a look at the ways that friendships evolve throughout our lives. In order to do so, they reviewed data from three million phone users to identify the frequency and patterns of who they were contacting, and when, as well as overall activity within their networks. What they found was that men and women tended to make more friends – being ‘socially promiscuous’ – up until the age of 25. After that, the researchers saw a drop in the number of friends people had.

Many of us will go through life entering different eras – school, work, university, moving away, starting a family, changing jobs, picking up new interests – we evolve with time, and sometimes the friendships that were so valuable to us are not, or cannot be, fulfilling. Sometimes they end with a confrontation, sometimes they just quietly fade away. Either way, the end of a friendship isn’t something we’re overly accustomed to, making them difficult to deal with. But we have some advice to help you navigate these times.

Is there a right way to end a friendship?

Yes, and also no. If a friendship just fizzles out over time, with no ill-wishes, perhaps simply because you’ve become different people with different priorities, and there are no burning questions or unfulfilled needs from either party, then there’s not necessarily anything wrong with just letting it be.

But when it comes to ending a friendship that has turned sour – perhaps because they overstep your new boundaries, or a change in priorities or lifestyle has caused disagreements – you may need to take a more direct approach.

The same rules for confrontation that apply to romantic relationships work here. Try to approach the person when you are not at the height of your emotions, so you can remain calm. Use ‘I’ statements to express how you feel – for example, ‘I feel like my boundaries are not being respected,’ rather than ‘You always cross the line.’ You can go into detail if you need to, and be willing to answer questions if you can. But if the conversation turns hostile or aggressive, know that you’re under no obligation to remain in it. And then, like with a romantic relationship, make it clear what you want to do next, for example: ‘I think it would be best if we didn’t see each other anymore.’

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