With all the advances in the world, one thing that remains a constant battle is the fight to live as our authentic selves. Here, columnist Bhavna shares the terrible reality for many members of the LGBTQIA+ community, and implores us to stand with them to fight for everyone’s right to love, with pride

Love is love. Loving and being loved are the most basic of needs in any organism. Poets tell us that to love is the goal of human existence, and to be loved is the greatest treasure of the heart. And yet, for some like me, who are part of the global LGBTQIA+ community, loving whom we choose could be a death sentence.

Despite advances in LGBTQIA+ rights through Stonewall’s first riot to the Pride marches across the globe, loving someone of the same sex can mean death in many parts of the world. Only in June, during our Queen’s Jubilee, the representative of Her Majesty in Indonesia was called to account over why there was a Pride flag flying at the British Embassy. This is timely proof that there are still many countries around the world where there is a price to pay for love.

We hear of young couples being reported to authorities, sometimes by their own families, because they are gay and love each other. Why?

We hear of two young women in India, in their early 20s, hounded by their families because they have chosen to be in a loving relationship, and abducted by their families to force them apart, having to go to court to fight for their right to be together. Why?

We hear of corrective rapes in South Africa, and other parts of the world, to ‘teach’ LGBTQIA+ people a lesson. Why?

We hear of trans siblings of the LGBTQIA+ family being harassed and murdered, transwomen being assaulted and murdered, because they found the courage to be who they are.

We hear of high rates of suicides in the LGBTQIA+ community, because of the stigma of being gay. Why?

We hear of people choosing to enter heterosexual marriage and betray themselves to keep family happy, and take the target off their backs. This raises many other questions. We can’t hide what we feel – I know, I was in the closet for 32 years of my life until it became unbearable to live the lie, and I had to come out before it killed me. I will never get those three decades of my life back.

One of the excuses I read and hear repeatedly about why being LGBTQIA+ could be a death sentence for some is that it is against ‘their’ religion. Yet, despite my study of religious literature over decades, the main lesson I’ve taken from all religions has been love, forbearance, and peace. The final commandment of Jesus was to ‘Love one another as I have loved you.’

The Office for National Statistics found that 1.9 million people in the UK (3.1% of the population) identify as LGB, whereas those identifying as trans number 1%, according to Stonewall.

The National LGBT Survey carried out in 2017 found that LGBT respondents are less satisfied with life compared with the general UK population. Furthermore, more than 66% stated concern about holding hands in public for fear of reprisals. The report stated that at least two in five people had experienced verbal haras

Breakups are rarely easy. But what if moving on after a relationship isn’t as easy for you as it is for others?

Ending a relationship can be… tough. Perhaps you’ve drifted apart and things have ended amicably; maybe communication had broken down, or your emotional connection has faded over time. Infidelity, money troubles, toxic or excessive jealousy, trouble making things work long-distance – there are more reasons than you can count for a relationship to end. Yet, for many of us, that doesn’t make the healing process any easier.

The average American adult will experience three major relationship breakups during their lifetime, taking six months to get over each fully. Yet, according to research, on average we give ourselves just four days to ‘wallow in sadness’ (or rather, grieve for the relationship we have lost) immediately after it has ended. For those ending a more long-term committed relationship like a marriage, studies have estimated it can take up to 18 months to feel ready to move on.

So, why do some of us seem to be more affected than others when it comes to moving on from our relationships? And could taking longer to ‘get over’ your ex be a sign of something more serious?

Relationship breakups: What’s normal?

The end of a relationship can come with huge life changes. If you shared a home, you may find yourself needing to move; if you shared bills, you’ll need to take another look at your finances. If things weren’t amicable, who gets to ‘keep’ your shared friends? And that’s not even touching the emotional turmoil that can leave you feeling anxious, angry, sad, overwhelmed, bitter, confused, hurt, and heartbroken.

