Michelle Elman on how to relieve the unfair burden of ‘survivor’s guilt’

Web Admin 0 322 Article rating: No rating

Going through a traumatic illness or experience is unimaginably difficult – so making it through the other side is something to celebrate, right? But what people often struggle to vocalise is the confusing mixture of feelings that accompany this, and the burden of guilt that can, unfairly, weigh heavy on you

Michelle Elman on how to relieve the unfair burden of ‘survivor’s guilt’

I remember the first time I heard the words ‘survivor’s guilt’. It caught my attention because it was finally a phrase that I could put to how I had been feeling for the last decade of my life.

For a little context, I’ve had 15 surgeries and, in many ways, shouldn’t have survived. If I had been born a few years earlier, or in a family with less financial privilege to afford the medical care I did, I would not be alive, and I have been acutely aware of that fact since the age of 11.

The problem is, at 11, it is a very adult problem to have when you are still very much a child, and with the limitations of the vocabulary of a child, and the confusion that comes with not being able to articulate how you feel. At 11 years old, I had been in the ICU for three months, and because the ICU was where the most ill children were in the hospital, I witnessed more deaths of children from six months to 15 years old than one should ever experience, and as each death occurred, it often made me wonder why I was still here. Why was I surviving? What was so special about me?

The only way I found to console myself at that age was to tell myself that I would do my best to compensate for those lives by spending my own trying to help as many people as humanly possible… I hoped that it would make up for it, and decided to never vocalise this guilt.

As much as it’s called survivor’s guilt, there are many other emotions encompassed in it, and the other main one was shame. Shame breeds silence, and so this became my deep dark secret, and ultimately led to me working so hard to overcompensate for all the lives lost.

I was often told in hospital ‘Everything happens for a reason,’ and this made the guilt so much worse. It forced me to try to make meaning out of something that has no meaning and doesn’t make sense. When someone tells you that everything happens for a reason, and you can’t find one, you begin to believe the reason is you, and that’s where the blame comes, along with the shame. Survivor’s guilt is nonsensical. Logically and rationally, you can understand you did not do anything to cause their death, but emotionally, it feels unjust and unfair.

What I wish someone had told me back then was that it was not my responsibility. It was not my fault that others had died and I had lived and, most of all, no one should have to earn their right to life. The fact is there is nothing special about me. There isn’t a reason why I survived and others didn’t, and the most peace I have found is understanding that sometimes shitty things happen, and not everything has a reason or a purpose.

I only began processing all of this while writing my first book, Am I Ugly?, and discussing it in depth meant I finally put words to how I’d felt for decades, and those wo

Seasonal friendships: how to find closure when companionship comes to an end

Web Admin 0 318 Article rating: No rating

Is it OK for BFFs to not actually last forever?

Seasonal friendships: how to find closure when companionship comes to an end

There’s a saying about friendships that goes something like this: ‘We have three types of friends: friends for a reason, friends for a season, and friends for a lifetime.’ Of course, there are no hard and fast rules about these sorts of things, but clearly, the sentiment resonates. So let’s talk about it. Specifically, let’s talk about perhaps the trickiest one: friends for a season. The idea behind this is that some friends are right for a period of our life. Maybe it’s for months, maybe years, but there’s a beginning and an end to the relationship.

And, apparently, it’s not an uncommon experience. According to a UK poll by Disney, the average friendship lasts for 17 years. Another study from researchers from Aalto University in Finland, and the University of Oxford, took a look at the ways that friendships evolve throughout our lives. In order to do so, they reviewed data from three million phone users to identify the frequency and patterns of who they were contacting, and when, as well as overall activity within their networks. What they found was that men and women tended to make more friends – being ‘socially promiscuous’ – up until the age of 25. After that, the researchers saw a drop in the number of friends people had.

Many of us will go through life entering different eras – school, work, university, moving away, starting a family, changing jobs, picking up new interests – we evolve with time, and sometimes the friendships that were so valuable to us are not, or cannot be, fulfilling. Sometimes they end with a confrontation, sometimes they just quietly fade away. Either way, the end of a friendship isn’t something we’re overly accustomed to, making them difficult to deal with. But we have some advice to help you navigate these times.

Is there a right way to end a friendship?

