It should be a time for celebration, but sometimes our birthday triggers difficult feelings. Here, we explore how to cope with the annual event

For most people, birthdays are a fun and happy time to celebrate with friends and family. After all, they only happen once a year. However, birthdays can sometimes be accompanied by feelings of disinterest, depression, and sadness on, or in the days leading to, your birthday – AKA the birthday blues.

But, why does this happen? “The expectation to feel joy and celebrate when we don’t feel like it or may not have good reason to, can be part of the issue,” says counsellor James Eve. “‘I should feel happy or elated,’ makes no allowances for what you actually feel. We can recognise that even occasions that are a cause for celebration can contain within them moments of sadness or grief.”

However, there are a range of techniques you can utilise, and ways that you can alleviate these blue feelings...

1. Manage your expectations

Unfulfilled expectations can leave us feeling disappointed. Perhaps you may have wanted to buy a house or change careers by the time you reached a certain age, but that didn’t happen.

“The beautiful thing about expectations is that they can always be changed or managed,” James explains. “If you didn’t achieve X, then perhaps change it to Y, or break down X into more manageable chunks. Did you want to climb Mount Everest? Perhaps start with Ben Nevis.”

2. Embrace ageing

While society often tells us to fear it, ageing is a completely natural process. In fact, according to research published in the Journal of Clinical Psychology, the older you get, the happier you become.

“As we age, we also have a better understanding of what makes us tick, and can make more informed decisions,” James says. “With maturity, we may also have the opportunity to be more fully ourselves, to drop any pretenses, or stop trying to fit in, which can be liberating and something not easily obtained from our youth.”

3. Gratitude attitude

It’s common human nature to focus more on the negativities surrounding your life. Perhaps you just lost your job, or broke up with your partner, and you may feel that there is nothing worth being thankful for on your birthday. Actively focusing on what brings you joy and reflecting on the positives can help with such feelings.

James highlights how you can incorporate this into your day-to-day life: “Try a daily practice of 15 minutes. Focus on what you are grateful for; reflect on people, places, or objects that bring you joy. If this feels difficult, keep going with it. We have to work the muscle for it to be stronger.”

4. Decide what your version of ‘celebration’ is

During birthdays, it’s acceptable for you to be selfish. By identifying your desires, you can decide whether an extravagant celebration, a small family dinner, a solo day at the beach, or not celebrating at all, is what work

How the picture society paints of a ‘fairytale ending’ could be preventing women from finding their freedom

In 1981, Colette Dowling wrote The Cinderella Complex: Women’s Hidden Fear of Independence, a book which explored the whys and ways a woman might fear going at it alone, and have an innate desire to be ‘rescued’ by a man. In an accompanying article published in The New York Times the same year, she explored how her divorce, and the struggles she had with independence following it, became the inspiration for the book, and wrote: “I came to the conclusion that psychological dependence – the conscious or unconscious wish to escape responsibility – was the unidentified element in the conflict many women are experiencing today. It leads to a condition I call the ‘Cinderella Complex’.”

As Colette Dowling saw it, the consequences of women being raised to be dependent on a man can lead to self-sabotaging behaviours, particularly those linked to success and happiness. You might put off personal goals and targets in order to maintain stability, or you might quickly jump from one relationship to the next to feel safe.

Now, it’s fair to say that attitudes have moved on in the past 40 years, and generations of women have since grown up in a different world. But still, elements of this patriarchal structure do exist, and conversations around dependency and independence in relationships are still of the utmost importance.

When asked where the feelings and behaviours described by Colette Dowling might have come from, counsellor Amy Preston first makes the point that the need to rely on other is a fundamental part of being a human being.

“In the context of the so-called ‘Cinderella Complex’, the expectation of having all our needs met by another person might evolve in a childhood where caregivers were overprotective and met financial needs, while leaving emotional ones unmet,” Amy explains. “If you were wrapped up in cotton wool, yet found it difficult to connect and feel validated by your caregivers, you may not have received the message that you are worthy, capable, and important. As an adult, you may have internalised the message that, not only is an appropriate level of independence unfamiliar and frightening, you are fundamentally incapable of achieving it.”

Amy goes on to explain how we live in a fairytale culture, where it’s very normal to talk about your partner as being your ‘everything’ or the one who ‘completes’ you. “We expect our partner to fill a number of different roles: to make us happy, to complete us, to save us from our past, and to rescue us from uncomfortable emotions. On a subconscious level, this cements the belief that we cannot be happy unless we have a partner to take away all of our pain.”

These beliefs come with baggage. They pile pressure on our relationships, restricting our ability to grow inside and outside of the relationship, and also, as Amy points out, can lead us to overlook potential ‘red flags’ in order to maintain the fairytale.

All that said, in 2022, the concept of a ‘Cinderella Complex’ isn’t totally comfortable. The same systems can cause men to over-rely on partners, yet they escape comparable labels. And while there is certainly space to break down

Set yourself free from unnecessary limitations, with these life-changing tips

It can be easy to think that if we aren’t going to do something perfectly, there is little point in trying. But there’s a fresh perspective on the scene. Anti-perfectionism teaches us that, when tackling any task, we can be happy to learn slowly, through trial and error, and by making mistakes. We can be as pleased with the processes as with the outcomes, and the imperfections in our work become stories, memories, and trophies.

I have recently begun renovating my home, something I never could have done without embracing anti-perfectionism. So, what has it taught me? Sometimes, we put our desires to try something new on hold because we feel inhibited by expectations (both other people’s and our own). Letting go of these expectations can be both challenging and freeing. Anti-perfectionism can help us to get started, here’s how to embrace it.

1. Establish your reason

When taking on any task, it is always helpful to start by considering your end goal. Your reasons for starting a task, new project, or picking up a hobby might be to learn the processes involved, to save money, to enjoy the experience, or you might really want to have a go at making something instead of buying it.