While there’s no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to experience a breakup with someone, there are aspects which can make it feel easier for both of you. You may feel more able and ready to move on if:

• Your relationship broke up face-to-face. Ghosting, or being rejected by text, call, or email can stop you from having the chance to express yourself and your feelings, and have a final opportunity to go through things together. This can stop you from feeling able to move on, as you may feel like you have unfinished business, or too much has been left unsaid.
• You both had the chance to be honest. Having a real reason for the ending of a relationship (without things going into too much detail, or feeling too brutal) can help to create a sense of catharsis. You may still be unhappy, or may not even fully agree with that reason, but knowing the why can be a big help in moving on.
• You had a clean break. When one partner tries to hang on, insists on ‘fixing’ or ‘saving’ your relationship, or even tries to argue that your reasons or feelings that have led to this breakup aren’t valid, it can cause more harm than good. Even if you want to remain friends (something 60% of us manage, according to one 2017 study), it can be easier if you don't.
• Read more

According to a 2019 study, spending at least 120 minutes a week in nature is associated with good health and wellbeing. So, we’re rounding up some of the most joyful and unusual ways to pass the time outdoors

“Nature is fuel for the soul,” Richard Ryan, professor of psychology at the University of Rochester, said.

In Professor Ryan’s study, published in the Journal of Environmental Psychology, 537 college students were split into five separate experiments. In one, the students were taken on a 15-minute walk either through indoor hallways or along a tree-lined riverside path. In another, they looked at photos of buildings or landscapes. And in the last, they were asked to imagine themselves in active and sedentary situations, both inside and outside, and with others and without.

When the results of the study were in, the students reported that their energy and vitality levels were lifted by being outside, or even just from imagining that they were, and the researchers came to a conclusion: that being in nature makes people feel more alive.

And to get more specific, a separate study, published in Scientific Reports, revealed that 120 minutes per week is the optimal amount of time to spend in nature if you’re looking to improve your health and wellbeing. So, all there’s left to do now is to decide what to do with the time you’re given – and we have some ideas…

Add a quick two-step into your walk

Walking and dancing: two things that have been shown time and time again to improve our mood and our wellbeing. But add them both together? Now you’re talking. A 2012 study published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology: General found that walkers who moved fluidly, and waved their arms in a sort of improvised dance, generated more ideas than those who walked normally. Breaking out of our usual patterns of behaviour is shown to help us think more creatively, making this a great tool for blowing away brain fog. It doesn’t have to be a full-on moonwalk – a hop, skip, or spin here and there, or even just moving your arms rhythmically could do the trick. Not brave enough to go at it alone? Bring a friend along, or the whole family, and you’ll soon leave any self-conscious feelings behind.

Feel the ground beneath your feet

Here’s a fact you might not have been expecting to read: feet have nearly twice as many nerve endings as penises (more than 7,000 in each foot, compared to 4,000, in case you were wondering). For this reason, feeling the ground beneath your bare feet invites intense and fascinating sensations. Soft soil and dewy grass, warm, cool, tickly, smooth – there is so much to experience. And all these experiences come together to ground us in the moment, forcing us to connect with the environment and the body that we’re in.

Find and create natural aromatherapy spots

Read more

When it comes to climaxing, why are heterosexual women drawing the short straw?

Do you remember the last time you orgasmed during sex? According to research, if you’re a woman in a heterosexual relationship, this question may leave you scratching your head. This is thanks to ‘the orgasm gap’ – a term that has been coined to describe the discrepancies in orgasms during sex.

Now, orgasms alone don’t define satisfying sex, but there’s no denying that orgasm for those with vaginas tends to be less prioritised. One study into the orgasm gap by the International Academy of Sex Research found that 95% of heterosexual men usually orgasm during sex compared to just 65% of heterosexual women. Other studies concur, with the gap widening during one-night stands compared to sex in a long-term relationship.

So, what’s happening here?

“The two main things to look at with the orgasm gap are what’s happening physically, and what’s happening contextually/psychologically,” sex and relationship therapist Tabitha Bast explains. “Sex is often seen just as PIV (penis in vagina) sex in heterosexual encounters, which, for many women who need clitoral stimulation either directly or indirectly, literally doesn’t hit the spot. When we dismiss everything else as foreplay, we end up rushing through a whole smorgasbord of pleasure.”