Yes, and also no. If a friendship just fizzles out over time, with no ill-wishes, perhaps simply because you’ve become different people with different priorities, and there are no burning questions or unfulfilled needs from either party, then there’s not necessarily anything wrong with just letting it be.

But when it comes to ending a friendship that has turned sour – perhaps because they overstep your new boundaries, or a change in priorities or lifestyle has caused disagreements – you may need to take a more direct approach.

The same rules for confrontation that apply to romantic relationships work here. Try to approach the person when you are not at the height of your emotions, so you can remain calm. Use ‘I’ statements to express how you feel – for example, ‘I feel like my boundaries are not being respected,’ rather than ‘You always cross the line.’ You can go into detail if you need to, and be willing to answer questions if you can. But if the conversation turns hostile or aggressive, know that you’re under no obligation to remain in it. And then, like with a romantic relationship, make it clear what you want to do next, for example: ‘I think it would be best if we didn’t see each other anymore.’

Seasonal friendships: how to find closure when companio</div>
	<div class=Read more

Art imitating life: exploring art therapy and its benefits on our wellbeing

Web Admin 0 343 Article rating: No rating

Paintings, photography, sculptures, and scrapbooks – how can art be used to support us through difficult times?

Art imitating life: exploring art therapy and its benefits on our wellbeing

In the 20th century, tuberculosis was a big problem in the UK, claiming countless lives, and seeing many others confined to sanatoriums. As you might expect, this would have been a frightening and frustrating time, but among the sickness and sadness, doctors observed that patients who drew and painted were better able to cope with both their illness, and their stay at the hospitals. The practice quickly spread and, in 1964, the British Association of Art Therapists was founded.

From 1948 until he retired in 1981, Edward Adamson became the first artist to be employed by the NHS. When Edward first began his work, people living with mental health problems did not have rights, and were subjected to brutal treatment. But Edward saw another way forward. For him, art therapy was about creative expression – not evidence to pass on to psychiatrists to be analysed – but art for art’s sake, and for healing. In his lifetime, Edward gathered more than 5,000 works of art from his patients, from drawing to ceramics, sculptures to paintings, preserved today by the Adamson Collection Trust.

Painting a picture

These days, the NHS states that there are more than 4,400 registered art therapists in the UK, including art, drama, and music therapists, like Chloe Sparrow.

“I remember so clearly what it was like to experience really big feelings, but not have the vocabulary, or confidence, to talk about it,” Chloe says. “For me, art psychotherapy offered a bridge between those big feelings and the expression of those feelings. Being able to express ourselves, and feel understood by another, feels like such a healing human experience. Combining that with one of my great loves, art, feels like such a privilege and pleasure.

“Art psychotherapy is a form of psychotherapy practised by qualified, registered art psychotherapists,” she explains. “It can provide you with an opportunity to use artmaking to explore issues or themes that are relevant and personal to you, and can be used to explore a wide range of difficulties.

“You don’t need to be ‘good’ at art in order to benefit from art psychotherapy. The purpose of the artmaking is to facilitate personal growth, and a greater understanding of the self, and you may find that particular themes begin to emerge through the colours, shapes, and concepts, in your artwork.”

Chloe explains how, in most sessions, the therapist will provide you with a variety of art materials and options that you can then pick from. With this as your starting point, you might work from a prompt provided by the therapist or, instead, approach your work with pure creativity and spontaneity. From there, there may then be time for discussion and reflection though, of course, the precise structure of a session will be entirely unique from person to person.

Art imitating life: exploring art therapy and its benefits on our wellbeing

The focus point

When it comes to therapy, one size really doesn’t fit all, and art therapy offers a positive alternative.

“Because art psychotherapy combines psychotherapeutic techniques with cre

What is the halo or horn effect and how does it affect workplace culture?

Web Admin 0 267 Article rating: No rating

Is this common mind trap impacting your progress at work?

What is the halo or horn effect and how does it affect workplace culture?