None of these objectives requires you to become an expert, they are all about something other than achieving an immaculate outcome. Anti-perfectionism allows us to create or enjoy without the pressure of expecting perfect results. It’s about doing your best, making improvements, and enjoying yourself.

2. Use what you’ve got, start where you are

Think about your starting point: what do you already know about the task you are taking on? Have you seen other people doing it? Can you use any skills you already have?

These start points are useful in helping us to accept our limitations. Without the pressure of the ‘right’ way of doing something, you can be creative with the ways in which you do things – learning through trial and error.

Stepping back, looking at what you’ve done, and making small improvements as you go, can help you find joy in, and be grateful for, your efforts.

3. Set reasonable goals which acknowledge your own skills

Allowing yourself plenty of time, and giving yourself permission to make mistakes, are wonderfully aligned with anti-perfectionism. If you have never done something before, it’s unreasonable to expect mastery or expert results in record-breaking time.

Anti-perfectionism lets us choose to hire a professional if that’s what suits us, or, if we want to do it ourselves, we can work slowly, celebrating progress along the way. Before you start, think of the things you are good at, or really enjoy. How can you use these in your project?

Break away from unrealistic expectations that our blankets must be matching, hand-crafted, and perfectly square, or that our homes should be immaculate all the time. We can work on organic veg patches and still enjoy fish-finger sandwiches for dinner.

4. Enjoy the process

There are things we can do to make sure processes are as enjoyable as outcomes. Taking ‘before’ photos, or creating mood boards before starting a project, can be super encouraging, as can focusing on emotional outcomes, like joy, Read more

When a pal suddenly leaves your life, it can feel confusing and distressing. Try these next steps...

Ghosting, when someone cuts communication suddenly and without explanation, can be a deeply painful, even heartbreaking, experience. Naturally, an abrupt ending to all communication can be all the more upsetting when it’s done by a friend. Being ghosted can result in unanswered questions, a frustrating lack of closure, or the feeling that something is ‘wrong’ with who we are. It can also create a ‘void’ where the friendship used to be, or even a loss of identity.

As being ghosted by a friend is often distressing, healing can take time. So, let’s take a look at what can be done to support that process.

Use distress tolerance techniques

The hours and days after realising you have been ghosted are likely to be the most difficult. Distress tolerance techniques are healthy ways of coping that help a person get through emotionally painful moments. One example of a distress tolerance technique is self-soothing, using the five senses in a healthy way. Cocoon yourself in a soft blanket while watching a relaxing film, or take a gentle walk in nature. Another example is using ‘safe place imagery’ or ‘guided visualisation’ to temporarily take you into a more comfortable space in your mind.

Use mindfulness to avoid reacting impulsively

Practising a mindful stance towards thoughts and emotions makes it easier to pause, preventing spur-of-the-moment reactions. Notice where emotions are arising in your body. What sensations do they create? Gently pay attention to the depth and speed of your breath. Observe any thoughts that arise and, instead of becoming tangled up in them, imagine them passing through the mind like leaves floating on a stream, or clouds drifting across the sky. Observe all sensations and thoughts without judging or trying to change them.

Validate feelings of loss

Being ghosted by a friend may elicit feelings of immeasurable loss. This may be the loss of an imagined future, no longer being able to talk with them, or having extra time on your hands. Memories may also feel tarnished or even ruined; it may be hard to see or think about anything relating to the friendship. After being ghosted, some people may grieve – know that all emotional responses are valid and deserve to be taken seriously, by yourself and others.

Acknowledge that there are things you can’t control

As relationship counsellor Siobhan Butt explains: “In the absence of any answers, we tell ourselves a negative story, and actually all the answers you need about the relationship are in this person’s behaviour; they have shown you who they are. They are viewing their own comfort as more important than your feelings, otherwise, they would have a difficult conversation with you.”

While some self-reflection is helpful, avoid engaging in self-blame or self-criticism for being ghosted. Siobhan says: “Self-care is really

Looking for a quick motivation boost? We share five quick ways to improve your motivation and start seeing progress fast

Motivation can be a tricky thing. Whether you’re thinking about working towards a healthier lifestyle, want to change your career, or get started with a new creative hobby, once the initial excitement has worn off, the actual work needed to put in before you start seeing significant progress can be daunting.

Procrastination, burnout, low mood overwhelm – there are so many different reasons why our motivation can falter. But low motivation doesn’t mean our progress needs to stop. Here are five quick ways to kickstart your motivation and get back on track.

1. Make a fresh start

You don’t have to wait until the new year to make resolutions. Setting new goals, making commitments, and giving yourself the chance for a fresh start can happen at any time. This can help you to feel energised and reinvigorated, giving you a much-needed boost to get started.

If you’ve been feeling weighed down by big, daunting tasks or unclear pathways towards what you should do next, giving yourself a fresh start creates the opportunity to re-evaluate what you want to achieve, figure out how you want to do that, and let go of any negativity that may have been holding you back.

2. Simplify your goals (and your to-do list)

In order to achieve more, sometimes we need to aim for less. That doesn’t mean we want to achieve less – just that we want to focus on fewer big, complicated goals, allowing for a more simplified to-do list.

The more we try to put onto our to-do list, the more likely we are to feel overwhelmed. Cutting back on activities that don’t motivate or excite you can help you to avoid procrastinating. When our to-do list feels cluttered, it can be confusing. Where do you get started? What’s the real priority? Why are you doing this again?

Keep things simple. You can always expand on your goals later on, once you’ve started seeing progress.

3. Try the five-minute rule

Typically used for procrastinating, the five-minute rule can help you to feel more productive and, in turn, more motivated as you start to see real progress.

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