With so many of us seeing penetration as the ‘main event’, we can easily dismiss other acts with potential for pleasure. This is a cultural issue, and we only have to look at mainstream media to notice it. When did you last see a sex scene where a person with a vagina climaxed outside of penetration? Recognising that sex can encompass a range of activites could be a big step forward.

Noting the numbers regarding orgasms during one-night stands, Tabitha says: “Orgasm is about the brain, not just the body! If you don’t trust the person you’re naked with, that’s a massive barrier to pleasure. Saying that, an end to violence against women and girls would be the most useful move for closing the orgasm gap: there needs to be enough safety for everyone to take fun risks together.”

There are certainly wider societal issues that need to be addressed, but is there anything we can do on an individual level?

“Women knowing about their own bodies is a good start, and men knowing about women’s bodies is a good second start,” says Tabitha.

Educating ourselves about anatomy, and the clitorus in particular, can help us understand what feels good for those who need this type of stimulation to orgasm. Not sure where to start? We love Kama, an app with an inclusive approach to sex education that has pleasure at its heart.

Communication is another tool to utilise, according to Tabitha. Not just about what feels good and what doesn’t, but being honest about how we’re feeling.

“If people are trying to fake being super cool and confident when they’re actually unsure and anxious, that’s not conducive to good sex,” Tabitha says.

“There’s an unhelpful myth that men should automatically know how to please their partners, and actually how one person orgasms is not the same as

Knowing what we’re willing to share, who has access to our inner circle, and when questions are crossing the line is one thing, but expressing it effectively is another. Here, we’re exploring how to set and maintain healthy boundaries

Boundaries are how we teach the world to treat us. They are all about what is and isn’t acceptable, and draw the line between who we are, and who the world wants us to be.

Particularly when interacting with another human who has different priorities, needs, and desires, boundaries are crucial in order to not blend into each other, and to be able to separate what they want from what we need. When we are unable to do that, this is when codependency, enmeshment, and simple confusion can occur. We lose sight of who we are, and our own identity when our daily decisions are formed by what others are asking of us.

When we lack confidence, it is tempting to cave to everyone around us, as we might be insecure that if we don’t, we will lose the people in our lives. This is why the easiest and simplest boundary, the one we first learn, is actually quite a hard word to say: no. When we are able to use our no accurately, our yes becomes more powerful.

Unfortunately, when we say no though, it can be inconvenient to others, and if you don’t stand behind your no, you leave yourself vulnerable to change your mind simply to make things easier for them. It can be really upsetting when people only want you around for what you can do for them, but, over time, you will reap the benefits of boundary setting. You will have more time and energy, you can say goodbye to burnout, and all the anger and resentment you are keeping inside you every time one of your boundaries is crossed can finally be relieved.

Here, we’re sharing some essential tips on how you can implement and maintain healthy boundaries in the three main relationship areas of your life.

Family relationships

One of the biggest complaints I hear about family relationships is that family members feel entitled to their opinions about your life, your job, your romantic relationships, and your body. How you can create a boundary around this is by limiting the information they have access to. This can be by stating: “I’m not ready to share that with you yet, but I’ll let you know when I am ready.” If they don’t know, they can’t have an opinion about it.

But, what if it’s too late and they already know? Then try saying: “I have already made my decision, and your opinions are not needed. I would appreciate it if you could be supportive.”

When it comes to conversations about your body, I encourage you to be firmer. Your body should never be up for discussion at a family event, and we need to stop normalising everyone commenting on changes in our appearance. In those situations, I simply state: “Please stop commenting on my body.” If this persists, I then say: “If you continue talking about my body, I am going to leave this conversation, and you can come find me when you are ready to talk about something else.”

Friendships

In my book, The Joy of Being Selfish, I explain that it is OK to have different