There have been countless studies on first impressions, most likely because we can’t stop agonising over them after we’ve met someone we want to impress for the first time. While some research will tell you that people make their minds up about you within the first 12 seconds, and others will point to your appearance as the source of the impression you give, the general consensus is that, regardless of how they are formed, they do count – but maybe they count too much…

The ‘halo or horn effect’ refers to when a first impression leads someone to have a biased negative or positive opinion of someone – a bias that would then lead them to overlook any actions or characteristics that might prove otherwise. The concept has its origins in the work of 1920s American psychologist Edward Thorndike. In an experiment, Thorndike asked commanding officers to rate the physique, intelligence, leadership, and character traits of soldiers, before having any interactions with them. What he saw was that when the officer gave a soldier a high rating in one category, they tended to also give them high ratings in the others, too. He named this the ‘halo effect’. On the flip side, Thorndike went on to find this pattern was also true when it came to negative characteristics: the ‘horn effect’.

Now, while the theory may be a century old, if we take some time to ruminate on it, many of us may be able to point to examples in our own lives where snap judgements have left a lasting impression, both good and bad – regardless of any countering evidence. And, like the scenario in Thorndike’s original experiments, one place this kind of thinking is rife is in the workplace.

One person might become the star, a regular employee of the month, any slip-ups easily glossed over, while opportunities flow towards them and treatment from higher-ups is favourable, to say the least. It could be said that this person is the recipient of the ‘halo effect’. On the flip side, the other might have made a mistake, such as turning up late one day. Their negative traits have been decided: they’re lazy and unreliable. When it comes to distributing important tasks, or those which would aid career progression, they’re overlooked – perhaps in favour of those in the ‘halo effect’.

And it’s not too difficult to understand how this happens in the first place. When we don’t have all the information about a person or a scenario, our brains automatically try to fill in the gaps using the information that is in front of us. One virtuous act in isolation can lead us to apply the same standards to all parts of a person – it’s easy to make the jump when there’s nothing else trying to catch your attention. But a major problem with making these judgements is that they’re superficial. It’s exactly those countering clues that come together to form the complex people that we are. We don’t live in a black-and-white world where people can be categorised as either ‘good’ or ‘bad’.

Help! I’m stuck in the ‘horn effect’

If what you’ve been reading here is striking a chord, and you think you might be stuck in the ‘horn effect’, know that you’re not

10 rejuvenating things to try in February to benefit your wellbeing

Web Admin 0 319 Article rating: No rating

From a podcast that will get you stomping outdoors to a photography technique that will light up the sky, try something new with our enriching suggestions

1. Page-turners

10 rejuvenating things to try in February to benefit your wellbeing

Letter To My Younger Self: The Big Issue Presents... 100 Inspiring People on the Moments That Shaped Their Lives by Jane Graham and The Big Issue

What one piece of advice would you give to your younger self? Interviewer Jane Graham conversed with well-known figures, from Paul McCartney to Olivia Colman, to ask them exactly that. The result? Letter To My Younger Self – a collection of reflections and words of wisdom for when you need it most.

(Out now, £9.99)

2. Out and about

Paint a light picture

Try your hand at long-exposure photography, and be mesmerised by the illuminated masterpiece that is captured through light painting. Simply place your camera on a tripod, set your camera to a long shutter speed, and use your torch to paint the sky with light. What are you waiting for? Grab your camera and watch the magic unfold.

10 rejuvenating things to try in February to benefit your wellbeing

(Visit canon-europe.com to find out more)

3. Act of kindness

Volunteer at a Repair Cafe

Are you skilful at sewing, or handy at mending things, and want to put your skills to good use? Volunteer for a local repair cafe to help fix everyday items, such as electricals, bikes, clothes, furniture, and more. You’ll be helping people save money during a time of economic uncertainty and, in turn, contributing towards protecting the planet.

(Visit repaircafe.org to find out more information)

4. Lend us your ears

‘Stompcast with Dr Alex’

Go on a stomping journey with Dr Alex, as he takes you on a wander through the great outdoors and into the lives of each of his podcast guests. In each episode, Dr Alex meets a renowned podcast guest in an outdoor location of their choice and embarks on a walk, all while engaging in thought-provoking conversations about wellbeing and mental health.

(Available on all podcast platforms)

5. Plugged-In

Tamara Michael

Do you ever just feel instantly soothed from a racing mind after doodling? From a scribble to help you to self-regulate, to one designed to provide relief from phone anxiety, artist Tamara Michael has a doodling tutorial for every occasion. There’s a reason art therapy is so popular, so grab your pen and put it to the test.

(Follow @tamaramichael_)


Read more
RSS
123468910Last